Why Grandiose Narcissists Rarely Listen or Learn

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Grandiose narcissists live in a fantasy world of their own creation, with themselves as the (fantasy) heroes who are the only ones who can save others from the endless (fantasy) crises they see all around, and who will vanquish the many (fantasy) villains who are causing these crises. Their mission in the world is to be superior to everyone else, so they usually tell others how to think and what to do. Because they are grandiose, they view their own thoughts and feelings as automatically extraordinary and impose these thoughts and feelings onto people around them. In their view, if it came from their own brain, it must be brilliant. There is no need for any research or advice.

Grandiose vs. Vulnerable Narcissists

Mental health professionals and researchers generally consider narcissists to fall into one of two types—vulnerable narcissists or grandiose narcissists—although some have qualities of both.

According to researchers (Weinberg et al, 2022):

“Compared with the general population, people with grandiose narcissism appear as bold and charming, although they are more disagreeable, engage in more social comparison, feel more envy, are more extraverted, more likely to pursue status, and have higher reported self-esteem. People with vulnerable narcissism are more introverted, anxious, and avoidant, but they are disagreeable and less conscientious, and they report more anger, shame, and depression, as well as higher hostility and/or aggression and lower self-esteem, trust, and relationship satisfaction. Both manifestations are characterized by entitlement—a belief that one is deserving of special benefits and attention.”

Grandiose narcissists tend to fit the first of nine criteria for narcissists contained in the DSM-5-TR, the diagnostic manual for mental health professionals (American Psychiatric Association, 2022): "Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).”

From a grandiose narcissist's perspective, expecting them to pay attention, listen, or learn from you is generally considered an insult. They already know everything.

Grandiose Narcissists Seek Power

Narcissists constantly and energetically seek reinforcement of their superiority and importance. This underlies much of their behavior and interpersonal relationships.

To accomplish this, they need to have others around them who are "inferior" (in the narcissist’s mind) to point to and insult, thereby "elevating" themselves in the eyes of others (they think)—although these efforts often look absurd to the outsider. The energy they have for this appears to come from their underlying fear of inferiority and exposure.

Vulnerable narcissists have a core sense of shame and are very susceptible to “narcissistic injuries” (exposure of their ordinariness or weaknesses, which everyone has). They aggressively try to cover up these injuries with anger and reactivity (hot anger).

On the other hand, grandiose narcissists are less vulnerable and more arrogant, and they may rely on power and social status to put down or humiliate their critics (cold anger). If someone points out their weaknesses and tries to give them feedback and suggestions, rather than giving them insight, this may trigger a powerful drive to destroy the critic to regain a sense of equilibrium without looking angry. The lack of empathy is especially strong with grandiose narcissists. Grandiose narcissists are to be admired, not criticized.

Grandiose Narcissists See Relationships as Tools

These dynamics make it difficult to be in a relationship with a grandiose narcissist, unless one is willing to sacrifice their own sense of confidence and well-being. However, because they are bold, charming, and confident, relationship partners and business partners are often seduced into an ongoing relationship with them. However, grandiose narcissists are also preoccupied with "social comparison" and experience a lot of envy.

"If others have the potential to advance the narcissist in some way, they will be idealized and pursued. If others are perceived as ordinary or inferior, they will be dismissed, or perhaps exploited for some gain, then discarded. As one narcissistic patient stated, ‘Very few people are worth my time. The rest bore me.'" (Beck et al, 2004)

Grandiose Narcissists Strive to Be Leaders

Many grandiose narcissists pursue status in business or politics. However, their decision-making often ruins them. Said researchers in one study (O'Reilly, 2021): “We show that grandiose narcissists' overconfidence, impulsivity, and willingness to ignore expert advice result in a higher likelihood of making a bad decision. In addition, after getting the wrong answer, grandiose narcissists are more likely to blame others and remain self-confident in their judgment.”

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This may help explain why so many grandiose narcissists in politics rise quickly. Their boldness, charm, and confidence are misread as signs of competence and knowledge; then, they fall when their inability to listen and learn is exposed, often following disasters of their own making. For many, this is just a matter of time, and the ability of those around them to cover up their mistakes before this exposure occurs. In business, boards of directors are able to act more quickly when their leaders’ mistakes are realized. In politics, it often takes waiting for the next election, unless recall elections are pursued.

Conclusion

Whether in relationships, at work, in business, or in politics, recognizing the signs of a grandiose narcissist can help people avoid taking their words and behavior personally and also avoid possible disasters. Ideally, people will get better at screening for grandiose narcissists before getting deeply into relationships with them. Learning to get a history will be more useful than allowing oneself to be swayed by boldness, charm, and confidence.