What "Seagulling" Means When It Comes to Dating

"Seagulling" is when you are not really interested romantically in someone but still try to keep others from getting close to him or her..

Source: Photo by Bryce Carithers from Pexels

One thing that you don't want in dating is a gull friend.

That's because if someone is "seagulling" you, he or she is not really romantically interested in you but is still trying to keep others from getting close to you.

Why It's Called "Seagulling"

As with many of these terms that appear on social media or the rest of the Internet, it's not clear who specifically originated the "seagulling" term. But it is clearer why people have been giving this dating practice the bird, so to speak. It's similar to the tendency of seagulls to grab food whether or not they are hungry simply because they don't want others to get the food.

Swap in another human for the seagull, you for the food, and romantic desire for the hunger, and you're being seagulled by someone dating-wise. This may come in the form of the seagull continuing to go on dates with you to keep your hopes up, without progressing towards any type of committed relationship. The seagull may offer little trinkets to keep you from moving on to other people. At the same time, the seagull may be signaling to others to stay away from you, such as making it seem like you are with the seagull and no one else.

Seagulling can come at the other end of a relationship, too—namely, the end of a relationship. The seagull may have long lost interest in you or even broken up with you. But the seagull may keep hanging around, making it more difficult for you to move on and find someone else.

Why Do People Seagull

If all of this has a familiar "wing" to it, you'll know that a seagull essentially is not ready to let go of you for whatever reason, despite the lack of romantic interest in you. Maybe the seagull can still get something from you—such as companionship, status, or financially—that he or she doesn't want to lose to others.

It can be about possessiveness and control as well. The seagull may like the idea of keeping you on the hook, keeping you from anyone else. It can be an ego boost to have that type of sway over you—that whenever the seagull calls, you'll be available. This can essentially be food for someone who likes to manipulate.

The Risks of Getting Seagulled

When you do get seagulled, you could say that you are being gull-able. You are essentially being fooled by someone who doesn't have the best intentions. This, in turn, can be a big waste of time and effort. You are giving of yourself to someone who doesn't really deserve you.

Such a situation can be unpredictable and frustrating too. It can feed your insecurities. After all, "I really want to be manipulated" may not be top of your list when it comes to goals in dating.

It's not a great use of time for the seaguller, either. Although the seaguller may not fully recognize it at the time—especially since the seaguller may not always realize that he or she is seagulling—the seaguller is wasting time that could have been spent finding and being with the right fit for him or her. And time is one thing that no one can ever get back.

How to Avoid Seagulling

Therefore, you want to see seagulls for what they really are as soon as possible. It can help to set clear boundaries and guidelines for you and anyone you are dating. While you shouldn't necessarily rush things, make sure each of you has a finite amount of time for each phase of dating to decide whether to move forward to the next phase versus move on from seeing each other. Things like the 3-3-3 dating rule that I described recently for "A Funny Bone to Pick" can offer some rough guidelines on timelines on the speed at which people should know how to proceed—with an emphasis on rough.

The most important thing is maintaining active communication between the two of you. Make clear what you want. Don't be afraid to ask the other person where things stand and what may happen. If the other person hems and haws, can't give you a clear answer, and seems to be winging it a little too much, then you may have your answer right there.

On the other hand—or wing perhaps—if you are the one seagulling someone, you really should sea-go away. Otherwise, you'll end up wasting both of your time. Don't think that you are off the hook simply because you told the other person that you are just friends. If you are trying in any way to keep the person on your hook away from others, then you are seagulling. And being such a gull friend is not fair to anyone.

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