Reframing Remorse and Regret

As human beings, each of us is at once perfect and a work in progress. As we grow and expand our knowledge and understanding of the world, we sometimes experience setbacks and failures. We sometimes make mistakes. Some of those mistakes, long after we have made them, loom large in our minds and persist in our thoughts, so much so that we are burdened with regret and remorse for the hurt and harm we have caused others.

Defining regret and remorse

Regret is essentially a troublesome and distressing memory of a past event that we view as negative. Regret can relate to actions, choices, situations, or events where we have caused another person, other people, or ourselves hurt or harm. Mired in regret, we often blame ourselves, ruminate over missed opportunities and negative outcomes, or feel bad after failing to act or intervene effectively to assist another person.

Remorse, while tied to the same negative memories, refers to deep and distressing feelings of guilt and shame for what we have done, as well as an urge to make amends.

As humans, we are not only prone to making mistakes, but we are also hard-wired to place more importance on our mistakes and negative outcomes than on our successes and gains. This hard-wiring is known as the negativity bias, and it serves as a means of self-protection against imminent threats and the repetition of past mistakes.

The negative impacts of remorse and regret

Burdened by remorse and regret, we can remain trapped in feelings of low self-worth, self-blame, shame and guilt, diminished courage, and mental health impacts. Research findings of a 2022 study by the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai established a link between regret and mood disorders, like depression. A 2024 study examining the relationship between regrets and well-being concluded that “greater life regret is associated with negative effects on various aspects of well-being, such as life satisfaction and depressive symptoms.” The 2022 study, "The Shame Spiral of Addiction: Negative Self-Conscious Emotion and Substance Use," established shame and guilt as “barriers to reducing stimulant use.” A 2021 meta-analysis on the impact of shame linked shame to low self-esteem.

Given the serious long-term negative impacts of living with remorse and regret, it is critical to forge a more positive way forward and leave the emotional debris of our past where it belongs, in the past.

Moving forward in positivity

Reframing is all about seeing events, situations, and relationships in a new, more adaptive, and positive way. When we work on viewing the painful events of our past—events that continue to cause us harm in the form of remorse and regret—from a new perspective, through a more self-compassionate lens, our understanding of past situations can shift and change. We can begin to build a new perspective and understanding of situations that have continued to cause us pain and suffering. We can learn to identify the lessons we have learned, make amends where possible, find meaning in our mistakes, and move forward with courage, confidence, and resilience.

We are more

The reality is that we are more than our failures, our mistakes, our self-doubt, and our fears. We can choose to bring love and compassion not only to others but also to ourselves. We can decide to process our past hurts and clear a path for increased joy and happiness. We can choose to learn from our mistakes and move forward with positivity.

We need to realize that what happened in the past—no matter how painful or traumatic—need not have power over us in the present. We can decide to forgive ourselves for letting our past overshadow our present. We can choose to let go of self-criticism, treat ourselves with love and compassion, and forge a more positive way forward by processing our pain and putting our remorse and regrets where they belong—in the past.

6 steps to reframing remorse and regret

1. Identify situations, events, or actions in your past that continue to play on repeat in your mind.
2. Build an awareness of your persistent negative thoughts, self-limiting beliefs, and feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, and self-blame. Awareness is key to creating positive change and letting go of what no longer serves you.
3. Acknowledge the lessons you have learned from your mistakes, how harshly you have judged and treated yourself, and how unhealthy ruminations have impacted your self-worth and courage.
4. Realize that you did the best you could with your skill sets, knowledge at the time, what your past mistakes have taught you, and how they have informed your actions and compelled you to make different choices moving forward.
5. Resolve to put your regrets in the past, where they belong, and move forward using the lessons learned from your mistakes to forge a more positive, adaptive way forward.
6. Reach out for help if you are struggling with regret and remorse. A mental health professional can provide you with support, insights, and strategies to help build your self-esteem and self-compassion and move forward in positivity.