“What Do I Do Now?”: The First Question After Divorce

When a marriage ends, the very first question many people ask isn’t about lawyers or paperwork. It may be a quiet unspoken fear or a turbulent tailspin: “What do I do now?”

Or maybe it’s “How will I get through this?” Maybe these words aren’t spoken aloud, but this is a normal reaction to an emotional earthquake. Whether you saw it coming or it hit you out of nowhere, these questions can be overwhelming.

This post is for that moment when you’re struggling, trying to make sense of your next steps. Not the court dates or the logistics—those will come—but where your heart is broken, you’re knocked off balance, and your future seems unimaginable. You aren’t even sure who you are anymore.

Let’s walk through it. Let’s hold that emotional moment with self-compassion and open space for some practical steps you can take right now to start finding your footing again.

Step 1: Breathe. It Works!

It sounds simple, but especially now, the breath is your anchor. You just need to come back to yourself—one breath at a time.

Try this:

• Sit down. Close your eyes.
• Take a slow inhale for four counts.
• Hold for four.
• Exhale for seven.
• Hold again for four.
• Repeat for a minute or two.

This is a proven technique to calm your nervous system. When your body starts to feel safe, your mind can follow.

Step 2: You’re Not Broken—You’re on a Bridge.

Catch yourself if your mind jumps to self-criticism. Your inner critic may blame you for the divorce. In time, you will reflect on what led to this moment. For now, remember that divorce is not a personal failure. It’s a transition, painful for sure. Think of it as a bridge to your next chapter. Although you don’t see them yet, opportunities will bloom as you move into your next chapter. You are evolving.

Allow all the emotions, anger, grief, and anxiety, and be gentle with yourself. Remember that healing takes time, and accept that there is no timeline for healing.

Step 3: Go Slow and Think in Small Steps.

When you’re suffering, it’s tempting to try and fix everything at once. Not only is this impossible, but real healing grows in self-care, such as:

• Make your bed. It helps you feel like it’s a normal start to the day.
• Take a short walk, especially in the morning sunlight, if you can. Movement clears the mind. Ten minutes outside will help you feel grounded.
• Drink water. Seriously. Hydration helps more than you think. Even showering helps you feel more stable.
• Write down one thing you’re feeling. Take 10 minutes to journal every day without filtering your thoughts.

Little steps like these remind you that you’re still here, and you’re still capable. Make it your new routine, and it will get easier each day.

Step 4: Find Your Support.

You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

Whether it’s a friend, a therapist, a support group, or even an online community—find the people who can hold space for your feelings.

Look for those who listen more than they speak. Avoid those who try to “fix” you. Your true friends, those who simply convey “I’m here for you,” will be your support.

Whether you have a therapist or not, consider counseling to help for the next few months. Do this before you start the legal, logistical, and financial processes if you can. All will go more smoothly if you take these first few weeks for self-care to get grounded again.

Step 5: Begin to Reclaim Yourself.

In a marriage, especially a longer one, it’s easy to lose little parts of yourself. Now is the time to begin gathering them back as you imagine a new future.

Ask yourself:

• What used to light me up?
• What have I always wanted to try?
• What kind of life do I want to create now?

Divorce Essential Reads

Divorcing When Pregnant or With an Infant

Why Parental Divorce Is a Trauma for Children of All Ages

This is about remembering who you are, separate from your soon-to-be-ex. It's remembering the person you want to become.

You Will Get Through This.

You will have hard days sometimes, but you will get through this. There’s no quick and easy path. But divorce isn’t the end of your story. It is a bridge and a turning point with limitless possibilities and opportunities. As you move across this bridge, you will find yourself healing, becoming stronger day by day, and feeling more like yourself again.

So, if you’re asking, “What do I do now?”

• Start here with gentle self-compassion.
• Start small with steps to ground you each day.
• Start with your breath, knowing that healing is already underway.

Wherever you are in your journey, know this: You’ve already taken the first step by asking, “What do I do now?” That, in itself, is a powerful step toward recovery.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2025