Are You Asking, 'What Did I Do Wrong to End Up Divorcing?'

Divorce is a life crisis and one of life’s most challenging transitions. It almost always comes with a flood of emotions, doubts, and questions. Among these, one of the most common and gut-wrenching is “What did I do wrong?” As a psychologist, I’ve heard this question countless times from my patients, and it’s one worth unpacking with care, empathy, and a focus on personal growth.

Why Does This Question Come Up?

Of course, when a marriage ends, it’s natural to reflect on what led to the separation. Our brains are wired to seek explanations, particularly for events that are experienced as negative or traumatic and that disrupt our sense of stability. Asking, “What did I do wrong?” is often a way of processing grief and trying to make sense of a complex and painful situation. While self-reflection can be a powerful tool for growth, it’s important to approach this question in a way that fosters healing rather than self-criticism.

The Dangers of Self-Blame

In my practice, I’ve seen how easily self-blame can emerge before one can soften into a place of self-reflection. You may fixate on specific actions, replaying moments where you feel you “failed” your partner or your relationship. Jason asked me, “Was it because I didn’t want to convert to my wife’s religion?” Amy asked, “I know I have a temper; should I have worked harder to keep my feelings to myself?” Mel asked, “Is it because I gained weight?” Second-guessing your decisions and actions with “20/20 hindsight” may not be productive if you are focused on self-blame. This kind of thinking can lead to the following:

• Eroded self-esteem: Constantly focusing on perceived faults can leave you feeling unworthy or broken.
• Paralysis in personal growth: When blame overshadows reflection, it becomes harder to move forward.
• Distorted perspectives: Relationships rarely end because of one person’s actions alone. Viewing yourself as solely responsible ignores the shared dynamics of a marriage.

A Healthier Way to Reflect

The key to addressing this question is to shift the focus from blame to learning what you can take away into your future life and relationships. Here’s how:

1. Acknowledge your feelings, but feelings are not facts.

It’s OK to feel sad, angry, or even guilty. These emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to sit with them, but remind yourself that feelings are not facts. For example, I responded to Mel with “Just because you think it, doesn’t make it true.” Mel may never know whether her weight gain drove her husband to divorce, but she needs to understand that divorce is much more complicated than that single issue.

2. Recognize shared responsibility.

Relationships are a two-way street. While it’s valuable to examine your actions, it’s equally important to recognize that your partner brought their own patterns, choices, and challenges into the marriage. Many of my clients sought marriage counseling, and many others did not. But nearly all can consider some of the contributing elements from their spouses. For example, Jason began to understand that his decision to convert or not was a decision that his wife could not control. “If I had converted, she might have still had complaints about me or my spiritual beliefs.”

3. Ask yourself constructive questions.

In the early months of divorce, you are probably overwhelmed with many mixed emotions. After some time, and when you feel more grounded in the reality of the divorce, you can begin to shift from self-blame to self-reflection. Instead of framing your reflection around “What did I do wrong?” try asking yourself these questions:

• “What did I learn about myself in this relationship?”
• “What would I like to do differently in future relationships?”
• “What strengths did I bring to this marriage?”

4. Seek insight, not perfection.

Humans are imperfect. No one is a perfect partner. Mistakes are part of every relationship. Use this time to identify patterns that you’d like to change, but also to appreciate the ways you showed up and tried your best. Amy struggled to come to terms with how to express her anger. She soon understood that her feelings were often justified but that she needed to learn new ways to express them, without bottling them inside herself. Amy committed to a few months of therapy to learn some new anger management skills.

The Role of Therapy in Post-Divorce Reflection

Slef-blame can be self-destructive. Moving to self-reflection can feel overwhelming, especially when emotions are raw. A therapist can provide a safe space to express and explore your feelings, challenge unhelpful thought patterns, and guide you toward constructive growth. Therapy is never about assigning blame; it’s about understanding yourself more deeply and learning how to build healthier relationships in the future.

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Moving Forward With Self-Compassion

Asking “What did I do wrong?” is a natural part of processing the end of a marriage, but it’s not the whole story. Instead of dwelling on a critical self-examination of your faults, aim to approach this question with curiosity and kindness. Divorce, while painful, can be an opportunity to grow, heal, and rediscover yourself. By shifting your story from self-criticism to self-compassion, you’ll be better equipped to move forward into a new chapter of your life with resilience and hope.

If you’re navigating these emotions, know that you’re not alone. There’s support available, and every step you take toward understanding yourself is a step toward healing.

© Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. 2025