The Problem With Faking It

Disconnection from self can feel quiet, heavy, and hard to name.

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Want to know the biggest problem with faking it?

It leads to loneliness.

One of the most consistent patterns I have noticed in my work as a psychologist is that people “perform” as feeling better than they actually feel. While clients come in for a variety of reasons—feeling stuck or overwhelmed, using substances too much, having issues in relationships, feeling like life is not worth living—there is a common thread: pretending things are not as bad as they are.

Some of us consciously try to hide how we are actually feeling. In contrast, others may be so disconnected from what is truly going on that they are genuinely unaware of what is happening internally.

How does pretending lead to loneliness?

When we perform in a way that is inauthentic, we communicate information to others that does not accurately reflect how we actually feel. For example, we may say “work is good” and “I had a wonderful weekend with my family” when we actually mean “work is overwhelming” and “I felt really sad this weekend.”

We sometimes need help looking at what we are actually feeling and thinking. Many of us experience a disconnect between who we are and how we want others to see us.

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The majority of the folks we interact with will perceive what we said as the truth and will respond to us as if "work is good" and "the weekend was wonderful."

This is where the problem begins. There is a disconnect between what the person is saying to us and what we actually need or want to hear because the person is responding to what we said rather than what we actually mean. As a result, when the conversation is over, we likely leave the interaction feeling misunderstood.

Am I faking it? I can't tell.

The wildest part of this process that leads to feeling misunderstood is that it happens outside of our awareness. This is why the problem with faking it is a tricky one to solve.

I think it is important to note that all of us “perform” in some way or another, and this behavior can be adaptive. For example, there can be some benefits to “faking it till ya make it.”

The pattern that I’m seeing with my clients, however, is that the performance is subtle and perpetual. There is a chronic pattern of unconscious pretending. The performance of being OK is so ingrained that we may not even be aware of the difference between what we are saying and how we are feeling. It has become a habit to “be OK.”

How do core beliefs relate to the problem of faking it?

Many of us (especially highly sensitive people) hide how we are actually doing because we unconsciously fear that we are not worthy and lovable as our authentic selves.

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We might think: “I’m not allowed to show my feelings,” “I have to keep it together,” or “I can’t show the real me.” These thought processes lead us to perform in ways that we believe a worthy, lovable human performs. We fall into this cycle:

1. We perform as competent, secure, and satisfied.
2. People treat us like we are competent, secure, and satisfied.
3. We feel misunderstood.
4. We fear how people would react if they understood our “true” self.
5. We take the safest route: perform as competent, secure, and satisfied.

When this cycle plays out over and over again, we tend to feel disconnected not only from ourselves but also from others. The “real me” feels increasingly distant, and the fear of that "authentic self" getting rejected becomes stronger. As many of you know, this is a lonely place to be.

The pressure to please others often hides the need for real connection.

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How can I solve the problem of faking it?

1. Bring awareness to your experience. Notice the next time you say something that does not actually sit well with you. Did you mean what you said? Check in with yourself. How are you actually feeling? Take a moment to reflect on it.
2. Find moments when you can be authentic. I am not suggesting you tell everyone at work that you hate your job—that would likely be ineffective. Instead, take a small step with a trusted person. Maybe you say to a friend that you read the news, and it led you to shut down completely. Or you let your partner know that you are interested in pursuing therapy. Or you tell a parent that the nickname they keep using makes you uncomfortable. See how this goes. Then, draw attention to your awareness. What emotions and thoughts came up? Was the experience as bad as you thought it would be?
3. Be willing to sit with the discomfort that comes up when you choose to be authentic and vulnerable. It can be overwhelming to turn inward, listen, and be honest with ourselves. It requires courage to take the risk of being rejected in the service of communicating with someone from a place of vulnerability. Oh, and the longer we have been performing, the harder it is to take these steps. For many, the decision to drop the facade brings up a mountain of shame. So, if you are cringing at the idea of taking these steps, you are in good company.

This is not an easy problem to solve. It is stressful and challenging to take these steps.

But you know what else is hard, stressful, and challenging? Feeling disconnected, misunderstood, and lonely.

If you are at a crossroads, remember this: If you are willing to tolerate the initial discomfort that comes with making a brave change, you will likely land in a place where you feel a lot more connected, joyful, and alive.