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Emotional Infidelity
When a person in a committed relationship forms a deep emotional connection with a third party, they are engaging in an emotional affair. This connection does not involve sexual contact or any type of physical intimacy, this is an emotional relationship, whereby two people share their emotions, thoughts, and support with each other. Elements of emotional infidelity include an emotional connection with a third party that may surpass that of the primary committed relationship, a certain amount of secrecy and deception, and an emotional investment in the affair.
The realization of an emotional affair can elicit shock, sadness, anger, and a feeling of deep betrayal. The breakdown of trust between two people can lead to a loss of confidence in the relationship, doubts about honesty, and the question of whether the primary relationship is still viable. It is important to note that many couples are able to move beyond emotional infidelity, often strengthening their own connection in the process.
The motivations for emotional infidelity vary. Some people may look elsewhere for support because of a breakdown in communication, loneliness, the need for validation, boredom, and even escape.
A person can feel loneliness and isolation even when they are in a relationship. If a person feels their emotional needs are not being met in their primary relationship, they may drift to a third party to find inner connection and reassurance. They seek empathy, affection, respect, and companionship. If a person feels unfulfilled in their primary relationship, an emotional affair can seemingly fill that need.
Everyone wants to feel seen and heard. But if a person feels overlooked and under-appreciated, they may seek validation and care from another person. In an emotional affair, the unappreciated person searches for feelings of worth, as well as confirmation of how important they are.
A person can feel little to no autonomy in a relationship; turning to an emotional affair may be one way to rectify this. Looking elsewhere for empowerment may be a result of a controlling or disrespectful partner. A sense of self is necessary for a fulfilled relationship and for life, in general.
Men are often more distressed about physical intimacy, while women tend to be more distressed about emotional intimacy. Men see a sexual affair as the ultimate betrayal, and women see an emotional affair as a paramount wrong. Men and women may also define emotional cheating differently.
According to the Journal of Sex Research, thoughts as well as overall rates of infidelity increase at about year seven in a relationship. This effect applies to both men and women. However, men are more susceptible as the duration of the marriage increases, while women are less so.
To repair the harm, both partners can learn to set aside defensiveness and blame, and instead nurture compassion and empathy. Reconciliation is feasible when both people take responsibility for the healing process.
Repairing a relationship does take time, though there may be lingering feelings of harm. While the relationship may feel different, this does not mean it can’t be a positive one with the security and stability any union deserves.
Reconnection and trust are possible. Partners in a committed relationship must keep communication open and honest; expressing feelings and personal perspectives may be difficult, but it can be done.
Once there is a breach of trust, the betrayed may be hyper-vigilant about future deception. This worry may well be an underlying concern that impedes potential forgiveness and the mending of wounds. However, many couples find that they can work through the issues that gave rise to one partner's emotional infidelity by focusing on open communication and, for many, physical intimacy.
Setting boundaries can be useful. Some people have different ideas about what constitutes an affair. Drawing a clear line of what is appropriate and acceptable behavior may be required. There is no clear-cut directive as to whether or not to cease all contact with the third party, this will depend on the extent of the connection. The most important focus should be on strengthening the relationship in the wake of the emotional breach.
Forgiveness does not mean the aggrieved partner must condone the infidelity. To move forward as a couple, letting go of the past is essential. However, forgiveness can be tough when there is an urge to hold onto resentment and blame.
If a couple wishes to work on their relationship, counseling can help them rebuild trust and honesty through communication and understanding. A trained therapist will help each partner develop strategies so that both parties feel heard and validated.
