‘Banksying’ Is a Dating Trend that AI May Be Fueling

Seen here is a mural by Banksy entitled "Battle To Survive a Broken Heart." Banksy's name is now being used to describe a practice that can leave people broken-hearted.

Source: Spencer Platt/Staff/Getty

You've likely heard of Banksy, the anonymous England-based street artist known for painting murals and other types of outside wall art that can pop up in unexpected places. His name has now been appropriated by social media to refer to the practice of secretly planning to break up with a partner way in advance and then progressively detaching from the relationship over the course of weeks or even months until the breakup is finally implemented. The person doing the "Banksying" has plenty of time to adjust to the breakup but leaves the partner in the dark until the deed is finally done.

What Is Banksying?

Banksying is not about losing interest in a relationship and naturally investing less and less effort over time. It's not even a "should I stay or should I go" situation in which you are unclear about what to do. No, when you do the Banksying thing, you are very clear about wanting to end the relationship. You're just not clear at all with your partner about your intent.

It involves planning and executing a deliberate and slow withdrawal from the relationship in a manner that doesn't alert your partner. When it finally happens, the breakup could even end up completely blindsiding your significant other.

It's analogous to flying a plane with someone and then deciding that you want to abandon the airplane in the near future. But instead of telling your copilot, "Hey, I am going to bail on you," you quietly hoard all the parachutes, plan precisely when and where you'll jump out, perhaps even arrange another airplane for yourself in your jump to safely—leaving your copilot alone to try to land the plane. If all of this seems "plane" selfish, that's because it is.

The Reasons for Banksying

Why the heck would you do this to someone you supposedly cared for or even loved? Well, you may not have the guts own up to your true feelings and move on from your current relationship just yet. Maybe you've got some kind of emotional, psychological, social, financial, or logistical entanglements with your partner or relationship, since that's kind of what relationships are all about.

You could want to have time to set up some kind of external narrative about your relationship that makes you look good, because that's all that matters, right? Maybe you can't handle the possibility of being alone and therefore want to set up other dating options or even another partner before tossing aside your current one. Perhaps you even still have some—gasp!—feelings for your current partner that you want to wash away like a spot on Lady Macbeth's hands. Basically, you can't pull the Band-Aid off now because there would be too much "ouchy" for you.

Consulting with Others and AI for Banksying Strategies

Banksying can involve a lot of "strategery" and fakery, as you maneuver to keep your partner in the dark. In one reported incident, a 22-year-old found out she had been Banksyed after reviewing her partner's TikTok posts, in which revealed not only that he had been planning the breakup for a long time but that he had consulted online bro communities and ChatGPT for guidance. Enlisting artificial intelligence (AI) to plan a break-up weeks or months in advance is not exactly a natural way to break up with someone.

At this moment, asking ChatGPT for strategies on how to do the "slow withdrawal" from a relationship returns several recommendations. The first is "Start with boundaries"—advising you to "gradually reduce the amount of time you spend together, be less available for last-minute plans, politely decline certain invitations, and introduce clearer limits around communication (e.g., not texting late at night)."

The second is to "Shift the emotional intensity" by "keep[ing] conversations more surface-level instead of deeply personal, shar[ing] less about your inner life and avoid[ing] leaning on them for emotional support, and respond[ing] warmly but with less intensity, so the relationship naturally cools." The third is to "Expand your circles" by "Invest[ing] more time in other friendships, hobbies, work, or family," which "creates a natural diffusion of energy away from the relationship without confrontation."

ChatGPT did advise, "You want to honor your own needs while avoiding unnecessary cruelty. A 'slow withdrawal' works best when it respects both people’s dignity." Thanks, ChatGPT.

Banksying Is a Bad Idea

Hmm, if your interested in minimizing cruelty and respecting a person's dignity, how about not do the Banksying thing at all? Banksying can be the ultimate selfish act. If you've every been the recipient of Banksying and found out about it, chances are you won't be saying, "That was great. Can't wait to experience that again." No one wants to be deliberately deceived, especially for so long. Finding that your former partner was Banksying you can leave you questioning everything else about them and the former relationship. In fact, it can lead you to being overly suspicious of anyone else in the future.

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Banksying is a tremendous waste of time and effort for everyone involved. Every day spent with the wrong match is potentially one day less with the right one in the future.

Once a person knows for sure that a relationship is not going to work, it is best to end it there. If you are thinking of Banksying someone, don't. Instead, be upfront about how you feel. Have the guts to deal with the fallout.

Similarly, if you suspect that you are the victim of Banksying, gently ask your partner without being accusatory. You don't want to mistake the standard ebbs and flows of a relationship with ill intent. Make it clear that you prefer frankness, openness, and honesty and can handle any thoughts or concerns that your partner has.

The measure of people is not necessarily how they enter relationships—whether personal or professional— but how they exit them. Do they do it in a selfish manner devoid of respect or caring for what was?, Or do they do it with consideration for the other person?

Banksying basically demonstrates that the other person is much better off without you.