Infertility: Dad's Secret

Children who are conceived through sperm or embryo donation may never learn the truth about their genetic background. And usually, it's fathers who shy away from disclosure.

A study of British families found that two thirds of parents who had children using embryo donation didn't plan to reveal the conception details to their kids. (Children born from embryo donation are not genetically related to either their mother or father. The embryo results from surplus conceptions of the in vitro fertilization, or IVF, process of other couples.)

Why the cover-up? Psychologist Fiona MacCallum, of City University, London, says that parents who use embryo donation -- instead of adoption -- want concealment from the start. The outside world will see a "natural" pregnancy as the woman carries the baby to term. Often, says MacCallum, "the husband has made the decision that he does not want anyone to know."

MacCallum found that such practices differ from those used by parents who adopt or use IVF, who more frequently inform their children of their background. Adoption is hard to hide, and IVF uses parents' own genetic material, so openness is more likely, she says.

Men are frequently more insecure about infertility and feel it makes them less masculine, says Judith Gerber, a psychologist at the University of Vermont. In her work with some 600 couples, she has found that women openly discuss their infertility, while men remain guarded.

Robert Edelman, a clinical psychologist at the University of Surrey, U.K., says a man's insecurity can cause marital problems, and his infertility often has a greater impact on the couple's relationship than a woman's. In cases where a mother is related to the child but the father is not, a father may be "resentful of the bond between his wife and her genetic child," Gerber says.

Conversely, using a donor egg is less likely to upset marital harmony, says Gerber, because the mother carries the child and the father has a genetic link. Parents feel they have "equal participation" in the birth.

When it comes to telling one's child about his genetic background, Edelman advocates full disclosure. He calls such a large family secret a "time bomb" for a child's emotional health, especially if they were to learn of their background in some other way.