How to Heal a Family Split

By Hara Estroff Marano

As coping strategies go, cut-offs leave a lot to be desired. Quite literally. They don’t solve problems. There’s no growth. And, leaving open wounds, they are always painful to at least one party and usually to all.

Yet, they are increasingly accepted by a younger generation as a way of handling what seems to be a broadening array of dissatisfactions. Well beyond abuse and direct harm, young adults cite unmet emotional needs, violated boundaries, lack of emotional support, and more.

The very amorphousness of causes is telling, suggesting that there may well be contributing factors in the air we all breathe, beyond the family life of individuals but attributed to that house because of its familiarity, because of expectations about life preparedness, and because that is where generations have been taught to find the sources of their discontent.

What if the emotional distress, sense of disconnection, lack of support, feelings of emptiness, and difficulties forming a coherent sense of self that young people are experiencing are all very real—but often have their true origins outside the home? “There is just so much change in our environment that we often don’t have a clear idea of what might be giving rise to the distress we feel,” says University of Virginia sociologist Joseph Davis. “A way of life has gone missing that was never there for young people.”

What’s disappeared, he observes, are more or less specified roles and responsibilities of adults against which you could measure your conduct in some way. What’s replaced them are individualized norms in which the imperative is to optimize yourself to be all you can be.

“There’s an expectation of being exceptional if you just do the right thing. And young people feel the burden of explaining why that isn’t happening. College students tell me that being normal is a failure: ‘I should be extraordinary.’ That feeling of Why aren’t I more than I am? contributes to a sense of injury and of thinking, My parents didn’t do something for me that they should have done.”

In addition, Davis sees the thinning out of adult social life as putting another burden on young people that they should not have to assume. In a survey he conducted of 2,000 parents, 71 percent said they expected to be best friends with their grown children. “I wonder,” says Davis, “how much of estrangement is push-back against that.”

Whatever the forces of alienation, estrangement is rarely a remedy. Three PT contributors working on the front lines of the parent-child battleground have some insight into what can mitigate the pain for all those involved.

PART 1

There Is No “Perfect” Family

Family relationships have always been marked by periods of distance and estrangement. But estrangement never brings peace of mind.

By Lucy Blake, Ph.D.

We often assume that parent-child relationships are lifelong and emotionally close. Yet, in reality, many families experience periods of emotional distance and little contact.

A number of robust studies in which researchers have analyzed data from large samples that mirror the broader population document how common family estrangement is. In Germany, one study found that 20 percent of adults reported being estranged from their father and 9 percent from their mother. In the U.S., 26 percent of adults reported estrangement from their father and 6 percent from their mother in a 2023 study.

Notably, the U.S. study also found that most estranged adult children eventually reconnected: 81 percent with their mothers and 69 percent with their fathers. The data suggest that estrangement is often temporary rather than permanent.

Studies conducted in such diverse regions as the U.S., Europe, and China have explored parent-child relationships in terms of emotional closeness, frequency of conflict, patterns of communication and contact, geographical proximity, and the exchange of practical, financial, or emotional support. One consistent finding stands out: There is no single “normal” or typical parent–child relationship in adulthood.

However many images of perfection may dance across our screens, lifelong closeness and regular contact are neither the default nor the norm. Many parents and adult children experience periods of little contact and periods of greater closeness. You may be fortunate to have a supportive family relationship, but you cannot assume that’s true for everyone.

Outsiders rarely know the full story of someone else’s family dynamics. What we often witness is the performance of family—curated moments shared at holidays, on social media, or in public spaces. Such performances can mask deep fractures, unresolved pain, or ongoing harm. Families may appear close and functional from the outside while privately experiencing conflict, coercion, or silence.

Instead, researchers identify a spectrum of relationship types, ranging from, in their own terms, “tight-knit” to “detached,” with “sociable,” “intimate but distant,” and “obligatory” falling in between. Relationships between parents and adult children that are low in both contact and closeness are one pattern among many—and no study has concluded that it is becoming more common.

Although cut-offs between parents and adult children are often portrayed as a new phenomenon, family therapists have chronicled estrangement in their clients’ lives since the beginning, starting perhaps most notably with pioneering psychiatrist Murray Bowen in the 1960s. What likely has changed is how openly people talk about estrangement, with individuals feeling more comfortable today discussing what was once, and still often is, a source of shame.

Seeing estrangement in families on the global stage, such as the British royal family, may make people feel less alone in their own experience. Nevertheless, public narratives of estrangement often adopt a judgmental tone—casting millennials as self-absorbed snowflakes who cut off their parents on a whim and their parents, largely boomers, as emotionally rigid and resistant to change. The evidence, however, shows that no matter how common family cut-offs are, they are always highly painful for all those involved and rarely the result of a quick decision.

What I have observed in my own research is that estrangement rarely brings peace to people. It is always present in mind. Those who are estranged are constantly monitoring where they are in relation to each other.

Further, the pain of cut-offs is rarely localized to one relationship. Estrangement often has a ripple effect. When a parent–child relationship breaks down, it can affect sibling relationships, extended family ties, and broader family dynamics.

What Parents Say vs. What Adult Children Say

From a handful of studies in the UK, U.S., and Australia, researchers have captured a snapshot of the lived experience of estrangement.

Adult children often attribute estrangement from their parents to:

• Parental abuse and neglect in the past and/or present.
• Authoritarian parenting in the past and/or present, marked by harsh criticism, many demands, and emotional volatility.
• Conditional parental affection, with parents showing love only when the children meet expectations.
• Parental rejection of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Parents, for their part, commonly attribute estrangement to:

• The child’s choosing to maintain a relationship with the parent’s ex (the child’s other parent) or the ex’s newer partner over and above maintaining a relationship with them. Some parents feel that their children were manipulated or pressured into making such choices by the other parent or that parent’s partner.
• A child’s mental health problem—anxiety, depression, personality disorder—or substance abuse problem.
• Disparate values and behaviors, such as differences in parenting styles, cleanliness, politics, or religion, leading to strained interactions in which parents feel they have to “walk on eggshells” to avoid conflict.
• The child’s punishing them for perceived past wrongs, such as not providing financial support, leaving the family due to domestic violence, or being emotionally unavailable during childhood.

It might appear that parents attribute estrangement to the relationships that children have with their exes or their exes’ spouse, while children attribute estrangement to their parents’ treatment of them. But that’s too simplistic a conclusion. The studies rely on volunteer samples, which likely come from those who are in the most pain and are primarily white women. None of the adult children and parents included are from the same family. No studies to date have examined the perspectives of parents and their own children, making it impossible to know for sure whether interpretations of estrangement differ or align between generations of a family.

Beyond the Individuals

Many additional factors contribute to estrangement between parents and children. Family structure plays a role. Estrangement is more common in families in which parents have divorced or a parent has died. Children are more likely to be estranged from one parent if they are already distant from another parental figure, demonstrating that family relationships are deeply interconnected.

What’s more, a mother’s difficult childhood can affect her relationship with her own children later in life. One large U.S. study found that mothers who had more adverse childhood experiences—being emotionally neglected or physically abused, growing up in a troubled home—are much more likely to have distant or estranged relationships with their adult children. In fact, children whose mothers had four or more adverse childhood experiences were more than four times more likely to be estranged from them. Early trauma may make it harder for mothers to manage emotions, build trust, and parent in healthy ways, which can affect the quality of their relationship with their children even decades later.

Cultural tensions can also strain family dynamics. Families in which closeness depends on sameness may not tolerate a member’s differing lifestyle or political views, making estrangement more likely, a way for an individual to maintain their sense of self.

Whatever begets a cut-off, healing occurs when estrangement is no longer a central preoccupation.

Lucy Blake, Ph.D., is a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England.

PART 2

What Does It Take to Reconcile?

The 21st century has brought a new view of family. Parents must at least recognize it if they want to see their kids again.

By Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.

Few experiences cut as deeply for parents as estrangement from an adult child. Most describe feeling lost, depressed, scared, and angry. In my clinical work, one question comes up again and again: What will it take for my child to speak to me again?

A New Model of Family

Today’s parents face a new reality. Parent–adult child relationships now operate under what British sociologist Anthony Giddens calls “pure relationships”: bonds sustained only if they align with an individual’s ideals of happiness, growth, and—more than ever—mental health.

In past generations, ties were maintained through cultural frameworks such as honoring parents, respecting elders, and prioritizing family unity. Today, nothing compels an adult child to stay connected beyond their own desire to be in a relationship with that parent or family member.

This relational shift means parents must cultivate a greater degree of psychological awareness and communication skill than that required of prior generations of parents.

Surmounting Obstacles to Repair

It also means that repair of a rupture requires understanding how today’s culture defines harm. Many parents grew up in homes where feelings were rarely discussed and obedience was prized. By contrast, today’s adult children interpret their childhoods through the lens of therapy culture, trauma awareness, and broader definitions of neglect and abuse.

Parents don’t have to agree with every interpretation, but they do need to show that they can see the world through their child’s eyes. A parent who says, “I realize I had blind spots, and I can see how my behavior felt harmful to you” is far more likely to make progress than one who insists their child is exaggerating or misremembering.

Another often-overlooked obstacle is the role of therapy. Many adult children have been in therapy and may have received either guidance toward estrangement or a diagnosis of the parent. Ideally, therapists help clients process ambivalence and stay curious about the possibility of repair.

Too often, however, therapists act as what sociologist Alison Pugh calls “detachment brokers”—professionals who validate reducing guilt or obligation, sometimes framing no contact as the only path to healing. While full cut-off can be necessary in unsafe situations, the broader trend risks encouraging estrangement without fully considering the long-term consequences for the child, the grandchildren, or the wider family system.

The Power of an Amends Letter

One of the most effective tools for parents seeking reconciliation is what I call a Letter of Amends. It is not a casual apology. It is a structured effort to see the estrangement through the child’s eyes.

Parents naturally want to defend themselves or explain context. But an amends letter sends a different message: that you have listened to your child’s experience, are willing to take responsibility where they felt hurt, and are committed to repair even if you don’t agree with every detail.

Done well, an amends letter lowers the emotional temperature. It signals humility instead of defensiveness, engagement instead of withdrawal, and a willingness to meet your child where their injury still lives.

Moving Toward Reconciliation

Reconciliation is not a single conversation but an ongoing process. Even after an amends letter, trust must be rebuilt gradually. It is important to lead with curiosity, not correction. Ask what your child needs now, rather than debate the past.

Muster the ability to tolerate asymmetry. Early on, your child may not be equally invested in repair. Parents who accept the imbalance—without demanding fairness—keep the door open. And allow for slow pacing. Reconnection often begins with small steps: a text message, a short visit, a photo of a grandchild. Resolution is less about winning arguments and more about sustaining engagement until a new relationship has space to emerge.

Fathers struggle more than mothers. Although estrangement affects both parents, fathers are more likely to become estranged and less likely to reconcile, research shows. Several factors contribute, perhaps none more than divorce and custody. Fathers often became peripheral after divorce or non-marital births, particularly without primary custody. They also recouple more quickly and tend to defer to a new wife’s preferences for how they spend their time.

In addition, men are less socialized to verbalize regret, empathy, or vulnerability—the very qualities reconciliation, and particularly an amends letter, requires. Even in intact families, mothers often serve as the emotional hub, maintaining communication and smoothing conflicts. But fathers suffer significantly—often invisibly—from estrangement. Mothers may lean on friends or therapists; fathers often grieve in silence.

In my work, four barriers to reconnection recur again and again. Parental defensiveness is the big one; arguing every accusation only pushes children further away. The shifting definition of harm is another obstacle: Parents feel blindsided and respond defensively when old behaviors are recast as traumatic.

Partners or peers can also act as barriers to change: Spouses, online communities, and friends can reinforce grievances and cement cut-offs. And not least, therapists who encourage detachment may act as gatekeepers against repair.

A Way Forward

Despite the challenges, reconciliation is often possible. Parents who succeed typically do several important things. They adopt a long horizon. They understand that repair is a marathon, not a sprint. In addition, they express regret without qualification; they prioritize their child’s experience over defending context.

Parents are also more likely to succeed if they stay open but not intrusive. They send cards, express love, and show availability without demands, unless clearly asked not to. And not least, they do their own work. Parents who pursue therapy or practice new communication skills demonstrate genuine growth. As I often tell parents, making amends and showing behavioral change are the strongest evidence to your child that a new relationship is possible.

Estrangement is one of the most painful realities of modern family life. Resolution is neither guaranteed nor simple. But the requirements are clear: humility, patience, emotional flexibility, and a willingness to see the world through your child’s eyes, even when that view feels unfair.

For fathers especially, reconciliation may mean unlearning cultural scripts that prize stoicism over vulnerability. For all parents, it requires adopting a 21st-century framework of harm, resisting defensiveness, and showing through word and deed that reconciliation is possible.

Estrangement doesn’t erase love; it conceals it beneath layers of hurt and misunderstanding. Parents who chip away at those layers—slowly, consistently, and with genuine contrition—stand the best chance of restoring connection with the children they long for.

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay area.

PART 3

What Therapists Need to Know

The real suffering is often hidden, compounded by the ambiguity of the relationship loss.

By Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.

Family estrangement is far more common than most mental health professionals realize, affecting approximately 67 million Americans. For therapists, understanding this hidden epidemic is crucial, as estranged clients often arrive in therapy carrying emotional burdens that can be difficult to recognize and treat. Family estrangement represents one of the most challenging and underrecognized issues in contemporary mental health practice.

The Scope of a Hidden Problem

Unlike other family conflicts that therapists commonly encounter, estrangement involves a complete cessation of contact. It’s about family members who have declared they are done with one another. Estranged individuals feel deeply isolated, ashamed, and reluctant to discuss their situation even with close friends.

Estrangement cuts across all demographic lines. The only demographic factor consistently found is age: Middle-aged adults are more likely to be estranged simply because they have more living relatives with whom rifts might occur.

Most commonly affected are parent-child bonds (involving 10 percent of families) and sibling relationships (affecting 8 percent of adults). However, estrangement extends throughout the family system: grandparents cut off from grandchildren, cousins who never meet, and extended family networks torn in two.

The Emotional Landscape

The psychological impact of estrangement is unique. Unlike other forms of loss, estrangement creates what my research identified as “The Four Threats,” which can negatively affect mental health.

Chronic stress is one. Estrangement functions as an ongoing stressor that never truly resolves. The uncertainty and pain of family cut-off creates a persistent state of psychological distress. Clients often report intrusive thoughts, sleep disruption, and physical symptoms stemming from the unrelenting emotional burden.

Broken attachment is a separate threat to mental health. The end of lifelong attachment bonds often triggers profound grief responses. Even when the relationship was troubled, the loss of connection to someone who was an attachment figure creates deep insecurity and longing that can persist for decades.

Social rejection is yet another source of distress. Estrangement represents targeted, intentional rejection that is more psychologically damaging than many other types of loss. The shame and self-doubt that result can affect all other relationships and contribute to depression and anxiety.

Perhaps most challenging is the uncertainty of ambiguous loss. Unlike death, estrangement leaves people in limbo. The relative still exists, but it is
deliberately inaccessible, creating a state of not knowing whether to hope or to grieve.

Many estrangements begin with a “volcanic event”—a single incident that seems to precipitate the cut-off but actually represents the culmination of long-standing tensions. These events gain power through rumination and become crystallized in memory as the “reason” for the estrangement.

The Reconciliation Perspective

One of the most hopeful findings is that reconciliation is often possible, even after decades of estrangement. Individuals who rebuild relationships after cut-offs—“the reconcilers”—offer valuable insights regarding how to do it.

First, a change in expectations is necessary. Rather than demanding that relatives change, reconcilers learn to accept family members as they are while setting appropriate boundaries. They also find a way to let go of the past. Reconnection usually requires abandoning the need for others to validate one’s version of past events. This doesn’t mean minimizing harm but focusing on building a future relationship.

Difficult as it may be, reconcilers also take responsibility. Examining one’s own role in the estrangement, without necessarily taking blame, opens pathways to understanding and growth. And not least, those who are successful set clear boundaries. Reconciliation works best when specific terms for contact are set rather than vague hopes for improvement.

Therapeutic Interventions

My research suggests several approaches that may be effective:

• Individual therapy first. Even when family therapy would be ideal, individual work can help clients develop emotional regulation and perspective-taking skills before attempting contact.
• Perspective-taking exercises. Clients learn to understand the situation from their relative’s viewpoint through writing exercises or role-playing—without being forced to agree with that perspective.
• Boundary-setting. Clients learn how to establish and maintain protective boundaries that allow for contact without overwhelming emotional fusion.
• Grief work. Where reconciliation is impossible, acknowledge that estrangement involves complex grief that may need processing before healing can occur.
• Values clarification. Help clients examine whether their values and expectations for family relationships are realistic and whether maintaining an estrangement aligns with their core values.

“One Last Chance”

Successful reconciliations involve offering relatives “one last chance” under specific, protected conditions. This option is not about capitulating or accepting a relative’s behavior but about listing clear terms and creating a time-limited opportunity to test whether change is possible.

This approach provides clear, specific terms for what behavior is acceptable. It protects the client through predetermined exit strategies. It relieves guilt and anticipated regret. And it can lead to either successful reconnection or peaceful acceptance of the estrangement.

The Possibility for Growth

Estrangement often runs in families as a learned response to conflict. Clients may have witnessed cut-offs and view them as a normal family pattern. Additionally, the stigma surrounding estrangement means clients may minimize its impact or avoid discussing it entirely.

It’s crucial to validate the real pain of estrangement while exploring whether reconciliation might be possible under appropriate conditions. The goal isn’t always reunion—sometimes it is accepting the loss and building meaningful connections elsewhere.

My research uncovered one positive phenomenon. For many clients, working through estrangement—whether toward reconciliation or acceptance—can become a profound source of personal growth. The process of examining one’s role, setting boundaries, and making conscious choices about family relationships often leads to better self-awareness, emotional regulation, and interpersonal skills that benefit all areas of life

Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., is a professor of human development at Cornell University.

Pathways to Estrangement

Understanding how estrangements typically develop can help therapists identify warning signs and intervene early.

My research, which led me to establish the Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project, has included in-depth interviews with hundreds of affected family members. The work identified six common pathways to estrangement.

• The long arm of the past: Early trauma, abuse, or severe dysfunction creates a foundation for a future cut-off.
• Legacy of divorce: Parental divorce weakens family bonds and can lead to long-term estrangement.
• Problematic in-laws: Loyalty conflicts between the family of origin and marriage can fracture relationships.
• Money and inheritance: Financial disputes, particularly around wills, frequently trigger rifts.
• Unmet expectations: When family members fail to meet expected obligations (like caregiving), estrangement may result.
• Value differences: Fundamental disagreements about lifestyle, religion, or core beliefs can lead to permanent cut-offs. —K.P.

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