The Danger of Frankensteining in a Relationship

Frankensteining is one-sidedly trying to change your partner into what you would like him or her to be.

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Typically, you don't want your partner to be a monster, but...welcome to Frankensteining. It's a new trending-on-social-media term to describe a longtime phenomenon in dating and relationships. It's when you one-sidedly try to change your partner into something that he or she is not, based simply on who and what you would like your partner to be.

What Is Frankensteining?

The term comes from Dr. Frankenstein, the mad scientist who created a monster from assembled parts in Mary Shelley's 1818 novel. Frankenstein and his monster subsequently starred in a slew of movies, nearly all of which were not exactly rom-coms. In the 1931 film Frankenstein, the monster didn't turn out to be what Dr. Frankenstein wanted. The monster ended up going on a rampage, killing a bunch of people before being trapped by the villagers in a windmill, which the villagers then set afire, burning the monster alive or perhaps a-dead. That's typically not what you want to happen in a relationship.

Frankensteining is when you try to morph the appearance, interests, habits, behavior, or personality of someone you are dating or have some kind of romantic relationship with into what you would prefer. Usually, this is toward what you envision to be your "ideal" partner. You might try to convince them to switch to a job or career that you prefer and not the one that they necessarily want. Or you might get your partner to re-do his or her wardrobe, hairstyle, make-up or even body parts through plastic surgery.

Frankensteining Can Be Unconscious

You could do this intentionally. You may look at your partner and think, "Nuh uh, not going to do this," and consciously try to re-make him or her into something different. This could be a wholesale all-at-once change, My Fair Lady style, or piece-by-piece over time. You might even have a multi-year Project 2029 plan so that by the summer of 2029, you will have Margot Robbie or someone from BTS as a partner.

Often, though, Frankensteining is unconscious. You could be thinking that you are simply being supportive, just trying to help your partner be a better person. You could even convince yourself that it's what your partner deep down really wants. Frankesteining could start with a small thing that doesn't significantly change your partner, like a single wardrobe accessory change or a soft pivot to eating fruitcake on Sundays. But slowly and steadily, things could escalate toward bigger and bigger changes.

How to Distinguish Frankensteining From Support

The key distinction in Frankensteining is that deep down you are thinking "If only my partner were different in [fill in your favorite things] way, everything would be so, so much better." And that "different" is significantly different from who your partner really is. It's one thing to help bring out your partner's true self and your partner achieve what he or she really wants. It's something totally different to disregard your partner's wishes.

Therefore, you've got to ask yourself whether you are with your partner because you truly like him or her—the real him or her. Or whether you are with your partner simply because you couldn't get a better fit for you. The latter is awful for your partner and not good for your either. Dating is about finding the right fit for each other, and not potentially-the-right-fit-if-all-of-these-things-eventually-change.

Why Might You Frankenstein Someone

You can end up Frankensteining someone when you latch onto that person for particular characteristics such as "Oh, he is so good-looking" or "She actually has a job and can pay for stuff" or "That person has a pulse and actually likes me" but are not really fond of the complete package. Frankensteining is a big risk when you date someone simply because you are lonely, desperate, or. both. For example, I was once Frankensteined by a woman who was really in love with her best friend but he didn't reciprocate. Guess who she tried to morph me into.

Frankensteining can be about control, too. You may be thinking, "Great, now I have a gigantic Ken or Barbie doll at my command." And that doll can essentially go as the following lyrics from that "Barbie Girl" song go: "Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please. I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees." Again, most partners wouldn't want to be such a doll for you. Life in such plastic is not fantastic.

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What to Do if You Are Frankensteining

It's important to recognize when you might be Frankensteining, why, and to what degree. If you do indeed love most of who your partner really is and just want to make some adjustments, maybe have a frank conversation with them to see if they agree. But realize that life and relationships are not perfect. And ask yourself whether such changes would really matter.

If, on the other hand, the changes you want to make are rather significant, then maybe you are not with the right person. In such a case, it may be better for you and your partner to go your separate ways rather than continue to waste each other's time. This can allow both of you the opportunity to find your true matches.

What to Do if You Are Being Frankensteined

Of course, if you are the one getting Frankensteined, it's important to sit bolt upright and have a frank talk with your partner—unless you are OK with being Frankenstein's monster. Ask you partner whether they like you for who you are. If the answer is anything besides a firm "Yes," then maybe it's time to leave the relationship and head to the village.

Ultimately, it's better to recognize any Frankensteining in either direction as soon as possible. Because no one should be stuck in such a monstrous situation.

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