Making Promises We Can Keep, Even in Uncertain Times

It’s the new year—when we dare to make our resolutions, set our intentions, and declare our affirmations. We’re blasting out of 2021, determined to do our best, despite Omicron, inflation, supply chain delays, staff shortages, and ever-widening political and socio-economic divisions. We’ve survived more than our share of curveballs, delays, cancellations, no-shows, and COVID-related impacts on our commitments. Forbes Advisor says American consumers “are feeling topsy turvy as 2021 draws to a close.” Despite these uncertain roller coaster times, we strive to keep our word to others as well as ourselves.

The last thing we want is to let people down even if others have disappointed us. We may have endured callous acts of flaky and noncommittal behavior, such as friends bailing at the last minute, being ghosted after a date, strung along (breadcrumbed) by an employer, or left in the dust by our peers. And admittedly—sometimes through no fault of our own—we ourselves may have been forced into chaotic, last-minute decisions that left others hanging in messy, unpredictable situations.

Americans are Having a Tough Time Making Major Decisions

In fluid and fast-changing times, making solid plans, promises, commitments—let alone making decisions—can feel paralyzing, overwhelming, or downright frustrating. The American Psychological Association recently reported how difficult it is for many of us to make decisions, especially parents of young children and younger adults. In a survey of 3,035 adults, results showed how the pandemic is having a profound effect on our confidence in planning ahead. Forty-nine percent said it made “planning for the future feel impossible.” “As each day can bring a new set of decisions about safety, security, growth, travel, work, and other life requirements, people in the U.S. seem to be wracked with uncertainty.”

Another recent survey by Associated Press with a NORC MTV poll reports that Americans aged 13-56 think the pandemic has “made their lives harder for pursuing their goals.” Gen Z, at 46 percent, reported the highest levels of disruption to their education, career, and dating lives.

Given how difficult decision-making can be in these unpredictable times, it’s understandable that struggling to make commitments, promises, and resolutions can make us feel ashamed, avoidant, or even more isolated. Hopefully, we can be compassionate and patient with ourselves and others as we bravely commit to a single goal.

Making Promises that Are Keepable: The Language of Commitment

Any of us in the throes of responding to the needs of others can make generous but unrealistic promises. Our plans can quickly backfire when we find ourselves overextended, scrambling to recover from awkward complications.

Fortunately, there are tried-and-tested practices for making realistic plans with others as well as ourselves. Even one small act of keeping a single promise is reassuring during unpredictable times. If we think about the reliable people in our lives, we’ve witnessed how they avoid overpromising by offering what they can honestly deliver. They keep their word because they know how to use their words to clearly tell us what they can do.

We’re able to keep our word if we avoid vague language. Indeed, vague promises lead to empty promises and disappointments. The language of a solid commitment comes down to choosing words that guide us rather than leave us hanging. How we phrase our intentions can make all the difference between a scary, daunting task or a friendly, simple step. And—better, still—using clear language makes it easier for others to understand us.

For twenty years, as a rehabilitation consultant facilitating support groups for caregivers and people living with cancer, I’ve heard the good, the bad, and the regrettable about making and keeping commitments. Boiling down the practical wisdom from these group participants, combined with evidence-based practices in communicating with people in crisis, I’d like to offer five ways to make solid, keepable promises in turbulent times.

5 Essentials of a Making a Solid Commitment

1. Keep it specific and tangible.

Avoid overpromising by keeping your offer specific and concrete. People in uncertain situations appreciate sure bets—specific and tangible actions that they can count on.

Too Vague: “Call me if you need me.” vs. Specific: “Monday night is good for me—could I call then?”

Too Vague: “Just reach out anytime.” vs. Specific: “My best times for talking are usually after 7pm.”

2. Keep it simple, in small steps, and time-limited.

Offer what is easy to remember and can be achieved in a few small steps, without getting too far ahead of yourself.

Not So Simple, Less Clear: “I’ll get back to you.” vs. Simple, Clear: “I can touch base in two weeks to see where things are.”

Not So Simple, Less Clear: “Let’s meet for coffee sometime.” vs. Simple, Clear: “I’m free this Friday afternoon if you’d like to join me.”

Not So Simple, Less Clear: “I’ll be there all through your chemo.” vs. Simple, Clear: “For this month at least, I can go with you on Mondays.”

3. Keep it sincere—being honest with yourself.

This means doing a realistic self-assessment of what you can and cannot do, including a fair look at the logistics that might get in the way of your health, finances, job, or other responsibilities. You may need to say no even if you deeply care and want to help.

Sincere and Realistic:

“To be honest, I just can’t afford the gas these days, so I can’t commute that far.”

“I’d like to wait and talk after dinner when I’m not so distracted.”

“I can certainly do the laundry on Sundays, but on weekdays I’m too tired.”

Not So Realistic:

“I’d do anything for you.”

“I’ll never let you down.”

“Let’s talk about it while I cook dinner (or check my email, return my texts, feed the cat, tuck the kids in bed… AKA multitasking…)"

4. Keep it proactive—well-thought-out, not just a knee-jerk reaction.

Even in unpredictable times when we’re pressed to make decisions and take action, we still have the power to think carefully. This requires our focus by stepping out of multitasking to give the decision our full attention and best judgment. Of course, we can overthink it, but essentially, “going there” with our imagination to view scenarios of various outcomes or reviewing a pros and cons list can help us visualize “what we’re getting into.”

Proactive, Thinking First:

“I know I can help in some way, but this is too important to rush into action right now.”

“I’ll call you in the morning with some ideas after I give this some thought.”

Reactive:

“No problem; I’ll make it happen.”

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

5. Keep checking in regularly.

In fluid, fast-changing situations, checking in at regular intervals can prevent misunderstandings, mistakes, and letdowns.

The least we can do, in uncertain times, is not to leave people hanging. We don’t need to fall into the callousness of “no news means no need to get back to you.” People who are waiting for an answer or holding off their plans for important decisions all deserve to be kept updated. And most importantly, dedicated people need the appreciation and respect of being kept in touch.

Above all, we can always keep in touch, even if we cannot keep a commitment.

No matter how awkward, messy, or inconvenient it may be, we can avoid leaving people hanging indefinitely, especially in uncertain times. As the American Psychological Association study (October 26, 2021) I mentioned earlier shows us: “… the majority of adults (59 percent) have experienced behavior changes as a result of stress in the last month. Most commonly, the changes had been avoiding social situations (24 percent), altering eating habits (23 percent), procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities (22 percent), or altering physical activity levels (22 percent).”

This study confirms how so many of us are barely able to hold on to our commitments, feeling despondent, frustrated, and anxious. But we can at least offer our encouragement to one another by checking in regularly, especially when we cannot keep our promises.

This is why keeping in touch matters more than anything else. People feel invisible when we leave them hanging. Checking in regularly is the one thing we can always do, no matter how noncommittal or uncertain the world may be.