What Does Exclusive Mean in a Relationship?

Exclusivity in a relationship is when you agree to date just each other and not see anyone else.

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Are you ready for an exclusive, an exclusive relationship, that is? Maybe you've been seeing someone for a little while, or a lotta while, and would like to take this we're-seeing-each-other-but-who-knows-who-else-may-be-in-the-picture thing to a more serious, committed level.

Being exclusive would mean the two of you agree to date just each other and not see anyone else. Well, before you go all "e" on each other, both of you should actually be ready to be exclusive and agree on what, exactly, that means. Otherwise, the resulting relationship could be inclusive of a whole lot of misunderstanding and hurt.

The Benefits of Exclusivity

Dating someone nonexclusively can be a bit akin to being in the interview phase for a job. You never know when you might be told something in the following vein: "Thank you for your interest in the position and your time spent trying to impress me. After careful consideration, I have decided not to move forward with your application at this time, given the large pool of qualified candidates."

Exclusivity, on the other hand, can bring the following:

• More emotional security and safety: It can be comforting to know that the other person is there for only you as opposed to 22.
• More certainty: There's less of a guessing game of whether the other person actually likes you and whom you'll be seeing over the weekend or bringing to that annual company tractor pull.
• Less stress, worry, and jealousy: You no longer have to wonder who and how many other people the person is seeing and what he or she or is doing with them.
• More trust: You can reveal more about yourselves to each other without having to say, "Oh, and please don't tell this to the 22 other people you may be dating."
• A boost in self-esteem and ego: It's nice to be the first choice of someone and be able to refer to someone as your "significant other" or "Schmoopy" as opposed to "the person I may have sex with as long as the dinner before is good," "the person whom I have I-don't-know-what with," or "my significant situationship."
• More opportunities to relax and be yourself: No longer competing with others can mean you no longer have to present and polish some kind of an image.
• Greater investment into the relationship: Few people would say, "I really want to put my all into this situationship."
• Deeper connection and greater intimacy: All of the above can allow your relationship to progress, sort of like how you can do more as an actual employee than as a temp.
• Greater ability to plan for the future: It helps to know that the other person will actually still be around.

The Drawbacks of Exclusivity

Of course, exclusivity is not all rainbows and unicorns for everyone. Otherwise, you'd be seeing a lot more going-exclusive-after-the-first-Tinder-date situations. Going exclusive typically means giving up things, such as:

• Opportunities to date other people: Telling your exclusive partner, "Honey, let's date while I try to find a better match" probably won't go over too well.
• Opportunities to have sex with other people: Yeah, this isn't part of the fine print of exclusivity. It should be on the front of the package.
• Freedom to do whatever you want: Gone will be those days when you can sleep, eat, shower, or fart whenever and however you want.
• Focusing on just yourself: You now have to consider, support, and be available for someone else as well.
• Being non-committal: Few people will say, "What I like most about our exclusive relationship is how my significant other always tries to keep everyone else happy and rarely sides with me."
• Being mysterious and inscrutable: You might need to tell the other person that you are indeed the Batman.

Are You Ready to Be Exclusive?

Exclusivity shouldn't be one of those after-30-days-there's-no-returning-this-item automatic type of things. In order to reap the benefits, you've got to be ready and willing to accept the limitations and ask yourself the following questions:

• How well do you know the other person? It helps to know not only the person's name but also his or her personality, values, priorities, and life situation to determine whether you may be a good match.
• Do you see a future with the person? If the answer is "no," then exclusivity could be like basing your entire house design on a couch that you plan on returning soon.
• Is there no one else you'd rather be with now? It would not be fair to either of you to settle for number four on your list just because you are not sure whether you can get number one.
• Are you ready to make each other a priority? This has to be mutual. You can't expect the other person to prioritize you while you prioritize others.
• Are you ready to be exclusive with anyone? If, for example, you have the sexual loyalty of a rabbit, then maybe going exclusive is a bad idea for both of you.

Exclusivity May Mean Different Things to Different People

When exclusive with someone, people may have different views on what's allowable and expected with other people who are outside the relationship.

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Keep in mind that "exclusivity" and "not see anyone else" may mean quite different things to two different people. There can be a lot of leeway in the specifics.

For example, for some, being exclusive can mean that they can still flirt like they are a Black Friday on-sale item and keep their exclusivity with you under wraps like it's some kind of state secret. The key is that your expectations and theirs have to match.

Have a Frank Talk about Being Exclusive and What It Means to Both of You

Therefore, never assume anything about exclusivity until you've had "The Talk." Don't assume that you are exclusive with someone until you've actually talked about and agreed to be exclusive with one another.

Don't assume that others share your views on and definition of exclusivity. Don't assume that your partner will comply with your definition or any other definition, for that matter, until you have both reached such an agreement explicitly. Otherwise, it could be like walking into a Taylor Swift concert assuming you don't need a ticket.

The Exclusivity Talk Can Be an Important Test

Consider the open, frank discussion about exclusivity an important early test of your relationship. It can show whether you can indeed communicate clearly and transparently with each other and whether you are a good match.

If, on the other hand, you can't discuss exclusivity without squirming like you have a ferret in your pants, then maybe, just maybe, it's not the best sign for the future.