Exploring Love Through Poetry

“It is difficult

to get the news from poems

Yet men die miserably every day

for lack of what is found there”

William Carlos Williams

The quote "Love is recognizing a connection, wisdom is understanding the connection" is attributed to John Welwood. It has been quoted numerous times in various publications searching for the meaning of "love." Like the weather, everyone talks about love, but seldom is there a one-size-fits-all definition.

Interestingly, "falling out of love" has become a popular Google search. This is a back door to finding out what love is not. It concludes that it is "a significant factor in divorce or breakup." As an afterthought, it does mention that there may be other factors such as a lack of commitment, communication problems, and changing circumstances. Yet this offers little wisdom about understanding the unique patterns of love.

"Heart to Heart"

Source: (c) Natasha Rabin with permission

According to the Pew Research Center, in 2021, just 13% of married adults mentioned their spouse as a profound source of meaning in their lives, down from nearly a third (31%) in 2017.

Alfred Korzybski coined the now-famous quote "The map is not the territory" and the related "the word is not the thing," which explains why love is difficult and has no universal definition. It could very well be the basis for why Wellwood’s quote doesn't reflect a general agreement on the meaning of love.

The map analogy points out that our representations of reality are not identical to reality. A map is a simplified representation of a place, not the place itself. In this circumstance, the word "love" becomes oversimplified without context or perspective. This is further exemplified by 80% of Americans who feel that the popular saying “Never go to bed angry" alone will sustain love.

The YouGov website also includes what drives successful romantic relationships according to recent surveys: trust (94%), honesty (92%), respect (91%), open communication (87%), and friendship (83%). Other highly-ranked words are appreciation, emotional connection, quality time, and conflict resolution. Interestingly, or sadly, the factors least likely to be considered essential for sustaining a good relationship are mystery (8%), living rich separate lives (16%), having mutual friends (17%), and going to couples therapy (17%). The survey did not ask specifically about love.

The above suggests how elusive nouns like love, trust, honesty, etc., are without context and offer little wisdom about the complexities of love. Korzybski's adage, "The map is not the territory," and "the word is not the thing," becomes more obvious.
Given the above, I propose using the verb "loving" in our quest to understand this human emotion. It actively allows the terrain of a map to become interactive and becomes a word that invites context. "I am loving my new dog while walking in the forest" is more picturesque than "I love my dog." Taking this one step further, using verbs such as "wishing" rather than " I wish you love" gives us much more wiggle room to imagine.

With all due respect to Dr. Welwood, this offers a less static opportunity to experience the map, in this case, with a more romantic intent. What emerges from the thing called loving? "Tina Turner, in sharing that passion, sang out:

It may seem to you that I′m acting confused when you′re close to me,

If I tend to look dazed, I read it in some place; There's a name for it,

There′s a phrase that fits,

But whatever the reason, you do it for me... Oh-oh, what's love got to do, got to do with it?

Knowing that you have options other than following a one-dimensional map is soothing. Ram Dass advises, "If you don’t use the part of the mind that is the intuitive heart-mind, if you don’t cultivate it and use it, you’re just left in a reactive kind of puppetry." Verbs challenge the idea of a single, definitive definition of reality. They can remind us that we are constantly evolving and learning. Poetry, for instance, actively speaks from the heart and goes beyond acceptable grammar. It gives credence to being open to new possibilities. James Baldwin’s timeless reminder is that “the poets… are finally the only people who know the truth about us.” Yes, the world says no, yet it is messy and beautiful.

Chris Markham, Copy Editor of the Observer, wrote, "Writing a love poem is an attempt at figuring out what humans have been struggling to figure out for thousands of years. It is trying to find the right words to describe an indescribable feeling, to reconcile the words in your head with the emotions in your heart." In other words, give your intent some context and make it accurate to your senses. The territory becomes the map, and the thing is now the word.