Are You Too Nice?

5 “Nice” Things Partners Do That Can Lead to Trouble

Watch out for relationship patterns that prioritize ease over honesty.

By Seth J. GillIhan, Ph.D.

Most people think they want a “nice” romantic partner. A nice person is considerate and agreeable; so what’s not to like? And indeed, niceness in a partner can be appealing at first, limiting friction and making them easy to be around. But some of that positive behavior comes at the cost of more desirable attributes like genuine kindness or authenticity, both of which may sometimes struggle to coexist within someone who’s always too busy playing nice. Beware of these behaviors in a current or potential partner:

1. Trying to Cheer You Up. It’s one thing for someone to care about your well-being and another to have them monitor your mood constantly. It can be exhausting and stifling to feel as if a partner always has their finger on the pulse of your emotions—and that they aren’t comfortable with your sadness, anger, guilt, or disappointment. Their discomfort can turn into an unspoken demand that you cheer up in order to put them at ease.

2. Avoiding Conflict. Disagreements and arguments are difficult, so you may appreciate it (at least at first) if a partner avoids conflict with you. They may seem super low-maintenance if they avoid bringing up difficult topics that might trigger tension. However, just as crops need both sunshine and rain, constructive conflict is essential for a healthy relationship. Otherwise disagreements and misunderstandings fester and generate feelings of alienation and resentment.

3. Deferring to You. A partner who’s being nice will ask what you want to do when it’s time to decide on a restaurant, make weekend plans, or choose something to watch. But while it’s good of them to make sure your voice is heard, don’t they have preferences of their own? The truth is that collaboration is kinder than deference. Rather than a partner who rubber stamps your decisions, you want one who brings initiative, can take the helm when you’re tired of steering, and will share the burden of decision making.

4. Telling You What You Want to Hear. It feels good when someone validates your point of view—for example, when they automatically take your side if you’re in a dispute with someone, or, if you buy a new shirt and really want them to like it, they’re quick to get on board.

But even if you want a partner who always agrees with you, sometimes what you need is someone to tell you the painful truth. If you’re being unfair in an argument with your sister, it’s helpful to hear that from your partner, even if it makes you mad at first. And if the shirt you bought is a bad fit or color, it would actually be good for a partner to tell you.

At some point you’ll come to realize that there’s some.thing lazy about always telling you what you want to hear and that a partner who does so is acting more like a casual acquaintance who can’t be bothered to be frank with you and risk rocking the boat.

The best partnerships lead to mutual growth, and that’s only possible when a partner is willing to own their opinions and do the hard work of being forthright with you.

5. Making You the Center of Their World. What could be better than being with someone whose world revolves around you? As nice as that might sound, there are serious downsides to being the most important part of a partner’s life.

First, there’s a lot of pressure in being someone else’s Number One. Second, it’s not great for your partner if they adopt that role but then wind up seeing themselves as “small and insignificant” in comparison to you. Third, you should (and probably do) want your partner to bring as much to your relationship as you do. If you’re the focus of everything they do, how will they be able to help you expand your world?

You’ll get more out of a relationship with a whole human being who has passions that aren’t centered on you. They can love you fiercely and also find deep meaning in things that have nothing to do with you.

With a too-nice partner, the niceness comes at the expense of honesty—and an honest partner is a better long-term bet. They won’t shade the truth in ways that make today easy at tomorrow’s expense. They’re willing to be fully themselves—and want you to be exactly who you are.

If you see these behaviors in your partner, it might be time for an honest conversation. On the other side of nice could be a richer, more textured relationship—one that’s built to last.

Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in mindful cognitive behavioral therapy and the author of the “Think Act Be" Substack newsletter.

The Problem With Sugarcoating

Being overly polite might seem kind, but it often leads to hurt feelings anyway.

By Amy Morin, LCSW

In our quest to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, and prevent hurt feelings, we’re sometimes tempted to sugarcoat the truth. While being polite is generally seen as a positive trait, excessive politeness can muddy the waters of communication, leading to misunderstandings and leaving important issues unresolved.

Taking responsibility for your emotions and allowing other people to take responsibility for theirs is a key component of communicating effectively and forming healthy relationships. If you soften the blow when delivering bad news to the extent that you leave others confused about your intentions, you haven’t lived up to that standard.

Why We Sugarcoat

Whether we’re turning down a social invitation, disagreeing with a colleague, or asking a friend for what we need, sugarcoating can come into play in a range of scenarios. But no matter the topic, there are some common reasons we become overly polite.

• Fear of conflict. Many people avoid direct communication because they’re afraid of conflict. They believe that softening their words will minimize the risk of argument or hurt feelings.
• Desire to please. Some individuals have a strong desire to be liked and accepted, leading them to sugarcoat the truth to avoid displeasing others or to maintain a positive image.
• Cultural norms. In some cultures, indirect communication is the norm, and being overly polite is a way to show respect and maintain social harmony.

The Downside of Overly Polite Communication

Whether you deliver difficult news with a smile or repeatedly thank someone even while attempting to express your displeasure, sugarcoating brings its own risks.

• Misinterpretations. When messages are wrapped in layers of politeness, the true intention or meaning can get lost. This can lead to misinterpretations, as the receiver may not fully grasp the seriousness or urgency of the message.
• Unresolved issues. Sugarcoated messages can prevent important issues from being addressed. When feedback is not clear, the recipient might not recognize the need for change or improvement.
• Frustration and resentment. Over time, lack of clarity can lead to frustration and resentment, especially if one party feels they are not being heard or understood. \

How to Be More Direct

Although being straightforward may feel uncomfortable at first, it can ultimately help a relationship—and it is possible to be kind and direct at the same time.

• Write out talking points in advance. Spend a few minutes thinking about the message you want to deliver and how you can communicate it effectively. Pay attention to things that you’re tempted to say to avoid hurting the other person, like, “We can still be friends.” Edit and revise your script as needed until you’re sure you’re not sending mixed signals.
• Be clear and concise. Clarity is key to effective communication, ensuring that your intent is unmistakable. The longer you speak, the more likely your core message may be diluted or lost.
• Practice empathy. Understand the perspective of the per.son you are communicating with. You might begin the conversation by acknowledging, “This is a difficult conversation but it’s important.” This will help you frame your message in a way that is both honest and considerate.
• Set a tone. It’s essential to be direct, but you can still maintain a warm and respectful tone to help make sure your message is received positively. But don’t allow keeping a respectful tone to lead to sending a mixed message by, for ex.ample, smiling while you deliver bad news or laughing while setting a boundary.

It’s natural to want to spare others’ feelings, but overly polite communication can sometimes do more harm than good. The goal is not to abandon politeness but to balance it with honesty and clarity. By striving for more direct and honest interactions, you can reduce misunderstandings and cultivate relationships built on trust and clarity.

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.

Why a Nice Boss May Not Actually Be a Great One

A kind manager is prized, but a “subordinate-pleaser” doesn’t help anyone.

By Nadav Klein, Ph.D.

Being kind to others is celebrated everywhere: across cultures, across genders, in kindergarten classrooms, you name it. However, when it comes to leadership, being too nice can have serious drawbacks.

It’s not because kindness is bad, but devoid of context, it can devolve into people-pleasing. Often, we think of people-pleasers as brown-nosers who try to cozy up to the boss. But the desire to please others does not necessarily depend on hierarchy.

Picture this: You’re in charge of a team. Your calendar is bursting at the seams. Some tasks should be given to others for various reasons: skills, availability, and opportunity cost. Yet you hesitate to assign these tasks to your people. The trouble is that the tasks are very boring. You know this because you think the tasks are boring. And what you think is obviously what others will think, right? Plus, you’re a nice person. Nice, ac.cording to this analysis, means:

• You will never burden your team.
• You’ll never be the “boss from hell.”
• You’ll never be a leader who makes your people feel resentful.

So, you roll up your sleeves and take on the workload yourself because surely this is the right way to inspire loyalty and harmony in your team.Right? Wrong. Not delegating because of subordinate-pleasing often stems from three errors:

1. You assume that what is boring to you is also boring to others.
2. You prioritize kindness above all other traits.
3. You give in to the emotional halo that kindness provides.

Let’s take each in turn. First, taking others’ perspective accurately is actually quite hard. Studies show that people repeatedly fail to understand what others are feeling and thinking. Instead, they project their own preferences onto others—in this example, their subordinates. But just because something is boring to you does not mean it will be boring to others. As a leader, you may have developed advanced skills so some tasks are boring to you now, but this was not the case in the past.

Do not rob others of potential development opportunities by projecting your own distaste for certain tasks onto them.

Second, kindness is indeed important; it’s one of the traits people most care about in others. But it is not the only one, and studies show that kindness is a “hygiene factor”: Its presence is necessary but its level is not motivating. In other words, people want you to be decent but they’re not expecting you to maximize kindness.

My own research, published with Nicholas Epley in 2014, found that being a little bit nice carries outsized reputational benefits compared to being extremely nice. This means that while it is beneficial to be nice, it’s not necessarily any more beneficial for you to be too nice. In this case, it can actually limit productivity.

Competence, on the other hand, is something a manager should maximize. In other people’s eyes, it may not much matter if you are extremely nice or just moderately nice, but it absolutely matters whether you are extremely competent or just somewhat competent. So beware of prioritizing your image as a kind person to the exclusion of your image as a competent one.

Third, being kind feels good in the moment. This is great; it’s one of the things that makes us act kindly toward others in the first place. But taken to an extreme it can lead to making decisions based on emotional payoffs and trying to win a popularity contest. That is not the goal of leadership. What makes you feel good in the short term is not necessarily what will make you feel that your and your team’s work is meaningful and effective in the long term.

Delegation Is Kindness in Disguise

Delegating isn’t selfish or lazy; often, it’s an act of kindness. When you trust someone with an important task, you’re saying: “I believe in your ability to handle this.” This creates space for skill-building, ownership, and innovation in a team.

We don’t need to be everyone’s best friend. When we lead, we must focus on organizing people in effective ways to get things done. We must in.spire people and sometimes push them, for their and our own benefit. Just like exercise, being nice is great in measured doses but counterproductive in the extreme.

You may have made a habit of asking yourself, “Am I being nice?” Instead, try asking, “Am I being a jerk?” The latter question is a better gauge of how people evaluate you—and they likely care more about decency than extreme kindness.

Nadav Klein, Ph.D., is an assistant professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD.

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Is It Really Possible to Be Too Nice?

Research suggests that the nicest people may not be the happiest.

By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D.

You are undoubtedly familiar with the expression, “Nice guys finish last,” but why is it that nice people should be less likely to succeed? Consider a friend who never seems to mind if other people are rude or dismissive to them. Even when you’re in a bad mood, they take no offense if you vent your anger or frustration—and so you really like having them around.

It would seem, then, that such nice individuals should actually have an edge over nasty people in the social hierarchy. So, can there be any truth to the cliché about their finishing last? Yes, according to research published in 2021 by Filip Fors Connolly and Ingemar Johansson Sevä of Umeå University in Sweden.

The Link Between Agreeableness and Life Satisfaction

Niceness,” which corresponds to the personality trait of agreeableness, can actually stymie an individual’s potential to rise to the top. Others may like the chronically agreeable, but they wouldn’t necessarily choose them to be leaders.

The Swedish researchers observed that this “weak association between agreeableness and status” may be due to the tendency of the highly agreeable to be more motivated to be liked than admired: “One can respect someone whom one does not like (an accomplished rival) and like someone whom one does not respect (a friendly buffoon).”

The researchers suggested that an individual is more likely to move to higher rungs in their “local ladder” or social group when they have strength in two basic qualities: instrumental social value (status or respect) and relational value (inclusion or liking). They predicted that, with lower levels of status, the highly agreeable don’t receive as much respect or admiration as others might, which could potentially leave them feeling like the proverbial doormat, deficient in positive well-being.

In a study of almost 4,000 adults, the team found that individuals who were higher in agreeableness did generally have lower levels of life satisfaction—unless they were high in both agreeableness and relational value. By comparison, people who were high in extraversion generally had both higher inclusion and status scores, contributing to higher measures of life satisfaction.

“If high levels of life satisfaction depend on being both included and admired,” the team reported, “traits that increase both of these needs will have a larger impact compared to traits that only fulfill one.” In other words, the cost of being highly agreeable may be that someone is left with fewer resources to contribute to their own sense of well-being. Along with that challenge, they face the risk of being exploited in social situations: By putting others before themselves, they become less able to experience the satisfaction of fulfilling their own goals.

Being pleasant will always be valued. But becoming more conscious of the potential risks, and modifying your priorities accordingly, could help ensure that kindness doesn’t get in the way of your own long-term well-being.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., is a professor emerita of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. Her latest book is The Search for Fulfillment.

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Are you a people-pleaser?

A people-pleaser craves validation and reassurance and is afraid to disappoint others because they worry about being rejected or abandoned. They may go to great lengths to help others, even when they're not asked, and they often take the blame, even for things that weren't their fault. Take our test on people pleasing to see where you fall on the people-pleasing scale.

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