6 Ways to Hold Things Together When Your Spouse Is Depressed

By Eric Levine, Ed.D. with Becky Shipkosky

Your sweetheart is depressed, and you’re picking up a lot of the slack. While it's important to help your spouse or partner stay physically nourished and minimize emotional isolation or overwhelm, you will also need more pragmatic ways to get through.

There just is no way to make this easy, but the following are a few big levers. From a list of 88 evidence-based tactics, we are focusing on six items that both you and your spouse can do with varying degrees of effort, because their capacity will change day to day, and so will yours.

1. Help break things down.

Executive function goes on staycation during active depression, which means tasks and problems may look like tangled, overwhelming messes to your spouse. Sometimes we can loan our cognitive capacity. This might look like:

• “Oh, you know what? I think that problem feels so big because it’s actually several smaller problems. I wonder if we could identify them so we can consider them one at a time. Are you up for that?”
• “You’re having a hard time getting started today, aren’t you? What feels like the biggest hurdle? Putting on pants? I hear that! Let me get them for you. Do you want bacon or a protein bar for breakfast?”
• “Gosh, the the kitchen is overwhelming, isn’t it? Let’s start with emptying the dishwasher together. Then I’ll handle the dirties in the sink while you wipe down the counters.”

2. Selectively lighten the load.

What we don’t want to do while we’re being a superhero and picking up slack all over Gotham is take on more than we need to. But, selectively carrying some things temporarily (if you’re able!) can create space for healing. Here are a few examples:

• You can tell today is one of those days your spouse would sooner skip dinner than decide what to eat, so you pick a perennial favorite and make it happen.
• You book your partner’s next several therapy sessions for them, knowing that making phone calls is draining for them.
• Your partner usually handles the taxes, but the two of you agree you will find and hire an accountant this year.

3. Help them pace, especially on good days.

Have you ever had a terrible cold that had you bed-ridden for days? And on day 4, you ran out of patience, got up, put on some tunes, and cleaned the house? And then you woke up the next morning feeling like death? The virus made a comeback.

This absolutely happens with depression, too. So, just as important as helping your beloved get started with whatever is within their range for the day, so is reminding them to stop before they overdo it: “Wow, look at all we’ve done today! The house looks amazing. I’m ready to curl up on the couch and watch our show.”

4. Co-create a container for recovery.

This is where you create some structure [that will probably also benefit you, to be honest]. The name of the game is: a) establish routines that eliminate decision-making, and b) provide opportunities for your partner to opt into activities according to their capacity. A few ideas:

• Dial in your own bedtime and wake time, turning off devices at the same time each night and opening the curtains at the same time each morning.
• Morning rituals are powerful, and they can be whatever suits your family and schedule: an 80s dance party while getting the kids dressed, or YouTube yoga at 10am followed by a quiet breakfast.
• Regular mealtimes and perhaps a little batch-cooking help make the healthier choice also the easiest choice.

5. Protect your limits.

The role of restraint in supporting your depressed partner is to protect three precious assets: their agency, mutual admiration in the relationship, and your own well-being. This item is about the latter.

• Know your boundaries and set them ahead of time. Before you’re feeling desperately burned out or angry, set up parameters that protect your needs. “I have until 6:00pm to talk. After that, do you want to help me make dinner?”
• Preserve time for yourself. This is a heavy moment in life. Set aside time to do things on your own that you know lift you up.
• Maximize your efforts by helping them do only what they are willing to do for themselves. Otherwise, you will find yourself doing for—not with—and burning out fast.
• See your own therapist. You are going through a lot, too. Make sure you’re taking care of your own mental health.

6. Engage help.

You can’t be everything to your spouse. Friends, family, therapists, and external structures provide types of support that you cannot. Recognizing the time to ask for help can be challenging. The following are a few threshold moments that might tip you off:

• Your partner starts complaining to you about you. This is a good time to bring in their best friend and make yourself scarce for the afternoon or evening.
• Your husband is more lethargic than you’ve ever seen him. He needs a couple of little wins to remotivate. You enlist his brother to drop by and suggest they fix the mower together.
• Your wife is already taking meds and doing therapy twice a week, but she’s still having regular crises. You might flag for both her and her therapist that you think something more might be needed—a med adjustment, residential or inpatient care, or a partial hospitalization program, for example.

Closing Thoughts (and Trigger Warning): Suicide

The ultimate worry for people who are dealing with a depressed spouse is suicide. Not all depression comes with suicidality, but it’s correlated and should always be on the radar. Suicidality generally falls into two main categories:

Passive thoughts: Some people experience thoughts all their lives that never (or rarely) rise to the level of active planning. It’s not a crisis, but it is an isolating factor that can lead to crisis, so they may need a safe container for talking about it. Mental health professionals do know how to handle this, but non-clinical options such as peer support groups, trusted friends, and online networks of trained listeners may feel safer.

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Active thoughts: Absolutely engage help. If you’re seeing any of these warning signs of suicide, call your spouse’s therapist or psychiatrist. If they’re not available, many locales have mobile mental health crisis teams that can respond to immediate need. You can, as a spouse/partner, call a suicide crisis line (such as 988 in the U.S.), either for emergencies or for guidance. And if the threat appears imminent, get them to the ER or call emergency services. Their safety is top priority.

To put everything into perspective, the odds are very high that your spouse will get through this bout of depression alive and well. Statistically speaking, your support is less about their survival than it is about loving them through it and keeping the wheels on. This is messy, imperfect work, and that’s allowed.