Divorcing When Pregnant or With an Infant

When Alicia and Jared sought my help with their divorce, Alicia was pregnant with their first child. They had been married for about a year. Tiffany and Norah called me when their only child was just 4 months old. In my work with families going through divorce, these kinds of cases were often the most challenging because parents mistakenly believed that the divorce wouldn’t affect their young children. These parents were generally unwilling to work in couples counseling and were eager to “just move on.”

Divorce affects newborns and babies in ways that aren’t immediately visible to us or their parents. The emotional turmoil leading up to divorce may even affect a baby in utero. Babies can’t understand their family situation, but experience the changes, emotional upsets, and environmental changes deeply and nonverbally. Typically, they experience changes in caregiving, parental stress levels, and attachment disruptions.

How the youngest children are impacted by divorce

1. The first year of life is critical for brain development and establishing a sense of safety and security. Babies learn from how their needs are met: If their needs are met reliably and with care, they will learn to trust the world around them and those who care for them. The primary attachments formed in their first year lay a foundation for a child to feel secure in the world. Divorce disrupts these attachments, as there are often changes in caregiving as the parents share parenting time. Babies don’t have a sense of time and lose their sense of security when a parenting schedule doesn’t include frequent and continuing contact with each parent. Bonding can be unstable or fragile. Since babies need consistent routines, frequent breaks in contact with a parent can be stressful or confusing for babies, undermining their need to develop a sense of stability and safety.
2. Babies are like emotional sponges, although they don’t have the cognitive skills to express what they feel. We know that babies pick up the emotions of their caregivers and are exquisitely sensitive to their parents’ facial expressions and nonverbal emotional energy. Ideally, a baby and parent are mutually self-regulating in a positive way, helping to calm a baby. But when parents are angry, under stress, or in conflict, babies' acute "radar” will sense this negative energy. You may see this expressed as fussiness, feeding issues, or sleep disturbances.
3. Parents in a high-conflict divorce are exposing their babies to ongoing, or chronic stress. This may have long-term consequences on brain development. One factor is the continuing release of stress hormones, such as cortisol, which affect the babies’ immune systems and their developing nervous systems. Later, this may show up as the child’s difficulties in emotional regulation, so you may see tantrum behaviors or a pervasive negativity in mood.
4. Babies need two parents who can be fully present with the baby, especially when they have shared (reduced) parenting time. Babies thrive when parents “light up” with joy in their interactions, so a parent who is distracted, depressed, angry, or anxious is emotionally unavailable to the baby, and this can affect both the development of secure attachments and their emotional development.

What you can do to support your baby or infant through divorce

1. When babies have consistent and predictable routines, they feel safe and secure. Maintain feeding and sleeping routines and consistent parenting time.
2. Keep conflict away from the baby. Don’t deceive yourself about the baby’s ability to sense your distress. Commit to avoiding conflict with your ex, which may mean avoiding direct contact as much as possible.
3. Work with a professional to develop a parenting schedule that ensures frequent and continuing contact with both parents, with as few disruptions as possible in sleep and feeding schedules.
4. Your self-care is essential so that you can be fully present with your child. You cannot provide a calm and nurturing environment when you are not calm yourself. Seek support from family, friends, and counseling to help you through this transition. Divorce groups are available online and in most communities.

Alicia and Jared’s divorce was bitter because Alicia suspected Jared of cheating while she was pregnant. She wanted to pack up and move away with the baby. Fortunately, after some months of counseling, she recognized that Jared’s commitment to being an involved father was sincere, and they were able to resolve their divorce with a mediator and develop a parenting schedule with help from a divorce coach.

Tiffany and Norah bird-nested for two years, allowing their baby to stay in one home, while they rotated on and off “duty.” Over time, Tiffany and Norah deepened their friendship and partnership in raising their child, although they each eventually found new romantic partners.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2025