Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

The Truth About Abusers, Abuse, and What to Do

How to spot an abusive partner before it's too late.

Posted Jun 06, 2017

Source: Syda Productions/Shutterstock

More than 3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, including both men and women. Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million people. One-third of women and one-fourth of men will have experienced some sort of interpersonal violence, and for one-fourth of women and one-seventh of men, it's severe. (For more, visit NCADV.org.)

What is less talked about, though serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from withholding to controlling, and includes manipulation and verbal abuse. The number of people affected is astronomical. Emotional abuse is insidious and slowly eats away at your confidence and self-esteem. The effects are long term, and can take even longer to recover from than blatant violence.

Facts About Abuse

Victims often minimize violence. Violence includes throwing or breaking things, slapping, shoving, hair-pulling, and forced sex. Here are some facts you should know:

Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.
Abusers deny their actions.
Abusers blame the victim.
Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.
Abuse damages your self-esteem.
The abuser needs to be right and in control.
The abuser is possessive and may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
The abuser is hypersensitive and may react with rage.
A gun in the house increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent.
Two-thirds of domestic violence perpetrators have been drinking alcohol.
One-third of victims have been drinking or using drugs.

The Typical Abuser

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They don’t act insecure to cover up the truth. In fact, they’re often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over their victim. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. To them, communication is a win-lose game. They often have the following personality profile:

Insecure.
Needy with unrealistic expectations of a relationship.
Distrustful.
Often jealous.
Verbally abusive.
Needs to be right and in control.
Possessive; may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
Hypersensitive and reacts aggressively.
Has a history of aggression.
Is cruel to animals or children.
Blames their behavior on others.
Suffers from untreated mental health problems including depression or suicidal behavior.

How to Respond

Most victims of abuse respond in a rational way: They explain themselves and believe that the abuser is interested in what they have to say. This lets abusers know that they’ve won and have control. Instead, one must design their own strategy and not react, thereby not rewarding the abusive behavior. You can do this by not engaging, or by responding in an unpredictable way, such as with humor, which throws an abuser off-guard. You can also ask for the behavior you want, set limits, and confront the abuse. Most victims do the opposite, and placate and appease an abuser to deescalate tension and the risk of harm. It rarely works, and abuse typically continues.

The Truth About Violence

If you’ve experienced violence—and that includes shoving, hair pulling, or destroying property—it’s essential to get support and learn how to set limits. Abusers deny or minimize the problem—as do victims—and may claim that they can’t control themselves. This is untrue. Notice that they aren’t abusive with their boss—because there would be consequences to that behavior. They also blame their actions on you, implying that you need to change. You’re never responsible for someone else’s behavior.

You may recognize the Cycle of Violence:

A build-up of tension.
The attack.
Remorse and apology.
A honeymoon period of loving gestures.

Sometimes, the threat of violence is all the abuser needs to control you, like a terrorist. The best time to abort violence is in the build-up stage. Some victims will even provoke an attack to get it over with, because their anxiety and fear is so great. After an attack, abusers say how sorry they are and promise never to repeat it, but without counseling to treat the underlying causes of the abuse repeat itself. Do not believe their promises.

Why Victims Stay

There are many reasons why victims stay in a relationship. Statistics show that victims of violence endure an average of up to seven attacks. The dominant reason is dependency: Control by the abuser, shame about the abuse, and the dysfunctional nature of the relationship lowers the victim's self-esteem and confidence and often causes the victim to withdraw from friends and family, creating even more fear and dependency on the abuser. The abuse itself is experienced as an emotional rejection with the threat of being abandoned. This triggers feelings of shame and fears of both more abuse and abandonment in the victim, which are then relieved during the honeymoon phase. Then victims hope the abuser will change. After all, there are good times between episodes of abuse. There are reasons why the person loves or once loved the abuser, and often children are involved.

Abusers can have a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. Dr. Jekyll is often charming and romantic, perhaps successful, and makes pronouncements of love. You love Dr. Jekyll and make excuses for Mr. Hyde. You may not see that the whole person is the problem. If you’ve had a painful relationship with a parent growing up, you can confuse love and pain. Victims also stay for the following reasons:

Finances.
Nowhere else to live.
No outside emotional support.
Childcare concerns.
Taking the blame for the abuse.
Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing the abuse.
Low self-esteem and confidence.
They love the abuser.

If you’re a victim of abuse, you feel ashamed. You’ve been humiliated and your self-esteem and confidence have been undermined. You hide the abuse from people close to you, often to protect the reputation of the abuser and because of your own shame. An abuser uses tactics to isolate you from friends and loved ones by criticizing them and making remarks designed to force you take sides. You’re either for them or against them. If the abuser feels slighted, then you have to take his or her side, or you’re befriending the enemy. This is designed to increase control over you and your dependence upon him or her.

Steps You Can Take

It’s essential to build outside resources and talk about what’s going on in your relationship. A professional is the best person, because you can build your self-esteem and learn how to help yourself without feeling judged or rushed into taking action. If you can’t afford private individual therapy, find a low-fee clinical in your city, learn all you can from books and online resources, join online forums, and find a support group at a local battered women’s shelter. Do this even if it means keeping a secret. You’re entitled to your privacy.

To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:

Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise.
Has outbursts of anger.
Is rude to others.
Criticizes you or your family.
Is jealous or possessive.
Is paranoid.
Threatens you.

Pay attention to these signs despite the fact that the person is pursuing you and expressing love and affection. An abuser won’t risk becoming abusive until he or she is confident that you won’t leave. First, he or she will try to win you over and isolate you from friends and family. See if he or she respects your boundaries. Often, violence doesn’t start until after marriage or the birth of a child, when you’re less likely to leave. But it also can escalates when you try to leave. This is why it's imperative to have a plan and support.

Don't wait for the next attack. If you’re threatened by abuse, call 1-800-799-SAFE. Some other steps you can take to prepare for an emergency are:

Open bank and credit cards in your own name.
Have a safe place to go at a friend or relative.
Have a bag packed at that place with necessary valuables and important legal papers, passport, bank information, credit cards, phone book, and money. Also pack clothes for your children and some toys.
Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud noises or suspect danger.
Make extra car and house keys. Hide a car key outside so you can get away.
If there is weapon in the home, remove it.

Remember, by not confronting abuse to avoid the risk of losing someone’s love, you risk losing your Self.

Thank you for this article.

Submitted by Kelley Eubanks, LMFT on June 6, 2017 - 12:29pm

Thank you for this article. It is becoming more and more important that information around abuse gets shared due to the high levels of abuse happening and with various means of communication. I really appreciated this as a therapist.

This artical and why the people being abused don't leave

Submitted by Chris on August 9, 2019 - 5:59pm

They don't leave because they're afraid to die. They don't want to be killed. Why is abuse so secret? Why can't we who are abused shout it out to the top of the hills if it's so prevalent in society? I never want my children to get married and be controlled ever. My marriage is slavery!

Get hellp

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on August 9, 2019 - 8:15pm

Do shout out to people who can understand and help. Most abuse isn't that severe. If this is you now, contact a shelter and get counseling. Learn to set boundaries and not be a slave. See my website and Do's and Don't's re Confronting Abuse. You may be able to change the dynamics. Also attend CoDA or other support groups. Make time to have fun, too.

Surely all abuse IS serious.

Submitted by Pennyforthethought on October 16, 2019 - 1:38pm

This comment is a reply to both Darlene Lancer, and to Chris (whose comment prompted Darlene's response). I hope particularly that I can reach out to Chris, and offer some kind of support and understanding.

First of all, I wish to point out that I can totally see Chris's point of view, arguing that 'marriage is slavery'. For some people, that can be the case - your marriage can feel like a form of slave bondage. To suggest that most abuse is not really very sever is just not true. Only an abused person (and the abuser) knows what is actually going on behind closed doors. Besides, I would tend to argue that ANY type of abuse, even if it sounds trivial, like just name-calling, is severe. To abuse another person with the intention of deliberately hurting and manipulating them is SEVERE. How can it be anything else? The intention of one person to harm another person on purpose is nothing short of evil.

What many people - including professionals - seem to misunderstand when it comes to abuse is that the person being abused is MOST AT RISK WHEN THEY BEGIN TO SPEAK OUT AND SEARCH FOR HELP. Abuse goes on behind closed doors, and this is the way abusers want it to stay. Abusers get away with being abusive because they try to hide it. Many will, as the main article says, be 'Jekyll & Hyde' type characters. They will have one persona - a 'nice person' - that they present to the outside world. They will have another that they present to the person they abuse. I doubt that any abuser will show their evil side to people other than their target of abuse. Why? Because this will reveal them for what they truly are - aggressive, abusive, manipulative bullies. Abusers tend to act secretly. They will not abuse the nextdoor neighbour openly, or be offensive and abusive to their boss. They will put on a pleasant manner when meeting with people they want to impress - people they do not want to have find them out.

The two-faced nature of abusers, in itself, makes it harder for their victims to speak out. It becomes a case of abuser's word against victim's. The target of abuse (victim) knows what the abuser is like behind closed doors, and may try to get others to understand. But the abuser does not behave like this towards everyone, so some people will probably argue that there is no evidence of abuse. The people that a victim may wish to go to and speak out about abuse are often people who know the abuser, too. The people a victim may wish to tell about abuse include family members, friends, work colleagues - at least some of whom will also know the abuser. If these people DO know both abuser and abused, then how can they easily get involved? Asking them to do so may appear like asking them to take sides? They may also find it hard to believe that the abuser is an unpleasant and bullying person, because they may see the fake 'nice person' side of the abuser (which is what the abuser may deliberately show them).

This is why I say that any abuse is ALWAYS serious, and very complicated. The person who is being abused cannot always rely on even the people closest to them. Sometimes because these people will not have seen the abuser being abusive, and so find it hard to believe that this person is abusive. But, also because if they DO believe, and choose to side with a victim to offer support and protection, THEY may actually risk becoming targets of abuse themselves.

It is in an abuser's nature to be deceitful, manipulative, lying, two-faced and secretive. They HAVE to be like this, because they need to hide their abuse. Also, because they are abusive, it makes sense to understand that they may equally be aggressive, defensive, insecure, needy, possessive, nosy.. .all behaviours of abusers which are involved in the abuse.

Abusers abuse in many ways. These are what makes abuse serious, and also makes it hard for victims to leave without being at huge risk. Abusers may spread negative gossip about their victims - telling other people that the victim is 'a liar', or 'makes things up', or is 'too sensitive', or 'crazy'. They do this so that a victim has nobody to talk to about the abuse - because anyone they MIGHT go to, already suspects that they are not being truthful, or may be mad. This is what the abuser WANTS people to believe, because it hides the real abuse, and takes away any support for the victim.

Abusers may also spy on and stalk their victims - keeping an eye on everything the target of abuse does, and on everyone they associate with. Abusers may go through a victim's personal diary, open their mail, read their e-mails, spy on their social media accounts, and keep track of every phonecall they make or everything they do online. This is because abusers are both insecure and possessive, needing to know at all times what their victim is up to. Abusers HAVE to do this, because if they don't keep track of their victims, then the victim may have a chance to seek help and to talk to somebody about the abuse. Abusers want to prevent this happening. They are pathetic cowards who are scared of being found out.

Abusers are so troubled (probably disturbed in some way) that to them their abusive behaviour seems 'normal'. They rarely seek help or admit they have any problems. They will always say it is the victim who 'has problems'. I would suspect that - for reasons I cannot necessarily fathom - abusers somehow NEED to abuse. Maybe because it makes them feel less insecure and weak and pathetic? Maybe because picking on others makes them feel superior or powerful? But, whatever the reason, abusers seem to WANT to abuse. So they do whatever they can to ensure their victim(s) cannot speak out easily, or escape easily. Thus an abuser may:
1. Prevent a victim from going out on their own.
2. Stop a victim seeing their friends and/or family (isolate the victim).
3. Sabotage a victim's career - preventing them working, or making attempts to get them fired or made redundant.
4. Sabotage a victim's education - making it difficult for a victim to study, or go to school/college/university, or get good grades, or complete coursework.
5. Spy on a victim's correspondence - prying into computer usage, reading mail, e-mails, private diaries, etc.
6. Stalk a victim - always trying to know a victim's whereabouts, maybe using GPS on a mobile phone, or else even using tracking devices.
7. Hack a victim's computer or phone to install malware and spyware.
8. Spread malicious gossip and lies about a victim to other people, trying to make them victim look bad, and turn other people away from the victim.
9. Try to control finances - preventing the victim from having their own money, or bank account, or savings. Or else, limiting access to a joint account. Or maybe giving the victim just a tiny allowance to live off. Or, sometimes, an abuser will steal from a victim or commit identity fraud, so as to use a victim's credit or finances.
10. Refusing to let the victim learn to drive, or if the victim can already drive, preventing access to a vehicle. An abuser may even steal a victim's car keys, or even the car, or may deliberately smash it up to prevent it being used.
11. An abuser may install cameras and CCTV in their own home, so that everything the victim does is constantly monitored.
12. An abuser may dictate what a victim wears, or else may refuse to let them dress how they please. Sometimes, abusers will always criticize how a victim looks, no matter what they wear, so as to make them feel bad and ugly. This is also done to deliberately provoke arguments.
13. Abusers may steal a victim's house keys, or refuse to let them have any. Or an abuser may deliberately re-program the security alarm if the home has one, refusing to let the victim know the new code, meaning that they dare not go out for fear of tripping the alarm.
14. If a victim has children, or has pets, an abuser may threaten to harm them or to take them away if the victim does not do as told.

When you stop to consider that these are all documented ways that abusers may behave (I say documented, because I have found the above behaviours listed on websites for abuse victims, and also described in research papers about abuse) it comes as little surprise that victims may feel trapped, or fear retaliation of they speak out or attempt to leave. For this reason, I can totally understand Chris saying that marriage feels 'like slavery'. This is likely not an exaggeration.

There is much research evidence that shows that people are most in danger when they try to report abuse and try to escape. Research also shows that many so-called support services are inadequate, poorly-funded, under-resourced, and just cannot meet the needs of the many people out there who are being abused. There are far too few hostels, safe shelters and places of refuge. Very few, if any, employers provide support and services to ensure that victims of domestic violence are safe working, and can keep their jobs. Very few, if any, places of education provide similar services that might lessen the negative impact of domestic violence on studying. Where are the financial services, just for victims of domestic violence? Where are the services to protect their children, and pets? Where are the services to help them keep in touch with family and friends? Even where these services exist, they are overstretched. Why are there no secure forms of telephone or computer communication that victims can use to stay in touch with family and friends, without the risk of being hacked or stalked by an abuser? Why does the internet, and mobile phone networks, not target this type of abuse and provide support and safe networks for abuse victims? Why can't housing providers, and employers, allow victims of domestic violence to get houses and jobs without the need for loads of checks and references, which may expose them and put them at risk of their abusers finding out that they are applying for work or accommodation? Don't employers, or estate agencies, understand that domestic abusers exist, and that they may become increasingly violent if they find out that their victim is thinking of moving house, or applying for a job? Don't they understand that an abuser will open a victim's mail, or check their phone log - perhaps discovering a request for references, or a mailing of a property description?

When we stop to think about abusive behaviour, and the way it is conducted, plus the extent to which abusers will go to try to stop a victim from speaking out, or leaving, surely it is clear that abuse is VERY serious, and that an abusive marriage easily mimics slavery. Arguing that a person should 'learn to set boundaries' and 'not be a slave' is very dangerous. True, it is an attempt to help, but it fails to comprehend the complexity of abuse, and the fact that a victim is most at risk when they try to speak up. Many victims - and there is ample evidence of this from research, from refuges, from the police, and so forth - DO make attempts to set boundaries and change dynamics. The problem is that when they do so, the abuse ESCALATES. Why? Because now the abuser is aware that the victim recognises abuse is happening, and the abuser is terrified of being called out. So, the abuser becomes worse so as to threaten the victim back into silence. If this does not work, the ultimate way of enforcing a victim's silence is MURDER - which is why statistics show that many victims of domestic violence are killed or seriously injured when trying to seek help and leave. This is something that anyone working in the counselling/therapy professions, or the police, or social work, or nursing, or medicine really NEEDS to know.

Rather than seeing abuse targets as somehow 'making themselves victims' by not speaking out or leaving, we should try to fully understand the level of risk they face if they DO try this. We should then be focusing upon the development of services which can tackle this risk - as I have said, services that do not victim-blame, that understand the huge amount of courage a target of abuse needs just to survive. We need services to safeguard children and pets. We need employers to ensure that domestic violence victims can keep safely working. We need schools, colleges and universities to understand that some of their students face domestic violence, and that this affects their ability to study. We need these education organizations to provide help and support that is effective to such students. We need more refuges. We need better financial support for victims. But, first of all, we need full understanding of what victims face the risk of.

To anyone reading this, just try to imagine what it may be like to face abuse, to want to be free of it, but to know that if you tell anyone, you risk maybe being seriously injured, or seeing your kids or pets harmed, or losing your house, or being locked in your room and starved, or having your abuser spread lies about you so that you get fired at work, or having your abuser smash up your computer, steal your phone and rip up all your mail... These are just some of the things that people who are abused may face as retaliation for trying to leave. How would YOU face such things?

Stop the hysteria

Submitted by Some Guy on May 20, 2020 - 12:00pm

You sound like you're one of the reefer-madness propagandists from a century ago. Is abuse a serious issue? Yes, of-course. However, not all abusers are "evil". The vast majority are not. Also, wanting to hurt another person is not always an immoral choice. Police, soldiers, boxers, mma guys, all hurt people. I suspect the vast majority of them are not at all evil.

Also, as an abuser, I can say that not I am not sneaky and hiding my abuse from anyone. It's common knowledge that I have a temper. Sometimes I take things a bit too far and I regret it a bit after, but it's part of who I am and I wouldn't change it if I could. I'm sure someone like you will try your best to "shame" me. But, whatever. If you're comfortable being a hypocrite, have at it. :)

Thank You for Posting This!

Submitted by Anonymous on May 21, 2020 - 12:39am

I'd written several hours worth (perhaps) of examples JUST to tell you, "thanks" for posting this. You have brought light to the darkness that IS my life, and, if you are telling the truth about having read this via researching this online (these examples you listed), others' lives as well.

Being believed is nice, even when there's no change attached to it, it's still a relief, the acknowledgement of what has been done to you (even if, it was spoken of or on in the context of what had been done to others).

See, even we victims can't even post online, because EVERYTHING we do is known, made known, watched, and, well, even if there are no "consequences" to posting, even IF there were "benefits" we'd still not be in any better a place, if we remain...as the initial example put it "enslaved."

I choose to not say that word for MY situation, because my situation is more of a "trap," and slavery is all too real, and I dare not use a term that doesn't fit, because that just cheapens and dimishes' someone else's experience. Much like those people who say "I was RAPED!" when they speak on a business whose money, said entitity DID TAKE, but whose products or services rendered were either non-existent, inadequate, or, again, just fake!

Enh, I rhyme...sometimes...ENh... God allows people to feel better in whatever small ways He allows. I'm thankful for the blessings He gives, while remaining ungrateful for what I WOULD He'd do, but He's in control of this world, not me, "Chris," or you.

I take it, that's for the best. He knows ALL, and we all, even combined, know so much more less.

THe end. I would that I could speak freely, but this is all that I can do, when or IF I ever get TRULY FREE, I"ll probably NEVER even THINK to speak on said things that I've gone through. I'd be so HAPPY to be on a permanent vacation away from my abusers (Satan's witchcraft nation). I KNOW many people don't believe in that thing, but as a Christian (well, Christ believing, because I fail at being Christ-following which is the very definition for the word "Christian")...

...ANYWAY, Christians, if they read, they'll see, that "nothing's new under the sun" what is being now, has more than not, already (in times afore) longggg been done.

But, ask Moses, ask Aaron, ask the Pharaoh-lovers today, witchcraft and magic and wizardry and sorcery...

All of these things, tie into abuse (the knowing what someone is doing, and what they're thinking, typing, or saying, when they're NOT anywhere NEAR around you), CAN be explained (at least NOT the thinking thing) through surveilance tools. But technology, I feel, is sometimes, just an excuse or a ruse, or a Red Herring, if my vocabulary is speaking correctly, to explain away the truth...that Satanic pracitices, devils, and familiars, are things that CAN TOO EXPLAIN, why victims find it HARD to get away.

I'd say more, but for what reason?
I have NO CLUE if my words, will even REACH those who'd need them.
Those, who, are going through the same.
We can't ever speak these, things that I say.
I'll end here.
Um, the End.
LOL!
Thanks, though, regardless of what you believe, for posting ALL that you wrote.

I'm SO used to being followed online and off (I mean...literally, some people follow to DISCERN THINGS...like a private investigator hired to find out a cheater's secret lair, but others, like you to SEE...it's a form of harrassment. Same cars following me, for years. I'll give ONE example here:

So, I'm driving down a lonely highway.
Nearly empty, every night.
I drive at a moderate to slow speed.
I look in my rear view mirror,
there are lights speeding up behind me
Same thing, every night
Same car that does it too.
He speeds up behind me, then, he comes near my driver's side.
He slows his speed to match mine
And pauses for a VERY long time
Then, if I don't turn my head, and look in his general direction,
He'll eventually leave, and quicken up his speed
And leave me to continue my drive
Same place on the same highway,
night..after...night.

Then, there are more examples, and I'm not the only family member
OH, did I fail to mention,
My domestic...offenderS...
AREN'T a spouse or significant other of my choosing
My stalkers, my perverts...their featured on the birth (curse) certificate of THIS LOSER.

Poem...OVER!
Now snap your fingers, all coffee house style
God gives us little things, to help us run each mile
Mine is crappy poetry,
But it helps to make me smile
It helps my abusers to win, too
I can't get out,
if I'm trying to cope,
by writing crummy poetry, that SOMETIMES sounds "dope!"
(I meant that in a 1990's Black-People slang type meaning, and NOT in a pro-narcotics to enslave type...meaning)
Yeah!
-Anonymous (aka, ME!)

Thank you, Pennyforthethought, and PLEASE ignore "Some Guy"

Submitted by Anonymous on May 21, 2020 - 1:07am

Dear Friend,
I haven't yet read all of your I believe, second post, in which you explained to the author of this piece, that you worked in this field.

That explains why your would have researched. You captured my life so well, and I'm SO USED TO being followed (and dually harassed online), that I assume that, if something, as your piece did, captures my life's experiences to the T as your examples did above, that, it's just another game, being played for manipulation's sake by one of my abusers. I just saw that some user named "some guy" or something perhaps insulted you on 5-20-2020, around the same time that I came upon this article yesterday, However the comment JUST SHOWED UP a few seconds ago, as the comment count, I recall. Anyway, I'm USED to being stalked both online AND off.

As I wrote in a poem, a few minutes ago, my domestic offenders are NOT a chosen relation, but rather family members and those who are, as exceedingly wicked, and disgusting as them, members of the SAME Satanic nation.

I typically do NOT come back to articles where I've left comments on, or whatever, because I'm USED to LITERALLY and I mean LITERALLY MULTIPLE CONCRETE examples of being stalked, followed, and NOT in a secretive way, but rather, TO show me whose boss, or whose in control over my life.

When your car battery being repeatedly UNHOOKED as you are in a grocer, becomes a "game..." anyway...like I'd said, I'd written HOURS worth of examples to you, but I decided NOT to click "send."

If you are as what I've thus far read of you (you appear to be an advocate for victims like me and others), then, KNOW THIS: Thank you (number's one, two, and three), and lastly...sometimes people who APPEAR to be..."ignorant" to the sufferings of others...sometimes these people are abusers and apart of it. Maybe not to the human beings that you serve so well (I assume by the one post that I read in full, and by the beginning of the one sentence that I just saw in your, what I BELIEVE is perhaps your second post?), but maybe to others.

I am NOT GOD. I am NOT GOD the Father. I am NOT God the Son (the Lord Jesus Christ), and I am NOT God the Holy Ghost (GOD's Holy Spirit), so I don't know who is TRULY ignorant and who is playing-the-fool, but, in the past, I've seen both.

Ciao, Bella or Bello!
And have a Bella Cera, or whatever have a beautiful night is in iTalian...lol!
Adios, Muchacha or Muchacho!
And thanks again, and don't take the mean people online to heart. Many are PAID JUST to change the way people think, and, if they can't do that, then, they're paid to tell the people that think (either at ALL, or just not in the manner desired) to shut up by repeated harangues online, until said offender (thinker) is apologizing to said (phony/fake/paid-to-do-this-very-form-of-harassment-for-aforementioned-said-reasons) berater.

It's SOLELY to get people USED to keeping their mouth shut when their mouths are RIGHTEOUS, MORAL, JUST, or just plain CORRECT and TRUE! I've seen it time and time again, from forum to forum, from comment section to comment section. Pete and Repeat could have NEVER fallen off of and back on to the boat as many times as I've seen this done to note.
Enh.
ENd of said crummy poetry..ness.
LOL!
-Thanks again!

My husbands abuse did not

Submitted by cally on December 8, 2020 - 12:00pm

My husbands abuse did not start until 19 years after our wedding day, all over me not permiting a sex life and trying to get him to be responsible for the needs of others.

!6 years before he had made his father and others within the community angry that he was taking his honorable discharge from the navy and returning from a military leave to his old job In a major Auto company with his full seniority restored, his father at that time told everyone if he was allowed to return and do as he pleased nobody would stop what he would do in harming the communities heirarchy.

So to keep him in line with the wants within the communities hierarchy Until he was totaly cowed and willing to d exactly as everyone wanted, I refused a sex life bin the interests of keeping the peace, He decided that we were not going to interfere in his rights without war.

Everything done was to try and hold him in the place everyone wanted him in or the first three years after his return get him to go back to the military, the second year back I came home from a vacation to Rome to try and get my husband to take the first vacation in a time slot we hoped to make a permenant time slot for him to replace holidays and vacations in. any time between january second and march 15th.

There were other things we wereb trying to stop him from disrupting lesser senioritylives after his return, He hated second shift, We thought getting him stoped from using his high seniority to take jobs and shifts as he wanted, we had help within the local union in that endevor because many of the unions leadeship had children with less seniority than my husband had. those union officials knew the second my husband started moving fromjob to job and shift to shift their family members would be uprooted from jobs and shifts they liked So by hook and crook my husband from tje 6th of June 1985 to November 23rd 2001 was forced to stay on second shift, when he left second shift four men were sent to trama care for trying to use the threat of being beaten if my husband did not just stay on second shift and shut his trap.

At 4 am I was behind the locked front door telling my husband to go to the bank in a few hours and get money to get a hotel room until he cooled off and just did what he was told. He told those four men to get out of his face and off his property or die where they stood he was going to third shift and taking the new department. 20 minutes latter we had three ambulances and a number of police in front of my house. I was being taken to the ER with my leg broken after the front door and frame landed on me and hes standing on the top of it all yelling at me the next time I tried getting him hurt The corenor would be there to collect me with my cohorts, not the ambulance.

He had left all four dying in front of our house in under 1 minut before he delivered a side kick to the front door, His father had arrived yelling at him why couldn't he just do as he was told did everything have to be a fight with him, when was he going to be a man about anything and just accept he was not equal to anyone. he also was flattened with one punch and his own son screamed at him he was as equal to any one there.

The year before on a return from the milliniall holiday to Germany, we bhad come back with what we hoped was a solution to keep community peace after our return was so upseting before we even came home finding out my husband was hurting the community after involving the ACLU. Getting one judge who had helped try and get my husband to cooperate. To let lesser seniority have the milliniall holiday when the company needed bodies to work, He with me and his father had my husband jailed without charges and forced to work the holiday enabling others with less seniority to go with their plans.

My husband had no respect for the athority of the local courts when two deputies tried to take him into custody to get him to work as ordered by the judge. My husbandknocked both out and was threatening me with the same with his father trying to get him to wait until we came back and we coukd try somthing different for his holidays after the first of the year, We were begging judst keep the peace when two other deputies tassed him to his knees, They just had orders from the judge and sheriff. there were not going to be any charges filed or an arraignment. just waking him up daily in his cell and taking him to worke through what we had hoped was January the 8th so we could put somthing together with his union and he company to replace the millinial holiday out of everyones way. My husband had other ideas including dumping the holiday shift manager in a chip hoper after he tried to stop my husband from calling the ACLU from the plant the day after Christmas he was hurt but said noting out of terror.

Everyone knew my husband ha the right to refuse work on the holiday, We just hoped when we returnned from Bavaria he would just be quiet, sit down and listen to the plans we had made following the holiday for him to use his personal time and vacation time to repkace not going on the millinial holiday.

Before we returned The union and i had been working on a trip to st criox for the entire five weeks he had coming in vacation from January the 8th to February 5th then come home and he would not be expected back on the job for another five weeks usingpersonal time and he could do as he pleased with that time. We came backto the judge in custody since the second. the local union president resigning and retiring before he was impeached and removed.the sheriff was called before the county council and requiered to resign his office and retire. People with less seniority than my husband who were told they had to work if my husband refused the holiday with the highest seniority in his department were placed on disiplinary furlogh without pay. several were flat out terminated. My husband for two weeks work received over 22000, 3 times what he should have received for the holiday triple time All to try and stop the hell my husband was raising at work about how his rights had been crushed,

He was waiting to pick us up when we came home, all I was hoping was he would just listen to our proposal about St. Croix, just take the 1300 euro gift we had all chiped in for and find some way to work with him about existing in the community under our rules in peace. He has never looked at the gift, He had gifts for me and the family that told us exactly what he thought of our trying to keep him in the place we thought he should be greatfull for. The night before we came back he took a sovel and a box and went from yard to yard scooping up the leavings from dogs into the box which he wrapped and put my name on it saying that gift was my worth as a sponge wife.

He gave it to me in the airport parking lot and it had to be run to a dumpster. TThen he said he had a good gift for his parents at teir house. said its just what his father always wanted.

We arrived to the sheriff trying to get [eople to leave. My husband took his coat and shirts off displaying the scaring from before we ever met. his mother and i thought it was some accident incured while he was in the Army since he would never talk about it.

He walked up to a wagon wheel and put his hands at 10 and two..

He said finish what you started in 1972 dad, this tie instead of lamp cord here is a real whip. then he asked who had the guts to tie him to the wheel so his father could whip the uppity nig***.

I saw his mother get so sick his father just threw down the bullwhip saying his son was never satisfied to cause pain. and misery and just try any thing that bennifited others it haunted us about what my husband had said that day about finishing what his father had started in 1972. In 2014 under court order to be in family cousiling we discovered what had happene in 1972. Ina football practic before the first game the four seniors were told the coach had to put them on second string to allow four sophomores that had fathers on the school board to be placed in the starting positions. Thanks to my husband and thhe three other seniors those younger players quit the team in fear the seniors would break thier necks in one of the practices. after that practice his father and the four other fathers knocked my husband out and to teach him a lesson to respect his betters tied him to a tree and whiped him with lamp cord cutting him down to his spine and ribs before leaving him tied their over night.
we were shown pictures of what an airforce surgon found two days later and it made us sick. His father just said he needed to learn respect for his betters. By that time my husband had come home one evening and did not give me any choice about sex. He came home on an evening that i had accepted an invitation to accompany his fathers best friend to a community awards dinner, My husband had just come home from the regional mental health center with no intention of respecting the wishs of others especialy me.

I waspleading for him to take 2 100 dollar bills going and have a nice dinner of his own and i would with his father, mother and his fathers best friend meet him after the community awards dinner where we could all sit down and have a civil talk about how to get things about rights over privlige solved finaly.

He told me he cared less about those with what i felt were privliged in our life he was taking what had been due as my husband for 32 years and i could cry, fight and begg it made no difference that evening he was the only person that mattered under the roof he had paid for with sweat and somtimes blood, Zthat i was going to give him what I had owed. his rigfhts as a husband and my obediance and nobody else had a say I tried running next door but he caught my dress and tore it off then started wth my underwear tearing it off until i was just holding what was left tyo me crying begging that things had not had to come to this, all we needed was a little cooperation from him and not spit in our collective facesover whar we felt were privleges he was not getting, we just wanted him to adjust his agenda. He took from me what he felt was due in sex forcing his way, Threw me the phone and dared me to call 911. go ahead get my cash cow jailed. He was taking what was due him from that second on from everyone unless I stopped him. his fathers friend started pounding on the door at that point yelling was I ready and was shocked silly when my husband answered and told him to todder off his parents would meet him at the dinner but I was indisposed and not going.

Tje friend said he was coming in to talk to me that my crippled husband should move out of his way because he was coming in. My husband said not without a badge or warrent, then his fathers friend was snatched off his feet trying to push past my husband and went flying off the deck over the rail straight at his arriving parents car All i heard was the screach of tires, his father begging my husband to come help his friend who was hurt bad.

?Then I heard his mother beg not to be hurt if she came to talk to me she found me in my dressing gown sitting on the bed crying and hurting. she saw my shreded outfit all over the living room and sat down beside me asking if what we had don the last 28 years was worth this outcome.
She suggested i go ahead and do as my husband said and call 911 and get a rape kit done..

I just asked why had things needed to come to this when decades before all anyone was asking was cooperation in the community. this did not have to happen in force and hate when all that was needed was a little give on his part. Until my husband died in june of last year there was never any give from him to the community. it was just what his rights within it were that bhad been denied and taken.

Is it more important for a man to take his rights no matter who its interfering with, or shpould any one just give up those rights and just try and work other ways out.

Leave

Submitted by Rose on October 1, 2019 - 5:10pm

I climbed over a mountain to leave my abuser. I knew my life was in danger the moment I really stood up to him. I left with the clothes on my back. Many people didn't support me but some did. I got further abused but eventually made it and never returned. Well I did once due to my sister telling me to work it out. It was worse. Then I walked out of there again and on down the road. My siblings did not support me or my dad though he let me stay some at his house. People didn't understand abuse but I went to a women's crisis center that helped me work out being educated more on abuse issues. Find a way to leave. My soul was going to die. I had to leave.

Limit your time with those that don't understand abuse

Submitted by TonTon on June 19, 2020 - 11:58pm

Limit your time with those that don't understand abuse. They are most likely enabling it. The people I find that make good friends don't blame the victims for experiencing abuse. These are also the foundation that you can use to stand up to and get away from abuse. It takes a while to find people like this in your life particularly if you come from a toxic background but you only need one person to make a start on this.

When my husband decided to

Submitted by cally on December 7, 2020 - 5:57pm

When my husband decided to start fighting for what he felt were his rights in 1999 he also became vindictive, anti conservitive in his politics. went square into the face of family and friends opinion many time when crossed by one of us trying to get him to do what we felt was right. A combat martial arts trained man holding a third dan black belt, two military services the army and navy. A man that cared less about the needs of friends and family in time off. shifts. Jobs and other seniority problems he caused wanting to use his seniority in his UAW plant as he saw fit not careing about social and family status of lesser seniority in his plant. All we were asking him to do was consider the needs of others before just deciding he wanted a position, vacation slot or take weekends and holidays off when the ovrtime would have made other people with children have to work instead by seniority.

The final straw for him was the millinial holidays when we had his UAW contract overiden and my husband was forced to work the holiday after being jailed and escorted to work while i with his family and other friends with less seniority onthe job went to variousmillinial celebrations around the world. Myself and his family went to Munich germany leaving him to be escorted to work every evening by sheriff deputies after getting a friend of his fathers on the county bench to issue a court order requiring him to workthe holiday.

When we returned on his 45th birthday on the 23 of december in defiance of what he felt was an illegal order he flattened two deputies preventing him from going on the flight the escorted him to his job every evening for two weeks out of the county jail.

Then he got the Idea to involve the aclu while we were in the celebrations, started ruining commun9ity leaders lives for either their actions or inaction over the seniority union contract clauses. His union president had to resign and retire because he did not press his union rights by seniority, he chose to let us handle it through the court.

We even had called his union and company to find out how things went at work while we were gone and found he had just sat down on the job with a book and refused to produce the parts bank needed for assembly startup on the second of january saying the company should have forced the youngest qualified seniority before him.

His experiance was more than the lower ten people inthe department. he wou;d down the macvhins until they were looked at by skilled trades tjat were not available due to the holiday. I had come up with a fully paid holiday and vaxation to offer in place of the trip to germany and other time off he should have had in the past, The first three months of 2000 six weeks in st Criox, starting the weekend agfter his 45th birthday, all he had to do was accept the companys and everyones solution for the replacement time and drop a very large pay grievance that had younger seniorityb fired or placed on diciplinary layoff the first six months to pay for the grievance presented by the national union in his nam. my husband made ocer 23thousand for doing nothing in his job for two weeks over our just trying to see everyone else had a good holiday, it was one man who would have had five to ten lesser seniority work if he took the holiday.

It was not that the family and I did not want my husband to not have time off the job for R and R we just wanted him to forget that he had more seniority than most of the plant when hee returned from his military leave in 1985 and consider oother people before himself. We were just asking that he temper his wants to better suite the areas social structure by not prdssing for the best times and pushing the holidays for himself. We always made suggestions for the time between the holiday shutdown to the end of march that he could have had time oiff without causing any other problems with the community just because he had more time on the books as an employee.

If he was not getting what he wanted in time off he would not even try it our way, and then make everyones life such a miserable time when we did come back from the vacations and holidays. In 2000 on his birthday we came from Germany with a very nice 1300 euro gift, I had been talking with the company and the union and arranging for five weeks on St. Croix as his holiday and vacation with me. We landed the morning of his birthday to the most hatefull homecoming ever. He refused to even look at the expernsive gift we had bought back for him, We were going to take hime out to the nicest place in te state capitol for his birthday, that to was turned down with the nasty greeting he had in store for us for interfering in the holiday he wanted off by having him jailed. My Christmas gift was what he went out the night before we came back and shoveled out of yards that dogs left with a note that said that gift was my worth as a wife. We puylled into his fathers drive with a crowd gathered, He had cemented a wagon wheel upright with ties for his wrists and took his coat and shirts oiff declaring that his father prove what he was to te community by whipping tge uppity slave until he was dead on the wheel called hin the worst of the KKK and the rest of us could participate in his clavern by aasisting his father in the whipping that return home was the worst homecoming until 2006 when because I stole his passport and turned it over to his father to hold in his safe depisit until wew came back for another attempt at getting him to try January as a vacation slot I watched my husband ytake his father and slam him off the pavement in the airport screaming at him he will hand his passport back or die as i beged to have him stop the violence he turned on me and screamed i had no right to give it to his father and he backhanded me yewlling get home to my mother to trake care of since i was never going to be a real wife. all the hate and pin caused for 3 decades oewr trying tio get him just once to try and try a holiday vacation time our way. In 2008 when weapons were used t force him to work on thansgivi he broke a friends face with his own shotgun puting him in the ER thebn drew down on his father and three others it took a deputy beggibng for six hours to lay theytaken shotgun down and not open up on his father and three others for just trying to get him to work the holiday when the uynion had hi forced on christmas because the deacon who claimed church need over the holiday. On christnas morning my husband was at work but had arranged for the entire congregation and the deacons wife kearned ghe was cheatng on his wife on Christmas morning. The next summer i was planing a trip to his father and i became scared he would kill us if we went without him to hawaii we canceled the summer vacation to Hawaii. Just to avoid the trouble caused over trying to get himto wait for a different time after the first of the year, He had 32 years seniority by then In october we were having other problems trying to think of a way to incorperat him into the thanksgivinge and christmas holidays in 2009 after the union andnew sheriff informed us he was not workin g them thay years that seniority rulled, we were not given any choice about it and he suffered bad depressision, It causded the elimination of his immune system allowing MRSA to create an abscess at L4L5.

He woke up from an induced coma 3 days after the surgey that fused my husbands spine leaving him with little nerve impulse below upper legs. He was retired from the plant on January second while under morphine and vacomiasin in a rehab hospital. Over the next thrree years there wer terrible fights about not signing him out to come home for the holidays. In January 2013 qe were trying to get him to understand it was nothing against him but being in the way of the holiday plans in a wheel chair at home. ne knocked his fayther out with a thrown stainless steel bed and yelling as he threw a full urinal at me screaming at us hiow we were lice.

I did not go back to see him before it was decidedghe was coming home three months later without my permision. I was seeing another man so tued of being screamed at and even hurt for trying to see to other needs in the community and about my refusal about sex until he tried working things out with us. I arrved home at 930am the day after he as bought home by his case manager without telling me. He traped the two of us and was si smug about everything the other man though he could humiliate my husband by sweeling his 4 foot tall cane. My husband then decided the other man had existed on this earth to long and fractured his skull throwing his cane striking him in the left side shattering the area. I had to call 911 to stop my husband from completing beeating my friend to death. I was again slaped acros the room when i grabed his arm trying to restrain my husband with him yelling after he was done he was going to kill me. He was tired of everyone treating him as less than human. two wweks latter after we talked to the director of the regional mental health asking just how bad had we treated my husband with our expectations of being the better person.
He flatly told us we were the worst most unfeeling people where my husbabd was concerned. A week later the center was sending him home again without discusing it with me. I was invited to go with my husbands parents and his fatgers best frind as his date to a commnunity awards dinner, when I ran square into my husbvands chest and he had no intention of letting me or any one else dictate that evening. He was going to have wgat he felt I had denied out of malice, My husband tore every stich off me abd forced the denied sex. then he went after his fatger and his friend.

Agreed

Submitted by Neel Lamba on December 13, 2020 - 11:36am

As a man who has victimized women, I must come to terms with my behavior and gaslighting.

Don't bring guns into this.

Submitted by hey on June 6, 2017 - 6:36pm

Don't bring guns into this. Guns are not violent partners. Please try to write without a bias.

Statistics are facts

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on June 6, 2017 - 6:50pm

Of course, guns are not violent partners, but they can be dangerous in their hands, particularly if alcohol is also involved. The recommendations are only addressed to victims of intimate partner abuse.

Abuse

Submitted by John on June 6, 2017 - 9:51pm

Guns are a deadly instrument in the impulsive hands of a compromised individual, guns don't have a "right" to exist. People do.

Why not recommend that a

Submitted by Anonymous on June 7, 2017 - 6:45am

Why not recommend that a victim of abuse gets a gun to defend themselves against an abuser? This can be invaluable for exes who stalk or those the violent ones that make unexpected visits. There's no need to demonize the second amendment. Guns can be used to EMPOWER victims.

Weapons for self defense

Submitted by Mary on June 7, 2017 - 12:41pm

While that seems logical, if one is going to arm themselves they need solid weapons training. That can instill some measure of confidence, however, to actually go through the steps involved, to include training, expense, etc. can be a definite obstacle.

If a battered spouse has no experience (thus no confidence to use it properly) handling a weapon effectively, then owning one will do him or her no good. That will just increase the probability to ratchet up the violence.

The thought of arming oneself in self defense is way different than actually using one in self defense when emotions and fear are front and center. Even those personnel trained in proper weapon handling and use can find it exceedingly difficult to respond and place that bullet on target.

Unbelievable how the gun

Submitted by Felix on June 1, 2018 - 12:54am

Unbelievable how the gun kooks get triggered (no gun intended) when their precious phallus is threatened. Did you even read a word after "gun", or did you just flip into your special place? Jeepers, some of you need to grow up or get help, or both.

Guns

Submitted by Diana Everett on May 17, 2020 - 4:43am

Guns are the reason so many abuse victims are murdered. Period.

After many years of verbal

Submitted by anon on June 26, 2017 - 8:36pm

After many years of verbal abuse & occasional physical abuse, I went through the "steps" by going back to school, opening and creating bank account and credit; but one step forward, 2 steps back...as I developed a serious illness and the lawyers (3) discouraged me in proceeding as they felt I didn't make enough money to support my 2 children & myself. I only got negative feed back from my family, as they saw my husband as a "good" provider and that's all they counted to them and didn't want or couldn't have me on their door step. You didn't mention ANXIETY DISORDER as one of the major problems in bad marriages and staying in an abusive one. I feel that keeps a lot of people stuck & frozen in relationships they know are bad but scared and fearful of the unknown & all the ramifications that come with it. Sad...because you wake up one day old and still unhappy.

You're forgetting fear

Submitted by Anon on June 27, 2017 - 12:17am

As a reason to stay with the abuser. The paralyzing, all-consuming fear of what they will do, if you leave. You live in fear for your life, every single day and only when you don't care anymore, whether you live or die, is the day you can get out..or at least it was that way, for me. And you're also forgetting PTSD, which is a very real risk, after years of abuse. Also, confronting a violent person, has nothing to do with being assertive. You can talk to them, beg them, plead with them, until you're blue in the face THEY DON'T CARE. So it has absolutely nothing to do with being assertive...and please don't negate the risk to your life, if you try being assertive to those kinds of people. The only way to assert yourself, is to leave, block them, change your phone number and never, ever, think of contacting them again!!!

Assertiveness

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, LMFT on June 29, 2017 - 5:22pm

Begging, accusing, explaining are not being assertive. It is a specific form of communication, and it takes training and courage to assertively set boundaries. It often takes outside support to even feel entitled to being treated well and knowing the words to address abuse effectively. And yes, frequently, boundaries don't work without consequences, which do require courage and support.

Agreed

Submitted by Exsugarbabe on June 16, 2018 - 3:48am

It’s maddening when people like theripists and friends think you’re trying to deal with a normal person and not a twisted one, if the other person doesn’t care you’ll never “win” or make anything better. People can be over well meaning and sugarcoat the warning signs that some people are just twisted and evil, I think our education to “ be nice” can work against us.

Agreed

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on June 16, 2018 - 12:06pm

Actually, being nice invites more abuse. My book "Dealing with a Narcissist" explains how to be strategic instead. See my blog, "How to Handle Narcissistic Abuse" and "Do's and Don'ts in Confronting Abuse" on my website.

Now You Crap On You and Me, No More

Submitted by So Mama Isn’t Crazy Anymore on July 28, 2020 - 5:30pm

Being nice invited more abuse. When I was nasty , there was also more abuse. If I was going to stay in this disgusting situation fir 22 years the meat I could have done differently would have been to ignore his garbage, negativity, games and manipulation. I am really alone with this. PLEASE don’t tell me to try therapy. I tried both marriage and individual; neither was helpful. It started to make me bitter that no matter how little therapists helped me , they were still of course entitled to get paid. I have less money because of therapy and they were happy to let me rant. Once I stopped ranting and wanted change, it became more difficult to find a therapist. I said I needed help with communication and assertiveness and they were not hearing what I needed. They had their own agenda.

Have nowhere to go

Submitted by Dana D on November 14, 2017 - 4:44am

I'm stuck in a bad marriage where I am being emotionally abused. He has said if I try to leave then he's going to get 50 percent custody of our very young son. Our County has a thing for "father's rights" and I have zero money and no income as I am a full time mom and I already depleted all of my retirement savings on my son and my own upkeep. So I don't know what I can do as I don't have credit, I can't afford a lawyer at all, I have no family in state, I live in the SF Bay Area and rent in a bad neighborhood is well over 2k a month for a 2 bedroom, and I have been assured that it will be very difficult to move to where my family is out of state with my son.

I am not allowed access to household money, my retirement is wiped out, I'm not even allowed money to go grocery shopping. Gas money comes in the form of gift cards. I've asked for marriage counseling, and he has been resistant to go.

I don't deserve this. My son deserves better. I want to leave but can't. I've spoken to free legal advice groups, and they say I need to get a lawyer.... but again I have no money.

Any advice? I'm desperate.

Have nowhere to go

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on November 14, 2017 - 4:28pm

You're being emotionally abused. Start attending CoDA meetings, and consider finding work to bring in some income. There are usually free legal services for advice and help in getting a divorce. Contact legal aid and your County courthouse for more information.

CPS

Submitted by SamLV on December 29, 2017 - 12:20am

Take your son to child protective services and explain your situation. They have the resources to help you run.

Parental Alienation

Submitted by Anonymous on October 14, 2018 - 11:27pm

Before you call CPS, research the courts in your jurisdiction. If the AFCC is strong there and the courts and social workers have been "educated" about parental alienation, be very care. The very act of calling CPS or filing for a protective order will be viewed as parental alienation. instead of believing the victim, many family law professionals choose to believe the abuser, in part because prolonging the conflict lines their pockets and in part because many of these people are as sadistic and psychopathic as the abuser you are trying to escape from. I'm not saying not to leave an abusive situation. Just be very careful you don't fall into any traps. I learned the hard way.

Emotional abuse

Submitted by Mary Sullivan on December 23, 2018 - 5:04pm

I was in a volatile relationship for many years. I used to come home from work after a long day to be called all nasty names. I stuck it out too long hoping he would change but its us that need changing. They don't care so we must try and leave. In the UK we have safe houses for mums with children you don't have to put up with this try and move for both you and your son. You don't want him to learn bad behaviour from his dad. Good luck it will be hard but by taking the first step and going is your first step to recovering from this unhealthy relationship. I stayed too long and live with anxiety that never goes away lost my job put into custody it was a nightmare

HELP FOR ME

Submitted by Abuser on January 8, 2018 - 11:50am

I was in an abusive relationship and i am the abuser. We are no longer together and I have been trying to find help for my condition. All i find is articles such as this one that tells me I AM a certain way and have a certain psychological profile, etc etc. My abuse always came from feelings of inadequacy in myself and the fact my partner could definitely find someone better. I would see it coming and try to prevent it but I would react before i could think. Eventually, I told my partner she had to leave if i ever did anything again. Well one fight happened and I kicked her in the leg. She didn't leave me, and i was so upset with myself i grabbed all of my things and left in the middle of the night. I haven't talked to the love of my life in a month now. I have been trying to find help for my condition and i have no idea what to look for. I was seeing a therapist a while ago and i wanted Anger Management, he said my issue was that i was compulsive and that Anger Management is for murderers. Idk what to do will someone please help me.

Keep asking for help

Submitted by JP on January 14, 2018 - 6:51am

Abuser - I applaud your honesty and desire for help. We need more men to be like you. First I am not a professional, I am just someone who does a lot of reading and watching videos. My take is you have some demons you need to exorcise - this is your long term goal and can take years to work through. Your first steps should be knowing your triggers and getting them under control. Don't let everyday aggravations control you. I recommend practicing anything that requires discipline - for me it's yoga but many men prefer martial arts. I don't see a lot of advice for abusers but occasionally something pops up on my radar so I know there is a lot of work being done in this area. I do watch a life coach on youtube who you might relate to, Richard Grannon Spartanlifecoach - he used to have anger management issues but his main focus is recovering from Narc abuse. Maybe his videos on emotional literacy and processing emotions can be helpful. You can also do a search on help for abuser recovery and see if anything good comes up.
Good luck and don't give up - its worth all the work to find internal peace and then the right loving partner.

Anger management

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on January 14, 2018 - 2:22pm

I thought I previously replied to you. Your therapist is mistaken. You can definitely benefit from anger management in a group setting (some are court approved) or in individual therapy. Often it's the result of childhood trauma and shame. Aggression is a defense to shame. See my book on "Conquering Shame." Healing the shame and dealing with your original rage should help develop compassion for yourself and others.

You know how rare it is for

Submitted by Jody on January 19, 2018 - 3:59pm

You know how rare it is for someone to do what you did? You're ready for change if you were able to warn her and leave. Not all therapist are going to work well for you. So keep looking. Also, realize that this will be a long battle but worth it. It's common for people to stop therapy when it really starts to touch a nerve. Abusive behavior masks really deep pain. Expect it to come up and be ready to address it.

One thing that is widely understood is that pain is very much stuck in our body. Talk therapy is very important, especially in understanding your behavior, motivations and origins. But doing any kind of body work (massage, acupuncture, exercise, yoga, etc.) is very important. The idea being that it's only through the body that trauma can be tackled. Do this regularly in conjunction with talk therapy. It's also important to express certain thoughts productively, like through art or journaling. You never know, you might find you love one or more of those activities and they'll become lifelong lifesavers.

Good luck.

Help for abusers

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on January 8, 2018 - 3:44pm

You can definitely get help with anger management. Look for groups or specialists in your area. Your therapist is incorrect.

other classification

Submitted by Dana Williams on June 9, 2018 - 4:47pm

What kind of abuse would you classify forced early menapause and the removal of rights to her own body termed as?

Instead of reflecting males being abusers, which there are , I believe that females can be just as abusive, if not more, in various different ways.

In my humble opinion.

Abusive women

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on June 9, 2018 - 5:00pm

Absolutely, and they especially are more abusive with their more vulnerable children. This is usually because they were, and it gets handed down.

"handed down"

Submitted by Lee on July 21, 2018 - 1:19pm

Thank you for mentioning "handed down" in your last response.

My last relationship was mutually abusive. After it ended (and when I was still very much in denial) I started trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with my ex.

What I found was truly a eye opening experiance. it helped me emensly with my recovery from the mutual abuse.

I guess I can describe the process as a kind of reverse engineering. I couldn't help but go over and over in my mind the scenarios that played out in that relationship. I had to be honest and except responsible for my actions, attacks verbally and emotionally. At first it was a lot easier for me to see what my ex did to me and it took time to own up to my role.

As I went over the details I realized I had been through all this before. I couldn't blame it all on my ex or ex's for that matter. They have no connection to each other besides me.

I continued to unwind this huge ball of knotted twine that is my life. In doing so I stumbled across "Repetition Compulsion". I'm not a big fan of psychoanalysis but Repetition Compulsion makes sense to me when compared to my situation(s). And Repetition Compulsion has been greatly expanded on since it's introduction. In short, it's the compulsion to repeat, recreate or reconstruct past events (usually traumatic) in the here and now. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and this makes perfect sense to me.

While repetition compulsion helped me understand some of what drives me, there were still gaps, a gnawing in my gut that said there is more and I have to know the answers.

As I keep searching, un-winding, unknotting my life I discovered emotional incest. This for me was a significant breakthrough. Of course I was looking for what my ex's issues were so it was easier for me to see that they all had a very close bond be it positive or negative to their parent of the opposite sex. The parent of the same sex seemed much less significant or even annoying to them.

Of course in trying to be honest with myself I had to apply the same scrutiny to myself. And there it is. It was always infront of me. I could see all the pieces but it was like looking at a ten thousand piece puzzle tossed out of a box into a tornado.

As I continued to unravel I experienced feelings emotional and physical that were uncomfortable. With the help of a therapist I finally feel like I'm finding the answers I've been looking for.

Both Repetition Compulsion and Emotional Incest helped me connect the dots and see how patterns can be passed down for generations.

I'm truly remorseful that my partner's and I had to go through the relationships and experiences we did.

I'm thankful to my ex's for guiding me through the process of seeing what the hell was wrong with "them".

Your absolutely right. It can be handed down, is handed down and will be handed down if not addressed.

Abuse

Submitted by NV in Idaho on November 7, 2018 - 6:13pm

I have been with my husband for a little over 3 years now, married for 1 of them. He has always had violent out bursts in the mornings from time to time. They were always lots of yelling and throwing things like a temper-tantrum. I learned long ago to just let him rage and eventually he would calm down and apologize for his actions. This last 8 months I hate mornings. He wakes up angry almost every day and rants and raves about how we all use him, we (me and my children who are all adults and on their own) are worthless, greedy and have run "his" life into the ground. Every thing is our fault. 8 months ago in one of his fits he got in my face to provoke me because I am not a fighter. I do not yell, scream or anything. To me it is a waste of time and only makes things worse. Well if I talk it pisses him off and if I say nothing it pisses him off. Well when he got in my face and I didn't respond back he pinned me against the wall. He never hit me but did hit a solid wood cupboard and broke his hand pretty bad. This last 1-2 months he is angry every morning. On 11/5/2018 he was very angry and proceeded to spit in my face again yelling. I asked him to please quit and he lunged at me and chest bumped me with such force it knocked me across the kitchen in into the cupboards as I fell to the floor. It hurt my right arm and scraped it pretty good. He proceeded to threaten me with divorce and to go ahead and call the cops. He is a good man and can be so sweat but I do not know what to do with this morning rage any more. I do not anger or scare easy. I am starting to think that I may need to seek some help because is anger is progressing. I just do not know what to do or if there is help for him that will not send him over the edge in anger. How do I approach him to get help????

Boundaries

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on November 7, 2018 - 7:35pm

He is escalating and becoming violent. Placating invites more abuse. There is no consequence for his bad behavior. You're the one who needs professional help to set limits, protect yourself, and to enforce boundaries with consequences. His "goodness" does not excuse his mistreatment of you. Attend CoDA meetings, get therapy, and employ the suggestions in my ebooks on assertiveness and "Dealing with a Narcissist...and Difficult People."

Sort of helpful

Submitted by Emily on February 14, 2019 - 6:03pm

While you can sometimes spot a bad temper during the dating/honeymoon phase, I have observed the abusers in my family bend over backwards to appear selfless and generous while trying to impress new friends or prospective romantic partners. They only show their real self when the think they have you. That is why I am wary of people who make a show of being virtuous and especially if they talk about themselves as being a good person, caring, sensitive, etc.

I got stuck in my current mess by not realizing a sibling was just like an abusive parent. They always claim to be the victim because they can't tolerate the fact that their behavior lowers my opinion of them. If I get angry thst they syelled at me, they claim to be mistreated. They will say that a child or baby animal "made" them commit violence. I am finally learning just how bad my adult sibling is after they got control of my finances and I have nowhere to go with my dependants.

Physical & verbal abuse ,need help urgently

Submitted by Mrs murugan on March 8, 2019 - 11:46pm

Marriage has been in turmoil for 2 years now got worse, husband tries to blame me . Tells everyone I'm suffering from depression. Told my son I'm suicidal. No intimacy, recently found his stash of viagra. He's aloof &distant. Loves going to work hates weekends. Last night he took a knife to stab me when we were alone. I hate him . We have interrupts against each other,no sex marriage. Please help

Violence

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on March 10, 2019 - 12:11pm

Don't wait for the next attack. Prepare now. Call 1-800-799-SAFE. You need to take the steps outlined in this article. Get a therapist, a doctor, and lawyer, and find a place to be safe.

Tips on how to respond

Submitted by 2667 on June 1, 2019 - 2:14pm

Victims who are searching the internet for a solution to their fear, take note: this isn't your responsibility to fix. It's your responsibility to get out of this, even if it's the last thing you want to do.

Unfortunately, I've been in a relationship with domestic abuse. Fortunately, I just got out. While I was in it, I scoured the internet for ways that I (the victim) could "fix" the problem. At the beginning of this post, it provides tips on "How to Respond."

Ignore that advice. This isn't a psychological minefield for you to navigate. You'll always lose. I've tried it all. As it says at the end of the post:
Don't wait for the next attack. TELL SOMEONE! They will help you. Make the first move and the rest comes afterward.

Document any abuse you've received in any way you can. For me, getting out of the situation was eye-opening - I realize that before, I wasn't protecting myself or my daughter for the sake of protecting my abuser. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. You can do it. Don't wait for the next attack.

"You can't stop crazy, you can only respond to it."

Help for abused who turned abuser?

Submitted by Confused both on July 28, 2019 - 11:35pm

I am a victim of child abuse who recently committed assault against a domestic partner, after having been emotionally abused and sexually coerced by him for 10 years. While there is no excuse for the method I chose to end things, I am quite confused by articles like this: EITHER we are the abuser, OR the abused.... but never both at once it seems.

What would you recommend to disentangle such a mess?

I recognize what I did in some paragraphs. In others, I see what he did to me. I believe we DID try to hear each other at one point but resentment took over.

The manipulations described here seem intentional by nature, but in our relationship I believed they were accidental on his part: due to ignorance.

What to do? We are no longer together, but how do I heal when I have been on both sides in a single relationship? I feel invalid, like hitting him means I deserved every bad thing he did to me after all.

Dear Darlene,

Submitted by Pennyforthethought on October 16, 2019 - 3:19pm

Dear Darlene,

I am writing this as someone who has, so to speak, seen both sides of the coin. I have worked in domestic violence and in mental health services (I have Social Work, Sociology and Psychology qualifications), and have also grown up and lived in dysfunctional families. I am adding this as I have already left a reply to a comment made by someone called 'Chris', which you had responded to, as well.

I came across your article, and found it food for thought. I totally appreciate - and to some extent agree - with your argument that a person who is being abused needs to speak up about the abuse and tell someone. I agree that targets of abuse do need to seek support and assistance - professional, if needs be. However, where I find we may, perhaps, diverge is in our understanding of how easy it may be for a victim of abuse to do this.

I note that you have responded to some of the comments beneath this article. I appreciate that you are trying to help, by suggesting a person contacts a lawyer, or a therapist, or some other service. The problem I have is not a criticism of your advice to a person, suggesting they do this, it is rather an expression of my own exasperation and concern, which comes from knowing (and working in) these services, and knowing that they are overstretched, underfunded, and frequently very hard for abuse victims to get support from.

Having been both a victim of abuse (the family I grew up in, plus also abuse off my in-laws) and also a professional working in such fields as mental health, prison services, and a womens' refuge, I find it difficult to wrap my head around the huge disparity existing between the numbers of people needing such services, and the actual number of services. Refuges and safe houses, in particular, are pretty few and far-between when we actually stop to consider the number of people needing them. Having researched in this area, I have come across evidence that indicates some areas of the country totally lack such facilities. Victims often have to travel, sometimes at huge expense to themselves, to find safe accommodation. Even so, they can often only remain there for a time-limited period. Then what?

An absence of services to cater for the needs of domestic violence victims is but part of the problem. My biggest concern is that many of the people working in these services have NO personal experience whatsoever of living with domestic violence. All that they know and understand - or believe they know and understand - comes from textbooks, second-hand evidence, tutorials, anecdotes. For anyone who has a modicum of sociological education, and has come across the works of, say, any of the major phenomenologists, we know that LIVED EXPERIENCE is hugely important. For example, Judith Butler talks about the embodiment of sex and gender and how these are played out. Husserl saw phenomenology as reflective of consciousness, and the way our lived experience shapes this. Black authors such as Davies or Crenshaw saw lived experience as important because it permits us to explore and account for intersectionality. This latter point is significant when contemplating domestic violence.

A person with lived experience of existing within a violent, abusive or dysfunctional household knows firsthand just what this feels like. It is easy, perhaps, for somebody with no lived experience to advise a domestic violence victim to go tell somebody, to leave, to set up a bank account, to go get a job (all advice found either within your article, or within the comments section below). They may even do this fully intending to help and being well-meaning, but without acknowledging the huge risk that such actions pose to a victim of domestic violence, such assistance may fall short. Whist hypothetically it appears so easy to say to somebody 'call a lawyer' or 'go see a counsellor at marriage guidance' or something similar, and imagine that a person can then go do this, the sad reality is that within a situation of domestic violence, the victim may wish to do such things but there are genuine reasons why they may not actually get to do them. I have outlined an explanation of this in the response I gave to Chris's comment. Suffice it to say that any abuser - who is, of course, abusive, aggressive, manipulative, devious, possessive, defensive... any abuser who shows abusive behaviours is hugely likely to go out of the way to prevent exposure of any abuse. So, when a victim attempts to seek help, he or she is most at RISK (see again what I wrote to Chris, and I can back up the claims made with hard evidence from research papers, if required).

Just think about the actual situation of abuse, and its dynamics. So, you have (for example) a victim who has been isolated from family and friends, who may have been prevented from accessing a bank account and finances, who is not allowed a car, whose mobile phone and computer are hacked so the abuser can spy on them, who is prevented from holding down a job, and who has two sons plus a dog with the abuser. This poor victim REALLY DOES want to leave, but to be able to do so she had to find accommodation, pay all the bills, keep her kids and dog safe, maybe get a job - but first of all, get out of the house with her kids and dog and important possessions without the abuser knowing, find somewhere safe to stay (indefinitely), get food and drink and clothes for the immediate future, make sure she had important items like passport etc,. and not disrupt the kids' education too much. Just how much of a tall order is that? Now, imagine that the abuser has a history of stalking, hangs around the victim's parents' house, hangs around her friends' houses, steals the car keys, threatens to dump the dog at a shelter, threatens to get custody of the kids, and then worst of all, threatens the victim with a knife. Imagine the abuser has a history of collecting knives and guns. Because THIS is the REALITY of some situations of abuse. Probably a lot of them.

Now, imagine the victim tries to call the police, but they at first just fob her off. Then, later, she tries again, but this time the abuser lies to the police and says she is 'crazy', and then tries to convince the police she is a danger to her own kids, claiming that because she smacked her son last week (which is true, but happened because her son was spitting and being naughty) she is herself an abuser. The real abuser exaggerates claims of his wife's craziness and smacking her kids so that the police do not now know who the TRUE abuser is. So they do little. Then the victim tries to call a lawyer, but the abuser checks her mobile phone, and demands to know who she was calling, or else he will kick the dog and lock it in the shed. This makes the kids cry, so she ends up giving her abuser the phone. He then smashes it to stop her calling the lawyer. Then he kicks the dog and locks it in the shed anyway, AND he smacks the kids and sends them to bed for crying. Then he goes to the family computer, dragging his wife by the hair, and demands to know how she got the name and number of a lawyer. He slaps her, and insists that she lets him know what all her computer passwords are, or he will throw the computer away. Imagine, now that the victim tries in secret to go back to the police, who suggest she goes to a payphone to call the lawyer. But the victim has no money to do this anyway, and she dare not leave the house for long. Still, she finally gets to make a call at the pay phone, but is spotted by her husband's friend. When she gets home, her abusive husband demands to know what she was doing at the pay phone, and because she refuses to tell him, he smashes her favourite china ornaments, before kicking her hard in the shins. He will not hit or kick her anywhere else, because he knows that if he hurts her shins, he can lie and say the bruises were because she is clumsy and bumped into a table. He ALWAYS uses excuses like this. Then he shouts at the kids and sends them to bed with no tea - as punishment because the WIFE was 'behaving badly'. The next day he locks her in the house. He has already dumped the dog at the local park.

Think this sort of thing is not what could happen? THIS is the REALITY of abuse. I have used imaginary scenarios, but the sorts of things I described are the sorts of things that have both happened to me, and to people I worked with. Now try to imagine that the abuser is seen by many people in the community where he lives as a 'nice guy'. He is a fireman, and he goes to church every Sunday. He is always dressed in smart clothes, and he always speaks politely to friends and neighbours. Meanwhile, he claims his wife is 'menopausal and moody' and is 'going crazy'. WHO would YOU believe if this poor woman told you she was being abused? Especially if there was hardly any evidence of abuse - just some bruises that the abuser claims are because his wife is clumsy, and a missing dog that the abuser claims ran off because one of the kids forgot to shut the garden gate. THIS is the REALITY.

And what if the victim of this abuse could not afford a private lawyer because she has no financial access of her own? What if she cannot get a job, because her abusive husband tracks her wherever she goes? What if the last time she applied for a job, he sabotaged her chance of getting it by stealing the letter that told his wife she had an interview, and then lying to her by telling her the company had phoned to say the vacancy was already filled? What if the one job she'd had ended up getting ruined, because her abuser befriended her boss and started going to golf with him, telling the boss that his wife really wanted to resign because she could not cope with child care pressures? What if the wife did not want to resign, but the abuser convinced her boss she did? What if, then, the abusive husband started up rumours in the community and especially at church that his wife had a crush on the boss, and was trying to start an affair? What if the abuser started phoning his wife at work every day, all day, accusing her? What if he then made an anonymous call to the work Human Resources team accusing his wife and the boss of having an affair? What if, a few weeks later, the husband and wife went to a work function together, and there, the abusive husband came straight out and accused his wife of chasing after her boss? What if this continued to the point that he stalked his wife on the way to and from work? So that in the end, she became so ashamed of herself at work, that to stop the ugly rumours of an affair, she handed in her resignation?

What if there was no access to alternative finances for this abused woman? What if her parents refused to believe she was being abused? What if there were no overnight safe houses or refuges that she could access? What if she believed that if she left, her abuser would take the kids? What if her abuser convinced the police, plus friends and family, that his wife was a liar? What if he then told HIS work colleagues that HIS WIFE was abusive TO HIM? That since she had begun the menopause, she got moody, shouted at him, refused to kiss and cuddle him, even rejected him?

Having worked in the jobs I have worked in, and with some of the people I have worked with, I know for a FACT that the above is a pretty accurate (albeit put together) description of what may go on when domestic abuse occurs in a household. Yes, I am not writing about an actual single case - but my examples of behaviour do come from a variety of real life sources including cases I have worked with, accounts I have read, and research papers. Out of these, I have put together a hypothetical scenario to demonstrate what actually goes on in abuse.

Knowing this, perhaps it becomes easier to understand why victims find it so hard to speak up and leave. Why they are so much at risk if they do. Whilst arguing that talking to somebody about abuse is a good idea - and it likely is - we must still try to comprehend the fact that it is also enormously risky and fraught with problems. For every woman who actually gets help if she speaks out, there is likely to be another who does not - and perhaps yet another who finds it makes the situation worse.

We should not blame victims for their seeming inability to escape victimhood, as though through want of courage, or assertiveness, or similar they bring victimhood upon themselves. Instead, we should understand the complex and tangled dynamics that are actually at play in cases of domestic violence, and which can serve to make the talk of seeking help and leaving so much harder. We should understand that when such situations arise, it is so much easier for an outsider to give advice, than it is for the victim of abuse to take it. Not because they are cowardly or weak or ignorant. Rather, because they have the LIVED EXPERIENCE of abuse that affords them that peculiar insight into a situation which they may desperately want to leave, but which in attempting to leave, becomes more dangerous. It is NOT stupidity, cowardice or anything NEGATIVE that keeps victims in limbo - it is their KNOWLEDGE AND INSIGHT AND UNDERSTANDING. Only they can truly know what is going on and what is at stake. To change this, they have to evaluate risk and benefit, weigh options, consider potential outcomes - all of which are activities calling for skill, calm and presence of mind. Yet they have to do this whilst in a situation where their very lives may be at risk.

Now, think on that!

Victims

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on October 20, 2019 - 4:24pm

I am certainly not blaming victims of abuse and there is no judgment in calling someone a victim. Perhaps you feel that. It's true that there are insufficient resources available and that an abuser may escalate. However, research shows that consequences are the strongest deterrent. Most abusers will at least try to control their impulses at work. However, there are degrees of abuse and mental illness. There are also some malignant, sociopathic abusers. This is not the majority.

I am not writing only as a clinician, but also was a victim of abuse and very well know how hard it is to leave. Also, the courts did not protect me.

Usually there is ambivalence for many reasons. Some clients are able to safely leave but choose not to. I could not leave without the support, love and help I received in 12-Step programs as well as in therapy. No two situations are the same, and I have only compassion for those who feel trapped.

Goodbye. Much better

Submitted by Traci63 on February 12, 2020 - 5:10pm

And if that's not enough, I'm starting another sort of company which will be more rewarding.

In regards to confrontation

Submitted by Francis on March 27, 2020 - 12:25pm

I am concerned with the statement in this article which advises confronting the abuse as a way of stopping it. From my knowledge, the ISSUE of abuse should be confronted-by seeking help, BUT confronting one's abuser directly in a fight could escalate the abuser's behavior and if there's violence, this could be dangerous.

Confrontation

Submitted by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT on March 28, 2020 - 12:42pm

It all depends on how. See my several blogs on this subject about the Do's and Don'ts of confrontation; e.g. never argue or attack back. Confrontations can be at other times as well. See my ebook, "Dealing with a Narcissist."

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