Conflict Avoidance: Temporary Peacemaker or Festering Wound?

I confess, in those critical moments when conversations with my wife tilt unsteadily between building tension or avoiding it, often my first reflex is to quickly pivot away, to scramble out of the potential minefield to "safety," evading any disagreement. My apparent motive: Avoid conflict--keep the peace-- regardless of the cost or consequence.

On deeper reflection, however, is conflict-dodging or the willful suppression of what I have to say or do always the wisest course of action—or more accurately, inaction—especially for the longer-term quality of my relationship? Probably not. Yet why is it so often my first reaction?

Conflict Avoidance's Romantic Taproot

Somewhere in the distant recesses of my past romanticized, seemingly conflict-free, early dating experiences resides the blissed-filled hope for the smooth, uninterrupted sailing of never-ending partner harmony. To this day, a stubborn, pie-in-the-sky part of me still wants to achieve and "eternalize" this tall, idyllic desire. Understandably, I want a firm grasp on the "brass ring," the unbending contentment of living in a perpetually conflict-free zone of unhampered, close relating, the "Promised Land," as it were. It wouldn't be surprising if you too have similar hopes.

But alas, we all know romance cries out for togetherness, but continued togetherness delivers what's likely inevitable: the friction of close interpersonal encounters, many of which usher an uneasy, destabilizing mix of individual differences. These differences breed conflicts that can snuff out the passions of romance. Hence, romance is its own worst enemy.

Nevertheless, isn't it a universal wish to bask lovingly and securely in a couple comfort zone forever ripe with mutual affection and devoid of conflict, especially intense conflict? Probably.

Conflict in Hibernation

But does turning our back on conflict cause it to resolve on its own? Or does this tactic merely cause it to hibernate like a dormant virus, only to awake fortuitously on a future occasion or when new circumstances conspire to reactivate it?

By retreating from actual or potential conflict, we may simply "kick the can down the road." Or worse, downplaying or ducking it may exacerbate the conflict, making its reappearance more inevitable, pernicious, and harder to solve.

Legitimizing Our Differences in Safety

Conversely, despite the possibility for conflict, when partners wisely plan for and create conversations within a pre-agreed-upon atmosphere of non-judgementalism and emotional safety—like an international meeting held on neutral Swiss soil, or simply, couple's therapy—partners can learn to welcome and accept the personal vulnerabilities associated with the exploration of their legitimate differences; differences that have been or are bound to be revealed regardless.

Tension Exploration: Bring on the Vulnerability

Ironically, verbalizing our vulnerabilities is usually hardest when we feel most vulnerable, and yet these are the very occasions when the expression of our deepest feelings may be most necessary and valuable. Conversely, however, deliberately ferreting out our deepest, fragile emotions when we are feeling the least vulnerable, more emotionally secure, and accepted, means we may more confidently access the courage and the words to capture our emotions. When done effectively, this can create an openness and partner empathy that ties us tightly together.

When such strategically arranged conversations are accomplished with purpose and mutual respect, partners can cleanse, deepen, and invigorate their relationships, Individual differences that might otherwise trigger conflict are now neutralized and potentially enrich the relationship. These deep-reaching self-disclosures of transparency and vulnerability can also reduce the severity of future couple conflicts, or even preempt them.

Moreover, can we fully commit to and love a partner we don't completely know, someone who protectively, or for other reasons, keeps themself under seal and unexpressed?

The Gift of Individuality

It can be argued that the measure of a high-quality relationship can be found in the caliber of the individuals who comprise it. Extending this thinking, emotionally mature partners bring a well-regulated but bold completeness of themselves to their relationships that can thoroughly better their relationship. This knowledge spawns the courage required to risk "excavating" and expressing our deepest, most vulnerable selves, which can then lay a persuasive and even compelling pathway toward intimate partner relating.

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An Old Cliche Revisited

Rather than leaving worn-out, cliched expressions like "relationships are hard work," undefined, pre-arranged tension-explorative discussions specifically describe what a couple can do in "tangible," operational terms to forestall conflict, nurture their relationships, and thus boost the quality of their intimate connection.

Conflict as Unifier: A Personal Illustration

Speaking generally, conflict divides, separates, and otherwise puts us at odds with each other. But this may not always have to be the case, as I will try to illustrate with a personal example.

My wife and I, as practicing psychotherapists, have enjoyed a comfortable living, one that will provide for us into our later years and allow us to bequeath generously to our adult children and grandchildren. Even so, over the years, my wife and I have had prolonged debates on how much and when to give to our children.

Typically, in the past, I have defended and tried to strengthen the argument that sharing our monetary comforts while we are living affords us the chance to enjoy giving and watching our children enjoy receiving our gifts. My wife, on the other hand, has cogently argued that unearned money doesn't have the same personal meaning or value as money earned and may, in some instances, be detrimental.

Eventually, after lengthy discussions on this topic, our respective feelings have softened, and we've become more flexible and pliable. Now, neither of us approaches this issue in the same rigid, absolutely right-or-wrong terms. Instead, our efforts—albeit still sometimes strained—to provide each other with respectful, sensitive understanding of the validity of our individual views has left neither of us a strong advocate of either position--we agree too much with each other.

We've taken a new and productive stance on neutral emotional ground, "uncaged" from the partner-blinding strength of our prior motives. So, from this same "high ground" have sprung compromises and negotiations that now enable us to take concrete actions that reflect the relative weight of the benefits and disadvantages of each position.

Tensions explored are tensions relieved. Intimacy takes a step forward.