Final Analysis: Keep It Simple, Stupid
A selection of new entries slated for inclusion in the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
By September 1, 2009 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016published
Antecedents: Being short, male; having a French accent.
Symptoms: Power-seeking. Attempting to compensate for small stature through aggression, tall hats.
Notes: Despite widespread misconception, Napoleon Bonaparte of France was of average height for his time. He was actually compensating for almost imperceivably asymmetrical nostrils.
(also known as Tripolar Disorder)
Antecedents: Being Italian; nearly drowning in a vat of frozen dairy dessert.
Symptoms: Having a light side, a dark side, and a sickeningly rosy side. Wanting to be everything to everyone. Chronic brain freeze.
Charlie Chaplin Complex
Antecedents: Being born with a moustache that does not extend to the corners of the mouth.
Symptoms: Desire to conquer Europe and establish a 1000-year reign.
Notes: Although Charlie Chaplin did not suffer from the complex, a growing number of psychohistorians speculate that Adolf Hitler may have been afflicted.
Antecedents: Experience with foreign policy, hunting.
Symptoms: Episodes of serving as Vice President of the United States under George W. Bush. During these states, sufferers will sometimes pick fights at random and then hide underground.
Notes: The term was introduced into common parlance during the farewell address of President Dwight Eisenhower, avid armchair psychiatrist.
Antecedents: Being nailed to a cross for the sake of mankind; taking the fall when the boss's daughter—who shouldn't be interning here anyway—breaks the fancy coffeemaker.
Symptoms: A perceived license to tell people how to live their lives and/or file expense reports. Overcompensating for low horsepower of Prius.
Notes: Sometimes misdiagnosed as God Complex; look for whether the person also lays a guilt trip on you while being a dick.
Antecedents: Creating the known universe.
Symptoms: Thinking you own the place. Snooping on people's private conversations even when not addressed through prayer. Fickle support for Steinbrenner's Evil Empire during playoffs. Sufferers will sometimes exist just to spite Christopher Hitchens.
Notes: Those with long beards, devout followers, and immortality are often misdiagnosed. Inquire about bandmates. See: ZZ Top Complex.
Antecedents: Caching the known universe.
Symptoms: Thinking you own the place. Snooping on people's private emails even when not addressed through tech support. Fickle about evil. Sufferers will sometimes exist just to spite Bill Gates.
Notes: Those with more money, followers, and omniscience than God are often misdiagnosed. Inquire about immortality. See: Oracle of Omaha Complex.
Antecedents: Opening your eyes.
Symptoms: Seeing what's really going on; picketing. Stocking up on duct tape, cockroach farms, bullhorns. Exchanging cash for gold and Twittering about it. Fondness for wearing tinfoil hats, turning PowerPoint lectures into movies.
Notes: Arguably not a disorder. I was forced to add it by The Powers That Be. Just look around you, people. Am I the only sane one?