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Key points
- "Throning" is dating someone mainly to enhance one's reputation and boost one's ego by association.
- Throning has been around for a long time and can be fine when both sides are clear about the arrangement.
- Problems arise when one side thinks the relationship is deeper than a transactional, using-each-other one.
- If you want to avoid throning, look for warning signs such as excessive flattery and self-centeredness.
It may have a regal new name. But "throning," a term being thrown around by Gen Zers these days, doesn't represent anything new. It's being defined as dating someone mainly to enhance one's reputation and boost one's ego by association—putting a partner on a throne to display to others rather than caring about the partner as a real person.
It's effectively a form of hypergamy, which has been around since, oh, maybe the beginning of dating. Hypergamy is the practice of dating or marrying someone of higher status in an attempt to better one's situation in some way. Whereas hypergamy may have a range of differing goals, the goal of throning is highly specific: dating someone to enhance your reputation. You are dating such-and-such-muckety-muck-big-cheese-hot-tamale so that others will, in turn, assume you are a big enchilada, too. The primary purpose of being with your partner is to bathe in the spout of their clout.
Dating in high school is in many ways a game of throning, with many people competing for the romantic attention of the popular kids in order to be considered popular, too. But what happens in high school doesn't necessarily stay in high school. Throning can continue well into adulthood, which is one of the reasons why the big persons on campus, the big professional luminaries, and the big celebrities always seem to have people interested in dating them regardless of how they look, act, and treat other people.
In fact, throning behavior isn't limited to dating. Consider how many people aim to become popular or more prominent by associating with the popular people in workplaces, schools, and social situations. Who hasn't encountered that person at work who has influence simply because he or she is close to the big boss? Or how about the name-dropper who essentially is trying to tell you, "I know important people so I am important?"
If you are in the dating arena, expect throning to occur around you, to the side of you, or even at you. Or maybe you are the one who's throning others. Throning can be fine if both parties are cool with it. If you make your throning very clear to the other person, it's really up to him or her to decide whether to play.
Problems arise, though, when there's a mismatch, misunderstanding, miscommunication, or missed communication altogether so that one side thinks the relationship is deeper than a transactional, using-each-other one. This can be the case when the person doing the throning pretends to be interested in the other person as a person rather than just as a reputation.
And even if the throner is completely transparent, the anointed one could still misperceive deeper interest—sort of like when car buyers begin to believe that a salesperson is offering a discount only because he or she really likes them. There's also the Pretty Woman fantasy, by which one hopes that what starts as a transaction can blossom into more, a once-the-other-person-sees-who-I-really-am hope.
In dating as in other domains of life, it's important to be clear about intentions. If you want to knock people off their throning, pay attention to these 10 signs:
- They tell you they are throning you. Remember what Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
- They keep mentioning or asking you about your reputation. Because people tend to talk most about what they care about most.
- They flatter you excessively and brag about you to others. Compliments can be like sugar, sweet in reasonable quantities but icky when there's way too much.
- They seem self-centered and overly concerned about their reputation. Are they all about me, me, me, or meme, meme, meme on social media?
- They are nicer to you in public than in private. Because they wouldn't want others to see how they really treat you.
- They seem cold and calculating. When you are alone together such as when you Netflix and chill, do you feel genuine warmth or a chill running down your spine?
- They don't seem to be interested in you as a person and don't share much about themselve. After all, they wouldn't want any real emotional connection to form, would they?
- They aren't there for you when you need them. When you are experiencing hard times, do they hardly lift a finger?
- They seem to be very interested in the reputations of others. They may be always on the lookout for a higher rung to swing up to after you've served your purpose.
- They have a history of throning. Do they go on and on about how well-known their exes were?
If you want to stay away from the throne, own what you may be doing to attract people seeking to use you. When you sell any kind of product or service, the customers tend to match what and how you are advertising. Similarly, when doing the dating thing, how you portray yourself can determine whom you'll attract. If you lead with or rely heavily on your status, guess what others who respond may be primarily seeing and seeking? The more you are your true self when dating, the more likely you will find someone who truly matches you.
Facebook image: Roman J Royce/Shutterstock
