Child Development
How Emotional Triggers Control Us
You may be surprised to learn what's at the heart of your emotional triggers.
Updated May 24, 2025 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- At the heart of our emotional triggers often lies a childhood narrative.
- When we overreact, we are likely triggered by present-day events, reawakening past events and their emotions.
- When we’re triggered, an earlier narrative gets activated so that we behave as if we're still in the past.
- Triggers give us the opportunity to locate and better understand our early narratives.
(This post is Part 1 of a two-part post.)
Everyone has emotional triggers—we’ve all experienced the sudden rush of intense feelings set off by something someone says or does. Almost by definition, when we’re triggered, we react without thinking, and afterward, when things have calmed down, we might wonder why we had such an intense reaction—a reaction so intense that we regret what we said or did.
Just know that being triggered is a very common experience and that there’s a lot you can do to keep your triggers from controlling you.
What's at the Heart of Emotional Triggers
Triggers are often childhood wounds that never fully healed, such that they are now sensitive areas which, when “triggered” by something in the present, return us to the original hurt. At these moments, we are no longer our rational 35-year-old selves. Instead, our not-so-rational childhood feelings take over, and we react to the present as if we were still in the past.
We have triggers for a reason: they helped us deal with bad things in our past. Back then, emotional triggers protected us. Now they get in our way.
For example, when five-year-old Anthony hears his alcoholic father return home after dinner and start to raise his voice, he knows it’s best to sneak off to his room. This becomes a trigger for Anthony: if someone raises his voice, he wants to retreat and hide.
As a child, this kept Anthony away from his father’s angry wrath. The trigger helped him survive a bad situation.
As an adult, however, the trigger gets in his way: Anytime his partner gets irritated and raises his voice, Anthony walks away and avoids him. Rather than talk through their issues, Anthony fears his boyfriend’s anger, even though Anthony knows his partner—unlike his father—can control his anger.
Triggers Often Point to Early Narratives
At the heart of our emotional triggers often lies a childhood narrative. (For a quick review of what narratives are, check out the post, “How We Form Lifelong, Unhealthy Narratives.”)
As children, we are constantly forming narratives about how things generally work. Based on our experiences, along with the feelings and thoughts that accompany these experiences, we construct narratives that form our system of beliefs.
We could illustrate it like this:
In this way, Anthony arrived at the narrative that he should avoid people who are angry.
This Venn diagram can be rewritten to illustrate how we get triggered by present-day events:
Notice how our rational, thinking mind “turns off” as we are flooded with old, childhood feelings triggered by the present-day event. In the end, we behave according to the original narrative, which is probably not the best choice for the present-day circumstances.
To sum up, here’s what happens:
- An event creates some feelings.
- These present-day feelings trigger past feelings.
- The past feelings awaken past narratives.
- The past narratives determine our present-day behaviors.
Here's another example: Let’s say I grew up in a military family, moving frequently so that I was always losing friends. As a result, I formed the narrative that making friends wasn’t worth it.
As a child, this narrative protected me from further losses whenever we moved. But as a young adult, when my girlfriend tells me she’s ready to “step up” our relationship and be exclusive because she really likes me, I become triggered.
As she asks for more intimacy, I panic with a childhood fear. The trigger has re-ignited old narratives and old ways of coping with problems. Though I can’t explain my reasons to her or myself, I break up with her.
When we’re triggered, an early narrative is activated by our present situation so that we behave as if we’re still in the past.
Another way to put it: Our adult self is being controlled by our little kid self. It’s as if we’re letting an eight-year-old tell us what to do and how to act.
Put this way, do you want a little kid running your life?
Conclusion: Moving Past Old Triggers
At the heart of a trigger lies an unhealthy childhood narrative. These narratives aren’t set in stone. We can change them, and when we do, our triggers lose their power. Rather than react emotionally, we respond mindfully.
To learn more about changing your narratives, check out the post, “5 Steps for Changing Your Own Unhealthy Narratives.”
(This post is Part 1 of a two-art post. To learn how deal with your triggers, check out Part 2, “How to Manage Emotional Triggers in 5 Steps.”)
