3 Ways Binge Eating Hurts Love

This is the first in a series about Ana and Jacob.

Her phone vibrated. It was her husband. “Oh, no.” She grabbed it and quickly switched off the “share location” option. Had he already seen that she was at McDonald’s? The phone vibrated again. She ignored it as she grabbed the bag of food from the person at the window, exchanging meaningless pleasantries as though everything in her life was good, and then mumbling something about getting some snacks for the kids. She grabbed some fries and ate them quickly, one after the other, barely tasting them as she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to Dairy Queen to get a Blizzard.

The phone rang again. Jacob was persistent. He would not stop calling. Then the text, “Where are you?” Angry face emoji. The drive-through was closed. “How can that be?” It was late. Ana ran inside and ordered a Blizzard and an ice cream cone. Her stomach hurt, but she did it anyway. She texted back. “I am getting gas. The tank was empty.” She had gotten gas, so it wasn’t a total lie.

1. Lying about binge eating hurts love.

They had fought, and she had left, driving off crying and hurt. The food calmed her and took away some of the pain. Feeling full distracted her. She felt numb.

2. Turning toward food rather than attempting to repair with your partner hurts love.

He texted back. “I am going to bed. I was waiting for you, but it is too late now.” Sad face emoji. She was relieved. She did not want him to see how distended her stomach was or to guess that she had been bingeing. But she knew that he knew. He always did.

“I had been doing so well today,” she thought. “I ate healthy and worked out, and now I feel awful.” She could feel the dark cloud of self-hatred surrounding her. She didn’t want to go home; she didn’t want to face another day. But she would have to—her kids needed her. She drove home, finishing the Blizzard as she drove into the garage, saving the rest of the food from McDonald’s to eat while watching TV. Opening the door, bag of food in hand, she was startled to see Jacob standing there, waiting for her.

“I thought you went to bed!” Ana said, her eyes wide, looking at him as if she had seen a ghost.

“I couldn’t sleep. I heard you come in,” he replied, looking at the bag in her hand.

“Where did you go? Are they selling McDonald’s food at the gas station now?” his tone more sad than angry.

She said nothing. She would rather he yelled at her. He said nothing.

Ana broke the silence. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jacob. I just want to go to bed.”

“With or without the food?” There was an edge to his voice. “You never want to talk about it. That is the problem.”

3. Assuming binge eating is a lack of self-control hurts love.

“That’s because you don’t understand and just tell me to have some self-control, or like you did the other day, say I should get some of those weight-loss drugs. Or better yet, tell me to go see my therapist. Do you think that helps, Jacob?” Ana was revving up. “Do you want to get into another fight?”

“You know, I was going to tell you that I was sorry about what happened earlier. That was a stupid idea,” he retorted. “I’m going to bed.”

Ana hated it when he did that. She watched him go upstairs, part of her desperately wishing he would turn around and come back and hug her, the other part of her relieved that he was gone. After grabbing a handful of candies from the candy jar, she walked into the family room, turned on the TV, and opened the McDonald’s bag.

Ana and Jacob are about to begin couples therapy. They have been married for 10 years, have two children, and both work. Ana has binge eating disorder with binge eating behavior that comes and goes. Her weight has fluctuated over the years. When her weight is lower, she feels more self-confident and wants to be closer to Jacob; when it is higher, she withdraws and distances. Right now, it is high. She is unhappy with her body and feels shame and self-loathing, avoiding sexual intimacy and emotional connection. Jacob, feeling increasingly powerless and unhappy in the relationship, scheduled an appointment with a Gottman-RED (relationships with eating disorders) couples therapist.

Is there hope for Ana and Jacob? Yes. However, they need to learn constructive ways to talk about issues in their relationship related to food, exercise, weight, and body image.

No one knows how many people struggle with binge eating because most people who binge do so in secret and never tell anyone. What we do know is that both men and women are affected and that binge eating typically causes weight gain, so most who chronically binge eat are overweight or obese. In the United States, 2 out of 5 adults are obese, so there is a strong possibility that about the same number struggle with binge eating.

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Binge eating disorder affects people of all ages, ethnicities, and genders, although most who seek help are middle-aged. Most people binge eat in secret, with periods of partial remission. Men are more likely to binge eat when feeling positive emotions such as happiness or joy and when socializing or having fun, while women are more likely to binge eat when feeling negative emotions such as sadness, loneliness, powerlessness, or exhaustion. Of interest is the fact that 30 to 50 percent of people seeking help with weight loss are affected by binge eating.

Also of interest is the fact that binge eating disorder was not recognized as a mental disorder until 2013 when it was first included in the DSM. This is not to say that all who binge eat will meet the diagnostic criteria, but what it does say is that it has taken a long time for people to take binge eating seriously and to acknowledge its psychological roots.

I suspect that most people with binge eating disorder are in a committed relationship, and I venture to say that most people who binge eat are as well. As we follow Ana and Jacob’s story, you will learn more about how this behavior can impact a relationship and how couples can work on issues together.

After the initial assessment sessions, Ana and Jacob began their work. The therapist looked at Ana and suggested that Ana ask Jacob, “How does binge eating affect you?” Ana hesitated, then said, “I can’t do it,” burst into tears, and left the session. The therapist sighed and thought, “That didn’t go well.”