How Arguments Can Help Strengthen a Relationship

Arguments can be good things to have because they can be an important form of communication and a way to better understand each other.

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A relationship without arguments may seem ideal. And indeed, I once went through years in a relationship without having a single major argument with my then significant other. But I would argue that such a situation is not good. While not arguing may have left the superficial impression of everything being hunky dory, in reality it wasn't. Not arguing allowed a lot of R&R to build—resentment and "arrrgh." Eventually, and not surprisingly, the whole relationship exploded in a very messy breakup.

There were certainly times throughout the relationship when we could have had arguments. For example, when I felt that one of her family members was being nasty toward me, I raised the issue with her. But when she appeared reluctant to do anything about it, I didn't continue pushing the issue. That was a mistake, leading more to harm than harmony. Deep down, the unresolved issue continued to build resentment in me. I became less and less affectionate towards her, which was not very fair to her. She undoubtedly noticed but didn't really bring it up until the very end.

Not to say that having arguments would have fixed everything in that relationship. But at least, arguments would have exposed sooner what could and could not have been fixed. Arguments would have more quickly revealed fundamental incompatibilities, which could have ended up saving both of us a lot of time.

When two human beings are close in any way, it's completely unrealistic to expect no disagreements regardless of how compatible they may be. Heck, assuming that you are not a full-blown narcissist, you're sure to get fed up with even yourself every now and then. No two people are always going to fit together like hand in glove. Sometimes it's going to be more like hands in boxing gloves.

Arguments can be an important way to communicate. When done constructively, arguing can help you better understand each other and any issues that may be coming between you. It can provide a release valve for pent-up frustrations. It can help reveal problems to which you can design and implement solutions. As a result, it can actually help both parties grow and even greatly strengthen the relationship.

The key, then, is not to avoid arguments as if they were sweater vests but rather to accept and even embrace them. Arguments are not necessarily a sign that you two are incompatible. More important are the answers to the following three questions:

1. What are you arguing about?

Are you constantly arguing about things that are not very significant, such as, Which is more important: chocolate or cheese?" when the answer should be "Yes" ? If the argument is about something that doesn't really matter in the long run, it may be best to table the argument by agreeing to disagree. Arguing about little stuff all the time can become tiring and erode the bond between you.

However, make sure that the topic of the argument doesn't actually represent a deeper unspoken issue. Never feel afraid to bring up an important issue more directly simply because you don't want to have an argument. In fact, it's better to have an argument as soon as an important point of contention arises.

2. How are you arguing with each other?

Don't bring the heavy ammunition into an argument. Your goal is not to pummel the other person into submission.

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Arguing doesn't mean that you can bring out the heavy artillery just to pummel the other person. Don't target the other person's trigger points or try to manipulate or gaslight the other person just to "win" or have the satisfaction of seeing him or her squirm. Instead, fight fairly with the intention of finding solutions rather than winning over the other person. The only way to win the argument is if your relationship is better off in the end.

3. What results from the argument?

Having an argument is like holding a business meeting. Don't have it for the sake of having it. Don't stop arguing without first solving the problem or at least discussing concrete next steps on how you are going to truly resolve the disagreement. And even after you think you've resolved the conflict, continue to check in with each other in the days after the argument to make sure that there aren't any lingering hard feelings.

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All in all, don't view arguments as an oh-my-goodness-is-this-a-sign-that-we-aren't-compatible-what-am-I-going-to-do-maybe-I-need-to-get-back-on-Tinder-or-the-equivalent type of situation. Instead, view arguments as another form of communication, a very important form of communication.

Ideally, you and your partner, whether the relationship is personal or professional, should discuss and agree upon ground rules on how you are going to argue in general. And these ground rules should include not trying to run each other into the ground. The ability to constructively argue is an important sign of a healthy relationship. And if you can't seem to argue fairly with each other at all, then I would argue that maybe, just maybe, it's not the right relationship for you.