How Highly Sensitive People Can Set Better Boundaries

If you're a highly sensitive person, you experience life in high definition thanks to your heightened sensory processing (Aron, 1996). While many wonderful qualities are associated with high sensitivity (e.g., empathy, emotional intelligence, creativity, and deep thinking), living with heightened experiences can lead to difficulties. For example, many HSPs experience anxiety, disappointment, or frustration in their relationships because they process emotions deeply, are highly attuned to social cues, and feel empathy intensely.

If you are an HSP who wants to improve your relationships, this article is for you.

Highly Sensitive People and Emotional Sensitivity

Based on my clinical and personal experience, many HSPs possess the trait of emotional sensitivity, which is the tendency to feel more frequently, intensely, and for longer durations. Dr. Marsha Linehan (1993) coined the concept of emotional sensitivity in the context of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a form of treatment that helps clients regulate their emotions and improve their relationships.

Based on my experience as an HSP therapist, many HSPs seek therapy due to low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, challenges with emotional regulation, a tendency to absorb others' emotions, and feelings of being overwhelmed. DBT was designed to address these challenges and can help HSPs develop the tools to regulate emotions, build resilience, and create healthier relationships.

Let’s Apply DBT to Your Life: DEAR MAN

Imagine this scenario: You find yourself particularly drained by your friend. Every time you leave an interaction, you feel exhausted because they dump so much emotional baggage on you. Your friend’s energy is intense and you want them to stop putting so much on you, but you don't want to hurt their feelings. You love them deep down and want to stay friends with them, but they have had a lot going on lately and have not created space for you to talk about your own stuff. You are afraid that if you tell them how you feel, you will hurt their feelings or, even worse, they will get mad at you.

DBT offers skills and solutions for individuals who find themselves in this situation. For example, DBT clients rely on an interpersonal effectiveness skill called DEAR MAN when navigating a relationship challenge.

The DEAR MAN interpersonal skill helps you identify your needs and improves the likelihood of getting those needs met by enabling you to communicate effectively. When you use the DEAR MAN skill, you develop a script of what to say to address the relationship difficulty. The DEAR tells you “what” to include in your request, and The MAN tells you “how” to ask for it.

A DEAR MAN Script for Setting Boundaries

An HSP sets boundaries by using DEAR MAN

Source: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash

When using the DEAR MAN skill with clients, I typically encourage them to write their script out before having a direct conversation.

• Describe: Start by describing the situation objectively, without criticism or judgment.

"We see each other every week, and I've noticed that many of our chats tend to focus on the issues and challenges you're experiencing."

• Express: Express your feelings and emotions regarding the situation. Make sure to use "I" statements.

"I know you’re going through a hard time, and I want to be here for you. At the same time, I feel emotionally drained after these interactions. I feel like I haven’t been able to tell you what’s going on in my life for quite a while now.”

• Assert: State your needs or wants. Make sure to be clear, direct, and respectful.

"I want to find a way to make our conversations more balanced. I want to be supportive, and I also need space to discuss other aspects of life, or sometimes just talk about silly stuff."

• Reinforce: Explain why it will be helpful for the relationship if the person decides to meet your request.

"I believe the balance would help both of us. We can have more fun and goofy time during our hangouts, and I can be a better friend to you because I won't be feeling as overwhelmed. I love you a lot and I want to be able to stay close to you"

Once you are clear on what you are going to say, you want to be mindful about how you communicate your needs. Here is where the “MAN” component of the skill comes in.

Boundaries Essential Reads

Have We Gone Too Far With Boundaries?

Why People With Visible Disability Still Have to “Come Out”

• Stay Mindful: If the person reacts defensively or tries to change the subject, gently and firmly steer the conversation back to your point. Avoid becoming defensive or overly apologetic. For example, if the conversation gets detailed, you may say something like “I understand that you’re taken aback. I’m not trying to critique you. I love our friendship and love you. I’m just hoping to improve it.”
• Appear confident: Even if you are feeling anxious, try to appear confident. Use a steady voice, make eye contact, and avoid minimizing language.
• Negotiate: Work together to find a solution that meets both of your needs. Be willing to listen to their feelings and concerns as well.

This is an example of one DBT skill (DEAR MAN); however, DBT offers almost 60 skills that not only help improve relationships but also support clients in self-soothing, regulating emotions, and increasing self-compassion.

Conclusion

DBT was designed to help folks navigate emotions, set boundaries, and improve communication. This modality very closely aligns with the needs of many HSPs, who often experience relationships as overwhelming. Skills like DEAR MAN can help you advocate for yourself, ultimately allowing you to build relationships that feel supportive, rather than draining.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.