Boundaries
When Boundaries Cross the Line
How self-protection turns into avoidance and control.
Posted June 6, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Not all boundaries are healthy. Intention matters.
- Therapy-speak language can mask avoidance or control in boundary setting.
- Healthy boundaries foster connection, not division.
In recent times, boundaries have received significant attention in the quest for healthy limit setting. Social media is quick to promote messages of protecting our peace, saying no without guilt, and walking away from situations that do not serve us. For many, this feedback and advice has been invaluable, especially for those struggling with people-pleasing or neglecting their own needs. But just like anything else, can there be too much of a good thing? What happens when boundaries become a form of control, or a form of avoidance? Sometimes the line is thin, and what initially starts with a healthy limit and boundary setting can easily turn unhealthy, guised by therapy speak.
What Are Boundaries
Boundaries are parameters we place on conversations to communicate our limits, uphold our values, and protect our energy. They communicate where we stand, and where we are willing to go. Boundaries are exceedingly important, fostering clarity, and self-respect as well as the respect of others. Most importantly, boundaries focus on us: our behavior, our limits to communication, and our stance. They do not change others.
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries:
“I need some time to think this over before I make a decision.”
“I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take five minutes to cool down.”
“I care deeply about you and want to support you, but I am feeling overwhelmed right now and I can’t be there in the way you need me.”
“I’m off the clock at 4:00pm and do not respond to work messages after this time.”
In each of these examples, there is clear communication about where the individual stands and what to expect. We are not asking or expecting others to change their behavior but more so providing a heads up of this is where I stand and this is what I will be doing.
When Boundaries Become Avoidance
A common slippery slope in boundary setting occurs when limits shift from protective to avoidant behavior. The line between protecting ourselves and avoiding discomfort is thin. It’s easy to convince ourselves (and others) that we are “setting a boundary,” when in reality we are avoiding a difficult conversation or unpleasant emotions. For example, person A in a relationship may say, “I’m triggered and can’t talk about that” when in a disagreement with their partner. In this instance, the “boundary” may feel like self-care, when actually it is withdrawing from the conversation due to a challenging topic or uncomfortable feelings.
Another instance of avoidance is the following situation: you and a colleague have a disagreement on how a mutual project was handled. The project has been turned in, but your colleague sends you an email asking you to meet and talk through what went wrong and how future situations can be handled differently. You respond, “I need to protect my time; I’m not going to rehash past issues and instead will only focus on moving forward.” In this example, the “boundary” appears to be about respecting and preserving time, when it’s really an attempt at avoiding a conversation where they may have to admit faults or navigate unpleasant dialogue.
When Boundaries Turn Into Control
Setting a boundary can feel empowering, but power without reflection or examination can quickly turn into control or dominance. One hallmark of healthy boundary setting is clarity to connect with others and the understanding of how to move forward. Boundaries tell us how to stay in relationships. When that pathway is eliminated, it is now a power play and becomes manipulative. Take the following examples:
- Cutting someone off or ghosting them without an explanation, and saying they crossed a boundary.
- Using therapy speak language such as “triggered,” “trauma,” or “toxic” out of context, or as an attempt to coerce or manipulate a conversation.
- Making a statement to change someone else’s behavior. For example, “If you keep going out with your friends, I’m going to have to re-evaluate staying in this relationship.”
- Setting a new boundary on previously agreed-upon and understood topics. For example, “If you can’t get Fridays off work, you’ll need to start paying for daycare because I want the day off.”
Context is important; there are times when setting these types of limits is appropriate and necessary. However, when the true intention behind a “boundary” is to hold onto power or manipulate others into changing their behavior, it becomes unhealthy and inappropriate. In such cases, the so-called boundary serves more as a tool to control or influence others, rather than a genuine act of self-care or protection.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
The following guidelines can be used in implementing healthy boundaries:
- Assess the purpose of the boundary- am I doing this for me, or to change someone else?
- Is my boundary meant to teach others how to remain in the relationship, or does it purposefully push away?
- Communicate why you are setting the boundary and why it’s important for it to be maintained.
- Set boundaries early to create a standard.
- Lead with grace. Even when boundaries are clear and understood, there may be times when individuals slip up or cross a boundary. Instead of cutting someone off, take note of whether they are trying. We’re not perfect, and progress counts.
Boundary-setting is an important and needed construct to foster and maintain healthy relationships. As with any good concept, it can be easy to slip into ulterior motives, whether conscious or subconsciously, and cross a healthy line. Boundaries can easily be misunderstood or misapplied, shifting from genuine protection of our limits into avoidance, manipulation, or control. True boundaries clearly communicate our own needs and limits without demanding others change, fostering respect and connection rather than division or dominance. By reflecting honestly on our intentions and practicing open communication, we can ensure that our boundaries serve their healthy purpose.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
