You're Not the Thought You're Thinking

In my mid-20s, I was the target of a colleague’s relentless “mean girl” behavior. It was inexplicable. Perhaps she resented the attention I received, or she may have been provoked by my seemingly outward indifference to her hostility. Her bullying was corrosive. A single interaction could darken my mood and spark negative thoughts that spiraled long after.

But one day, that all changed. I arrived at an event, invitation in hand, to find her stationed at the registration table. She refused to let me in. Humiliated, tears welling, I turned to leave. But the exchange had not gone unnoticed. Someone with authority had witnessed her behavior and intervened, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and ushering me inside. That woman didn’t just salvage my evening; she became a friend who championed me, generously ensuring I was included in future events and treated with respect.

I eventually came to see the bullying as a dark gift, one that taught me profound lessons about resilience and a simple truth: Happy people don’t weaponize their pain. I came to view her with compassion and now see the mean girl behavior as an expression of insecurity. If I saw that former colleague today, I would say, “Your behavior was hurtful, but it became a catalyst for growth. It opened doors to friendships and experiences I would not otherwise have found. I am grateful.”

I could have tucked thoughts of victimhood in a backpack that weighed me down. Instead, I chose to reframe the experience. It was a powerful reminder: We can’t control what happens to us, but we can choose how we carry the experience in our heart and mind. Reframing doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it releases us from being tethered to it. When we reinterpret pain through a lens of growth and understanding, we reclaim our power.

Your thoughts hold extraordinary power. John Milton captured this timeless truth in Paradise Lost when he wrote, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n.” Modern psychology agrees that our thoughts don’t reflect reality; rather, they shape it.

Psychologists know that unhappiness doesn’t necessarily stem from what has happened to us but from the voice in our head telling us what it means. Your thoughts can infuse life with equanimity, clarity, and vitality, fueling an existence where you thrive...or they can drag you into emotional loops of fear, resentment, and despair, leaving you depleted. Choosing what you think becomes your reality.

Studies show that individuals who practice cognitive reappraisal, which involves changing how they interpret events to alter their emotional impact, experience greater positive emotions, improved social functioning, and lower levels of depression. It can be life-changing.

The Art of Reframing

This is the art and science of reframing. Just as I reframed the bullying I endured, mining it for lessons learned, you, too, can reframe anything. Here are two life-changing questions to ask when your emotions flare:

What is the thought prompting this feeling? Is this thought serving me?

Say you are speaking at an event and lose your train of thought, stumbling over your words. You feel humiliated and incompetent. Shame floods you.

Here’s how to reframe it:

Notice the thought: Rather than saying “I am humiliated,” say, “I am having the thought that I'm humiliated.” This recognizes that it is the thought, not the event, that’s causing you pain.

Ask: Is this thought serving me or harming me? Most negative thoughts are punishing and unhelpful.

Reframe the thought: Ask: What did I learn from this hiccup? What would I advise a friend in this situation? Remind yourself that everyone stumbles and that small failures make you a better speaker. Failures do not define you.

Anchor a new thought: I learned how to prevent this from recurring in the future and will be more prepared next time. Acknowledging this growth feels good and builds confidence.

Years ago, a colleague told me she had been fired from her job due to a restructuring. I marveled that she reported it to me without a trace of emotion, and with a shrug of her shoulders. She added, “I learned a lot there and am applying for jobs I would not be qualified for had I not held this position.” She artfully reframed emotional distress by replacing the thought of failure as a positive pivot in her career track.

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An exercise for you to try

Think of a recent moment that left you feeling hurt, frustrated, or embarrassed.

• Write down what happened.

• Identify the thought that followed.

• Ask yourself: Is this thought helpful?

• Reframe it: What might be another way to see the situation? How did this experience aid your growth and understanding?

Your mind is a meaning-making machine. It’s essential to acknowledge that your most difficult moments can become hinges that swing your thoughts toward wisdom and strength, pointing you toward doors waiting to be opened. The next time you feel sad, stressed, angry, or disappointed, ask yourself this: What is another way to tell this story?