Navigating Emotional Triggers at Work

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In the high-stakes environment of leadership, managing emotions isn’t just helpful—it’s essential. But what does emotional regulation really mean? It’s more than simply “keeping your cool.” It’s about understanding your triggers, recognizing stress, and finding ways to respond rather than react.

Take Sandra, a client who described herself as being “cool and calm 99% of the time, even in intense emergencies,” but felt that her usual calm demeanor unraveled during a recent meeting, which felt unexpected and disappointing to her.

Here’s what happened.

Sandra entered the meeting prepared, data in hand and fully ready for a productive discussion. However, things didn’t go as planned. The person she was speaking with, let’s call him Tim, was technically a superior but not directly her boss. He questioned her ideas in a way that felt dismissive. Sandra’s frustration grew, and despite her expertise, she found herself raising her voice. “Tim, I’ve got a Ph.D. in this. I’m the expert, and you’re not listening,” she said. Tim responded with a shocked expression and ended the meeting abruptly, saying, “I’m going to elevate this to higher leadership.”

The outcome left Sandra feeling frustrated, embarrassed, and ultimately disappointed in herself. The reality is that Sandra is a highly capable, competent, respected, and self-confident leader. So, the reaction she received from Tim felt dismissive, invalidating, and condescending.

Many of us encounter these experiences, even if rare, like for Sandra. For women in higher leadership roles, especially those with additional marginalized identities, routine, ongoing gender bias and discrimination are an unfortunate part of the experience of the leadership journey. Women who have reached the level of leadership that Sandra attained have already developed many effective methods to navigate those experiences. But it can still wear away their coping resources: over time, frequent questioning of their expertise makes women more sensitive and reactive to it; when they express frustration about being questioned, they are judged harshly, even though their response is understandable given a lifetime of similar experiences.

Sandra thought her issue was an inability to regulate her emotions. But the reality was more nuanced.

Let’s talk about three responses to be aware of when considering how to regulate emotions:

1. Threat Response
2. Work or Leadership Style Response
3. Stress Response

Fight, Flee, Freeze, or Fawn: The Threat Responses

When someone pushes our “trigger points,” it’s natural to feel upset. We all have different triggers and we also have different threat responses to those triggers.

Take Sandra’s colleague, Bill, for example. She admired how he responded to tense situations with a stoic “do what you want” attitude. But Bill might feel just as irritated inside—he just expresses it differently.

When under threat, people often default to one of these responses:

1. Fight – You might debate, push your perspective, or assert dominance, which can sometimes come across as aggressive.
2. Flee – You might avoid or walk out of the conversation, hold grudges so you never have to interact with that person again, or even work around people to get your needs met.
3. Freeze/Numb – You might shut down emotionally, disconnect, stay in the meeting but no longer feel you can respond, or become cold to protect yourself from the emotional impact.
4. Fawn – You might try to appease others or ingratiate yourself, even if it means abandoning your own stance, to avoid conflict.

In Sandra’s case, both she and Tim defaulted to “fight.” When she felt dismissed, she responded by dominating with her expertise, and Tim retaliated by escalating the issue. This clash of threat responses led to an unproductive standoff.

Navigating Different Work and Leadership Styles

Another layer to this scenario was the difference in Sandra and Tim’s work styles. Sandra leads by persuading others with data, expertise, and experience. She’s passionate about her ideas and expects others to respect her expertise. Tim, however, is results-oriented and prefers to stick to his established methods. This clash of styles intensified their disagreement.

In leadership, understanding and appreciating your colleagues’ styles is crucial. Recognizing what others value, fear, and prioritize allows you to tailor your approach. If Sandra had approached the meeting aware of Tim’s preference for tried-and-true methods, she might have chosen to adjust her strategy.

Stress and Its Impact on Emotional Regulation

When I asked Sandra to describe what happened that day in advance of the meeting, it became clear that multiple back-to-back stressors had worn down her usual coping mechanisms. A family emergency had disrupted her sleep, and her morning was filled with urgent issues. By the time of the meeting, her emotional resources were depleted.

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Under stress, we’re not our best selves. Our strengths can become liabilities, and our responses may become more reactive. Sandra’s stress triggered a stronger-than-usual reaction, intensifying her need for control. Instead of channeling her expertise calmly, she overemphasized it, which had the opposite effect she desired.

5 Practical Steps for Better Emotional Regulation

The key to emotional regulation is being able to identify and label your emotions in the moment.

If you can recognize your feelings, especially when stressed or triggered, you can create more options for how you might want to respond.

(Note that for those who have learned to suppress emotions due to past invalidation or trauma, this process can be challenging, but still essential. Working with a therapist can help improve this skill and provide you with more options for handling emotions.)

With that in mind, here are five actionable steps to create more response options at work:

1. Know Your Triggers and Others’ Styles. Recognize the work and leadership styles around you. Understanding what motivates, fears, and priorities drive your colleagues allows you to anticipate potential clashes and adjust accordingly. Sandra is now actively learning about different styles and considering how to best interact with each one.
2. Set Emotional Intentions. Before a challenging conversation, consider how you want to feel and the environment you want to create. Write those words down in advance of a high-stakes conversation and reference them during the meeting to set your intentions for how you want to show up and what environment you want to create in that meeting. Sandra has started writing down words like “calm, powerful, clear” before meetings. This simple reminder helps her stay grounded, even when the conversation gets tough.
3. Manage Timing for High-Stakes Conversations. When possible, schedule challenging conversations for times when you’re at your best. If you’re running on little sleep and heightened stress, consider rescheduling if it’s practical. Knowing your energy and emotional limits can prevent unnecessary confrontations.
4. Use Open-Ended Questions to Buy Time. If you feel your frustration rising, ask open-ended questions, such as “What other options have we considered?” instead of making direct statements, such as “I don’t think that will work.” This approach buys you a few moments to collect your thoughts, diffuses tension, and encourages collaboration.
5. Consider Where You Put Your Energy. If you don’t need to fully attend to the person or situation that is constantly putting you on edge, and if there are other work needs that require your attend for which you are well-suited to address, consider re-balancing your attention. Do not let your valuable time and energy be sucked up by energy drainers if you can avoid it.

Sandra’s experience teaches us that emotional regulation isn’t about eliminating emotions. By understanding our own triggers, learning about different work and leadership styles, and being mindful of our stress levels, we can create a healthier, more balanced approach to leadership and bring our best self to work.

A version of this also appears on The Hard Skills show and podcast.