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Sensation-Seeking
I Risk Therefore I Am Intimate
Overcoming the fear of being vulnerable with one's partner.
Posted February 17, 2022 Reviewed by Kaja Perina
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go," quipped T.S. Elliot. Surely, most of us agree that calculated risk-taking is an essential ingredient of accomplishing anything of real personal value. From academic and career accomplishments, to creating and maintaining meaningful personal relationships, risk is clearly essential, but to achieve a genuinely intimate relationship, it is indispensable.
Questions to Ask
Ask yourself these self-reflective, provocative but key questions: How willing and able am I to walk into the proverbial lion's den of my most profound and vulnerable emotions, and then risk sharing them with my partner?" And then, "Will I be any closer to my partner than I am first 'close' to myself?"
To clarify, for my partner to feel their closest to me, to know me most thoroughly, I must possess a deep awareness of myself, and take the necessary risks to openly and courageously express what I feel—both good and bad. Without this type of open risk-taking, can I achieve a truly intimate connection with my partner? And so, isn't this deep self-connection, this "intimacy with myself," a necessary precondition for making a proportionately deep connection with my partner? Moreover, wouldn't my partner's affections for me take on even greater personal meaning knowing they have a more comprehensive understanding of who I am?
Self-Disclosure Begets Self-Disclosure
This simple but compelling insight comes from Yale psychologist Sidney Jourard, whose clever maxim is well-worth embellishing. So, consider this: My emotional transparency sets a momentary, if not a longer-term, "norm" for relating intimately with my partner. That is, by expressing my deepest feelings, I'm imposing a benevolently subtle but still potent pressure upon my partner that gently nudges them to do the same thing—to open themselves as well. When this "baiting" is accepted, as it often is, a deeper connection is made and intimacy flourishes.
Easy pitfalls, easy outs
By taking the deliberate, premeditated risk of revealing my deepest feelings, I can evade the easy pitfalls and the tempting "rewards" of momentary tension reduction. These are the safe, recognizable, passive maneuverings whose myopic goal is the immediate and uncourageous avoidance of risk-taking: the easy out.
For example, when my feelings are at odds with my partner's, rather than risk momentarily rocking the interpersonal boat, I suppress my feelings and bend to the will of my partner, thus avoiding immediate conflict. However, this temporary, harmony-preserving tactic can come with a hefty long-term, tension-inducing cost that degrades the quality of my intimate connection.
The greater risk
Paradoxically, the greatest risk is not risking. By shying away from the risk-taking that's an integral part of a bona fide intimate connection, partners suffer a potentially far greater risk of the loss of personal growth, deeper intimacy, and relationship health: Opportunities lost.
Hurdling our fears
But by looking beyond the nearer, forbidding horizon of fear that envelops risk-taking, to the more distant but fulfilling prospects of self-growth and maturation, there is obviously much more to gain by confronting our fears. And by repeatedly reinforcing this same line of reasoning, we can accumulate the strength to surmount the often-unnerving hurdles that prevent us from taking risks, and instead, learn to make "friends" with our fears.
More self-vetting
How do you and your partner achieve your most intimate moments, and would they be possible without some degree of risk-taking? Which intimate situations pose the greatest risks for you, and why? Would you agree that the depth and quality of your connection with each other is the desirable end-product of your courage to openly self-disclose?
In fact, could risk-taking be the vital lifeblood of your intimate relationship?
References
Pennebaker, J. W. (2002). Emotion, disclosure, and health. Washington, D.C. American Psychological Association.
Sprecher, S. Hendrick, S., (2004). Self-disclosure in Intimate Relationships: Associations with Individual and Relationship Characteristics Over Time. Journal Social and Clinical Psychology. 6(23): 857-877.
