Why Change Can Trigger Feelings of Grief

Most of us will experience both change and loss in our lives, and in certain circumstances, we can feel paralyzed by the feelings that accompany these situations. As a grief/loss author, it isn't unusual for the bereaved to share stories with me of how their feelings of grief are "triggered" when a change happens.

Change can be confusing, as can grief. When we feel uncertain about our next steps, we may feel insecure. Loss can also make us feel the same way. After losing our loved one, our identity and sense of safety are gone. After my husband died, I recall feeling insecure about multiple situations and relationships. I wasn’t sure how to navigate things, both personally and professionally, which led to sleepless nights and intense anxiety. What I didn't know then was that I needed a plan for each area of my life.

Becoming clear about why we feel confused can help our mind and body process the change, and this can also lead us to develop a plan. While we may not like the “plan,” it can help us feel in control because we know what necessary steps need to be completed. Without a plan, we can feel like we’re in an emotional free-fall — and that’s both confusing and scary.

Feeling fear is common for both grief and change. After losing a spouse, acclaimed writer C.S. Lewis wrote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” And this fear can be present in both grief and change. Managing fear-related emotions isn't for the faint of heart.

In addition, the coping mechanisms for processing change may be the same as those we use to process grief. For example, when our bodies feel overwhelmed, the ways we manage it may be the same regardless of the source. This is why, unfortunately, people who struggle with addiction may relapse. They may use alcohol to soothe their mind and body.

A widow I know shared she relapsed after losing her job. The job loss triggered in her a deep fear that she wouldn’t be able to provide for her family. The problem was different, but the coping mechanism was the same.

Our bodies can fear, but our bodies may not be able to recognize that the source of fear is different. When we’re in a flight or fight mode our bodies don’t say “Don’t worry this time the source isn’t the same.” Instead, our bodies tell us there’s a threat to our safety and our fear is real. The same can be said for a change, especially if it is traumatic.

However, even when a change is positive, like a new relationship, there may also be an element of fear. For example, if one doesn't feel worthy of it, instead of creating a successful environment, the person might self-sabotage. Fear, in this case, is the underlying reason the relationship falls apart.

We may be dishonest with our true feelings. By telling ourselves that we should feel happy because we’re moving to a new place (while going through a change) or relieved that our loved one is no longer suffering (as we grapple with our grief), we’re trying to override our true feelings. In essence, we're not being honest with ourselves. By minimizing or rationalizing our pain, we keep ourselves from experiencing deep pain or sorrow, and avoidance can fester into long-term stress.

Practicing dishonesty with ourselves can be just as destructive as lying to someone else. Certainly, it isn't appropriate to share every emotion with others; however, when we’re lying to ourselves, it can cause internal chaos.

The most important meeting you’ll ever have is with yourself. Becoming transparent with yourself about why you’re feeling a certain way is the first step in starting to feel better. When you're honest, you’re getting to the root of the problem. Perhaps, you entered into an agreement because you were desperate or you didn’t reach out for grief-related therapy due to shame. While you can't change the past, it's important to become clear about your feelings.

As I wrote in my book, there is no finish line for grief. Getting support from a therapist and/or friends is often essential for managing difficult emotions.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.