Verified by How to Talk About Suicidal Thoughts
Suicidal thoughts—either your own or someone else’s—are no doubt an enormously difficult topic of conversation. Widespread discomfort around the subject of suicide often stems, in large part, from cultural norms: Taking one's own life is taboo in many cultures and religions and is even considered shameful by some. It's also deeply emotionally painful to consider suicide (or to fear that your loved one is considering it), and many people are terrified to bridge the subject because they don't want those difficult emotions brought to light.
As a result of such societal and internal pressures—combined with many people's discomfort at discussing mental health in general—the majority of people feel hesitant to talk about suicide or may even be deeply uncomfortable or anxious at the thought. Those who are experiencing suicidal thoughts may also keep quiet out of fear of burdening their loved ones.
But silence only perpetuates the stigma surrounding suicide and pushes those experiencing such thoughts into further isolation. Despite its challenges, being willing to bridge the subject of suicidal thoughts could help someone at risk get much-needed help and start their journey toward emotional recovery. Whatever side of the conversation you're on, it's always best to reach out; it may even save a life.
For immediate help in the U.S., 24/7: Call 988 or go to 988lifeline.org. Outside of the U.S., visit the International Resources page for suicide hotlines in your country. To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
How to Ask Someone About Suicidal Thoughts
Anyone who suspects that a close other is thinking of suicide should talk to them about it—but of course, that's far easier said than done. Initiating a conversation about someone else's suicidal thoughts can seem like an impossibly challenging undertaking, and it's normal to feel anxious or apprehensive at the thought. But talking about suicidal thoughts openly and honestly is one of the most powerful weapons in the fight against them, and knowing that they have others' support and understanding can help someone struggling with thoughts of suicide far more than their loved one might imagine. Decades of research about suicide and social support make one thing clear: When in doubt, reach out.
It can no doubt be daunting to ask a loved one if they’re experiencing suicidal thoughts. But doing so could help save their life and will, at the very least, let them know you care. It’s important to remember that there is no exact “right” thing to say, and an imperfect conversation is far better than no conversation at all.
Many people find it helpful to start by simply pointing out warning signs that they have observed—a loved one withdrawing from daily activities, for instance, or sudden changes in mood—rather than asking about suicide right off the bat. This can open the door to a larger conversation and help both parties feel more at ease. But once the conversation is underway, experts believe that there’s no harm in asking directly if they’ve thought about hurting themselves.
If they say they’ve been thinking about suicide or self-harm, make an effort to listen empathetically and without judgment. Let them know that you’re there for them, that they are not alone, and that help is available. Having resources on hand during the conversation—such as the numbers of suicide hotlines, or a plan for seeking mental healthcare—can be immensely valuable, as many people who are thinking of suicide feel overwhelmed and may not know where to turn.
Regardless of what next steps are taken, it’s important to check back in with your loved one later on, experts say. Suicidal ideation can come and go quickly and with little warning; those struggling with it benefit enormously from knowing that a loved one is aware of their struggles and is available for help when they need it.
If your friend, family member, partner, or other loved one admits that they are having thoughts of hurting themselves, experts emphasize that it’s best not to act shocked or horrified; this will likely only create distance and may make your loved one feel judged.
And though it may be tempting to jump straight to problem-solving, it’s important, first and foremost, to listen empathetically and without judgment. Ask why they’re feeling this way, and make an effort to validate their feelings. Even saying, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling so hopeless—it must be horrible” can go a long way toward helping someone feel heard and understood.
Conversely, saying that they “have no reason” to feel the way they do—or attempting to make them feel guilty for the pain their suicide would cause you or others—will only be counterproductive. It’s very likely that the individual already feels ashamed for experiencing suicidal thoughts in the first place; arguing or guilt-tripping can exacerbate such feelings of despair.
After listening to and validating your loved one’s feelings, it’s critical to connect him or her to additional resources whenever possible. Suicide hotlines (such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, or hotlines in other countries) are an accessible place to start—they’re free, confidential, and can connect the individual to resources in their area.
Helping a loved one access long-term mental healthcare may be the next step in many cases. Since the prospect of finding a therapist can be overwhelming, it can be helpful to offer assistance. Using an online therapy directory, compile a list of therapists who accept your loved one’s insurance and are in their area. You can even make calls on your loved one’s behalf, or go with them to their first appointment for moral support.
For more on helping a loved one seek therapy, visit the Therapy Center.
Feeling anxious, embarrassed, or uncomfortable at the prospect of asking someone about suicidal ideation is very normal. But it’s important to not let those emotions get in the way of reaching out to someone in need.
Planning out some talking points beforehand (writing down a few troubling behaviors or warning signs that you’ve observed, for instance, or identifying some resources in your area that could provide further assistance) could help you feel more in control of the situation and may lessen anxiety. Doing research on how to best help someone in need can further help you formulate a plan and feel empowered to initiate a potentially difficult conversation. (For those unsure what to say or what to expect, this resource from the Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good place to start).
And in the end, it can be helpful to remember that suicide almost always makes for challenging conversation, and strong emotions are nothing to be ashamed of. Making an effort to accept such emotions, rather than attempting to repress them, can help you cope and may lead to a more honest and empathetic conversation.
You don’t need to be a trained psychologist to start a conversation about suicide. Basic research—most of which can be done online—can go a long way. Learning about common warning signs, risk factors, and where you can turn for further help, for example, can assist you in making sense of what your loved one may be going through and will allow you to emotionally prepare for the discussion.
It’s also important to remember that you don’t need to say the “perfect” thing, and you won’t be able to solve your loved one’s problems in a single conversation. Reaching out, however you’re able, will help your loved one feel understood, even if it’s likely only the first step in a longer mental health journey.
Not at all. The idea that asking someone about suicide will “put the idea in their head” is a long-standing societal myth. In fact, a vast body of literature shows that open conversations about suicide are unlikely to increase suicidal ideation. They do, however, have the power to decrease it, especially when they’re navigated with empathy and coupled with additional mental health support.
Sharing Suicidal Thoughts with Others
Many people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts suffer in silence, worrying that they'll be seen as a "burden" or a "drama queen" if they share their suicidal thoughts with others. But such worries are, in many cases, far from true—in fact, the vast majority of people struggling with suicidal thoughts have friends, family members, and other loved ones who would be willing and able to help, if given the chance. It may be, and often is, hard to reach out for help. But no one struggling with suicidal thoughts is alone, and help is always available to those who ask for it.
Sharing suicidal thoughts with others can be frightening. But doing so isn’t only an act of great courage; it can also be a valuable first step toward getting help and restoring your well-being.
Though it can be difficult, it can be helpful to be as direct as possible. Sit your loved one down and tell them that you’ve been struggling with difficult feelings—such as depression, hopelessness, or worthlessness—and/or are thinking about hurting yourself, and you’d appreciate their help and support. They may become emotional or respond with shock; this is normal, and preparing yourself ahead of time for their possible reaction can help you maintain composure and continue the conversation.
Ask for what you need. If you would like help in finding a therapist, ask; if you just want someone to be there for you, let them know that it would be most helpful for them to listen to your challenges and offer emotional support. Though it may be tempting, don’t ask them to keep the thoughts a secret. Your loved one cares about you and may need to let someone else know that you need help; even if this can be frustrating, keep in mind that they’re doing so with your best interests at heart.
It can be valuable to take some time to prepare for the conversation beforehand; this can help soothe anxiety or guilt, and may allow you to be more proactive in asking for the help you need. But if you can easily access lethal means or find that your thoughts are becoming persistent, seek help right away. If you’re uncomfortable or unable to talk to a loved one, calling a suicide prevention hotline is free, confidential, and can provide emotional support and concrete assistance for getting additional help.
No one can force anyone to share their suicidal thoughts with others. But many people who reach out to a loved one for help find the experience to be worthwhile. Struggling with suicidal thoughts is, in itself, incredibly isolating; social connection, by contrast, can be a powerful source of comfort and relief.
It’s true that sharing your suicidal thoughts with others may lead them to worry—just as you would likely worry if they shared the same thoughts with you. Worry doesn’t mean you’re a burden; it just means that your loved one cares about you and wants you to be well.
While it’s best to share suicidal thoughts regardless of your loved one’s penchant for worry, remember that you’re in control of what you share and how you share it. If you’re worried about how your loved one will respond, it can be helpful to have a conversation over the phone or via email, rather than face to face. This can allow you to share your thoughts and what you need without focusing excessively on how the other person is responding emotionally.
Sadly, some people will not respond well when they learn that someone in their life is experiencing suicidal thoughts or behaviors. If you don’t feel safe talking to family members, reach out to a friend. If that’s not possible, a trusted community member—such as a teacher or pastor—may be able to provide emotional support and connect you with resources.
And regardless of your situation, suicide hotlines are available 24/7 and are free, confidential, and effective. In the U.S., to connect with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, call 1-800-273-8255. If you are unable to make a phone call, you can also text “HOME” to 741741 to connect with the Crisis Text Line. Those outside the U.S. can search for local resources on the Suicide Hotlines and Prevention Resources page.
