Loving an Addict or Alcoholic: How to Help Them and Yourself

Many of us are hesitant to ask for help, particularly if we have had the role of spouse or partner to an alcoholic or addict. We feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask. We think it makes us look weak or incapable. But, all of this is untrue. For many who have spent years giving to others, especially when taking care of the active alcoholic or addict in your life, asking for help becomes a foreign idea. Part of practicing self-care is learning to ask for help.

If you are struggling, here are some effective strategies and options to consider:

1. Remember the times you’ve helped the addict or alcoholic in your life. Do you think those people had a reason to feel shame because they asked for your help? You were probably happy to help. You even felt good about helping.

• You can make someone else who cares about you feel good just by asking for assistance!

2. Asking for help is an assertive behavior. In relationships with alcoholics or addicts, assertiveness is often discouraged. You can practice being assertive again by asking for help.

3. Getting help saves time. It can be difficult to know where to start, and you may not have put yourself first in a long time. Asking for help is the first step in changing this destructive pattern.

4. You can do a better job with expert help. You’re not only faster with good help; you’re better. Asking for assistance in moving forward in a healthier relationship is critical for those in relationships with addicts.

5. Remember that many people need help. Caring for yourself and your needs has been on the back burner for years, and this needs to change.

6. Swallow your pride. Pride is rarely a good thing. It can lock you into destructive and harmful patterns of behavior. Accepting the partner has a problem and seeking help based on this is one way of acknowledging your needs.

7. Mentally rehearse asking for help as this is a process that is typically unfamiliar. Visualize asking for help and receiving a positive response. Repeat the process until you can imagine asking for help without a negative emotional response.

• This is a great habit to build for a variety of situations. With enough mental practice, you can be comfortable doing just about anything.

8. Ask for help with something small. Asking a friend for help in some small aspect of your care is often a comfortable first step.

9. Pay for help. If you really need help, and you just can’t ask, then pay someone to help you. Complex issues around codependency and relationships are often best suited to help from a therapist or counselor.

Asking for help can be challenging, but it’s a smart move and one that helps you to break free from a dysfunctional relationship with an addict. Most people would love the opportunity to do something kind for someone else, particularly someone they care about and want to support.