Why You Might Always Feel Like It’s Your Fault

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When a friend cancels plans, do you immediately wonder if it’s because of something you said or did? When a workmate seems curt in an email, do you think, "Are they upset with me?" When your partner seems distant, does your mind race to figure out how you’ve upset them?

You could be experiencing personalization, the silent thief of peace that tricks you into believing that every undesirable thing others do is a comment on you. It could be a delayed text response, a conversation between friends you weren’t immediately included in, or an Instagram story about a seemingly fun event that you weren’t invited to. Do you perceive scenarios like this as evidence that the world feels you are less than others? This indicates self-centeredness but not arrogance—in fact, quite the opposite.

Personalization, a common and debilitating cognitive distortion, is the tendency to attribute external events to oneself, even when there’s little or no evidence to support that interpretation. It’s not just assuming blame; it’s overestimating our role in situations and taking things personally that aren’t personal at all. This act of self-blame can arise as a way to manage discomfort or make sense of the world. It stems from a need to manage anxiety and control the narrative.

Consider Emily, a 36-year-old woman who constantly asked her husband, “Are you OK?” At first, her husband thought it was sweet that she was so attentive. But over time, her persistent questioning began to frustrate him. “I’d tell her I was fine,” he said during one of their therapy sessions. “But no matter what I said, she didn’t seem to believe me.”

For Emily, her husband’s moods were a barometer of her sense of worth. If he seemed tired, distracted, or quiet, her mind instantly raced to the possibility that she had done something wrong. She’d scan her recent actions for evidence, like a radar screen: Was it a comment she made, a tone she used, an errand she forgot? The real question Emily was asking was: “Am I OK?”

Emily’s case highlights a core truth about personalizing: It doesn’t emerge out of nowhere. It’s often rooted in deeper psychological patterns. They could stem from trauma, early-childhood experiences, being raised by parents who are narcissistic or have other personality disorders, or simply implicit personality traits.

Emily grew up with a narcissistic father who blamed her for every conflict in their household. If he came home angry, he’d say it was because she hadn’t cleaned her room properly. If she hadn’t spoken to him in the “right” tone, he felt disrespected. Over time, Emily internalized the belief that she was the cause of any tension around her. This belief followed her into adulthood, shaping how she navigated her relationships.

On a broader level, personalization can stem from cognitive biases—the brain’s tendency to look for patterns and assign meaning to events. It’s also tied to perfectionism, which makes people believe they must control every outcome. People who are anxiously attached—that is, hyper-attuned to others’ emotions and seeing themselves as the likely cause of distress—are also susceptible to personalization.

The good news is that personalization, like all cognitive distortions, can be challenged and reframed. My individual sessions with Emily revealed an exhausting internal monologue of self-doubt and insecurity that was potentially formed in her unsafe childhood home. She learned that if she did not accurately read her father’s mood and react appropriately, the ensuing rage would be terrifying. She discovered the world was decidedly “not OK” if she stepped on a psychological landmine she couldn’t anticipate.

How to Challenge Personalization

1. Develop Cognitive Flexibility. Personalization thrives on rigid thinking—believing it must be about me. Emily practiced identifying alternative explanations for her husband’s moods. Instead of assuming his quietness meant he was upset with her, she considered that he might just be tired or stressed from work. To decrease negative assumptions, I encouraged the couple to ask each other more questions. Over time, this helped Emily expand her perspective and ease her anxiety.
2. Build a Tolerance for Uncertainty. Emily often felt uncomfortable when she couldn’t read her husband’s mind, which drove her to seek constant reassurance. Learning to sit with uncertainty—reminding herself that she didn’t need to know the answer right away—helped her resist the urge to personalize. Conversely, once I identified Emily’s extreme personalization, her husband became more attuned and would preemptively share his thoughts and mood.
3. Set Boundaries with Reassurance-Seeking. Emily’s habit of constantly asking, “Are you OK?” significantly stressed her marriage. To address this, she set an internal boundary: Instead of immediately asking her husband for reassurance, she would take a moment to self-soothe, such as taking a few deep breaths or simply petting their cat. She reflected on her thoughts and feelings and clarified what was driving her need for reassurance, which helped her check her behavior.
4. Strengthen Your Sense of Self. Personalization often stems from a perceived external locus of control, meaning your sense of worth depends on how others perceive you. Emily was so hypervigilant about other people’s opinions that she had little headspace left for self-reflection. She was too busy worrying about what everyone else thought. Emily slowly began journaling about her accomplishments, reflecting on her values, and practicing self-compassion. This helped her feel more grounded and less reliant on other people’s approval.

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As Emily worked through these strategies, she began to notice a shift. Her husband no longer felt pressured to reassure her, which gave their relationship space to grow and pivot. More importantly, Emily felt freer—less weighed down by the belief that she was responsible for everyone else’s emotions. “It’s like I can finally step back and look around. I can breathe,” she said.

Personalization is sneaky. It convinces us that we’re at the center of every problem, telling us that things would be different if we were more intelligent, kinder, or better in some way. In truth, the world is messier and more complex than the stories we tell ourselves. Leaving that narrative behind is how emotional curiosity and authentic connection with ourselves and others can grow.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.