Most Singles Say Stereotypes Affect Their Dating Lives

Many men and women feel misrepresented by the opposite sex when it comes to dating.

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Have you ever heard, "All men are such and such" or "All women are this and that" when it comes to dating? Has that gotten you all turned off or all upset? Well, it looks like some prevailing gender stereotypes aren't exactly engendering love connections. The 14th annual Singles in America study found that 85 percent of the singles surveyed felt that stereotypes are affecting their dating lives.

The Singles in America study was funded by Match and conducted by Dynata in association with The Kinsey Institute. It was a survey of a demographically representative sample of 5,001 singles in the United States ranging from age 18 to 98. Included in the survey were questions about commonly held stereotypes of men and women and whether the singles felt that those of the opposite sex held such stereotypes of their sex.

Now, you may be saying, "What? There are gender stereotypes?" But, surprise, surprise, plenty of men believe that all women are a certain way, and plenty of women believe that all men are a certain way. It's quite common for people to overlook the tremendous variability and diversity that exists in any sociodemographic category that's not their own, whether it is a different gender, race, ethnicity, or whatever. After all, why take the time and effort to actually get to know someone when you can take shortcuts and throw big swathes of the population all into one bucket?

What Are Some Common Gender Stereotypes Around Dating?

One common stereotype of men is that all of them are only interested in sex. This, of course, is clearly not the case since many men are interested in football as well. But in the Singles in America study, 33 percent of male respondents felt that women held this unsexy stereotype of men, 23 percent were concerned that women misjudged men as lacking emotional intelligence, and 25 percent felt that women incorrectly viewed men as commitment-phobic. A number of women felt stereotyped as well, with 25 percent indicating that they are unfairly viewed as seeking a provider rather than an equal partner and 23 percent feeling misjudged as preferring casual over serious relationships. So it looks like stereotyping others and feeling hurt by stereotypes are neither predominantly male or female things.

How Gender Stereotypes Can Hurt Your Dating

One problem with hanging on to such stereotypes is that you may end up not giving potential dates or even dating enough of a chance. For example, you may overlook someone's positives while you are on high alert, looking for anything that may confirm your preconceived notions of that person. For example, when a man says he likes art, are you thinking, "Is that his artful way of getting into my pants?" You also may end up writing someone off prematurely, such as not following up when you assume that a woman is not interested in a serious relationship. You may not even try dating at all if, for example, you feel that you don't have enough money or sex appeal for others or that the dating scene is just one big hook-up scene.

It's way too easy to use stereotypes as crutches or excuses for any dating woes or challenges. Oh, of course, you can't get a date because all men are simply interested in one-night stands or all women just want to find a guy in finance. It couldn't possibly be your approach to dating that's holding you back, right? And it certainly couldn't be that dating is just hard in general and requires more effort.

You can also run into problems if you assume that others are stereotyping you. It could leave you overly suspicious and too ready to write others off as well. Alternatively, you could end up overcompensating, trying too hard to disprove a perceived stereotype of you to the point that you are not yourself. For example, you don't want to be telling the other person, "Oh, I hate sex, can't stand it," when you actually do like it.

Accept That People Including Yourself Will Hold Stereotypes

Now, before you shake your fist to the sky and lament, "Those darn people who stereotype others, they're ruining everything," keep in mind that you could be very well saying that about yourself. After all, everyone stereotypes others to some degree. Whenever you see someone for the first time, whether it's in a photo or real life, you already immediately form some kind of impression that could be far from reality. You can thank stereotyping for that.

Catch Yourself Stereotyping Others

There's no shortcut to spending the time and effort to really get to know someone.

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The big question is not whether people can stop stereotyping but whether they can recognize when they are doing it and then actively keep their minds (and hearts) open to more information. Doing this requires conscious awareness and constant practice. But you can do it, and so can others. Whenever you're dealing with anyone new, tell yourself how you may be stereotyping that person and try to withhold judgment until you've put in the time and effort to really get to know the person.

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Have Open Conversations About Stereotypes

When you realize that stereotyping is a very human thing to do, you also may be more willing to discuss potential stereotypes more openly with others. For example, if you are worried that the other person just wants to have sex and is not seeking a committed relationship, why not ask him or her directly? Don't beat around the bush. Be open about what you want. Encouraging open communication in both directions can help you learn more about each other as well as test how well the two of you can communicate, all of which can more quickly determine the degree to which you are a fit.

Again, if you want to find the right match for yourself, relying on statements like "all such and such people are this way" is being all too lazy and bypassing the time and effort that's needed to really get to know others. It's all-important to view people as individuals rather than clumping them all together based on superficial characteristics. Taking all kinds of shortcuts in evaluating potential partners could end up pointing you in all the wrong directions.