Does Playing Hard-to-Get Actually Work?

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Playing "hard-to-get" is a popular, but hotly debated dating strategy. It's something that people have been doing for ages and, historically, research has found that it works to some degree. However, does playing hard-to-get still pay off in a world where instant communication is becoming the norm and transparency and directness are increasingly valued in relationships? Or has it become an outdated tactic that feels more manipulative than alluring?

In this article, we'll explore the current state of the science on playing hard-to-get.

What Is Playing Hard-to-Get?

Playing hard-to-get occurs when an individual goes out of their way to make their intentions unclear, such as by holding back their feelings or avoiding overt displays of interest. The idea behind it is that sowing a little uncertainty and creating a little emotional distance will make another person try harder to win your attention.

Common ways people employ this strategy include delaying responses to texts, withholding physical affection, talking to others, or purposely failing to communicate one's interest. It can also take the form of "breadcrumbing," in which someone gives small, sporadic signals about their interest without fully committing or overtly stating their desires. While this strategy is well-known and often portrayed in the media and popular culture, many have raised questions about whether this tactic actually fosters attraction or if it simply causes potential partners to lose interest due to perceived unavailability.

To understand whether playing hard-to-get works or not, a team of scientists combed through the entire literature on the subject and published their findings in the Journal of Sex Research in an article titled “Playing Hard-to-Get: A New Look at an Old Strategy.” This article is the first empirical review of the literature on playing hard-to-get, spanning a total of 18 studies that examined this dating strategy and its effectiveness within the context of dating.

The Positive Effects of Playing Hard-to-Get

In the article, the researchers identified multiple studies wherein playing hard-to-get was associated with positive relationship outcomes. For example, one study found that heterosexual women were more likely to think about and feel more attracted to men when they were uncertain about how those men had evaluated them (based on their social media profiles) compared to when they knew that the men had rated them either highly or moderately.

Why is that? It may stem from a desire to reduce uncertainty surrounding the potential partner. In other words, when we are presented with uncertainty, the next natural step is to try to find answers to reduce the unknowns, which can lead to thinking about the other person more as we try to untangle the missing pieces. In the words of the study's authors, “playing hard-to-get may be effective in inducing lure by creating confusion or intrigue that leads to rumination about the player."

Another study found that when individuals were selectively hard-to-get (in other words, they were available to the subject but hard-to-get for others) they were liked more than people who were hard-to-get for everyone. Also, those who interacted with a selectively hard-to-get person experienced greater self-esteem after being evaluated by these selective partners. This suggests that people may be highly drawn to selective individuals because being chosen as the exception makes them feel unique or special.

The Benefits of Playing Moderately Hard-to-Get

While some degree of being hard-to-get may potentially boost desirability, it's also possible to be too hard-to-get. Specifically, if you're seen as too hard-to-get, you may be seen as unattainable or as being too full of yourself, which can result in lowered attraction. At the same time, being too easy-to-get can also result in decreased attraction, potentially because you may be seen as not having any standards, or because the other person doesn't feel special.

What the research shows is that the highest levels of attraction typically occur when people are uncertain about another person's level of attraction, or when the other person's availability is moderate (not too high, and not too low). In short, there's a Goldilocks phenomenon at play here: we like people who are a little hard to get, but not too easy or too hard.

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When Playing Hard-to-Get Backfires

Despite some evidence that playing hard-to-get might work to some extent in attracting a potential partner, this review article also explores how this strategy can potentially sabotage dating efforts. For example, research has shown that many people have a preference for those who clearly communicate their romantic intentions and tend to be more drawn to these individuals. For such persons, this strategy is unlikely to work. Having a potential partner play hard-to-get might cause them to lose interest and seek others who are more forthcoming about their feelings and intentions.

With all of that said, it is important to be cognizant of the limitations of the research in this area. Perhaps the biggest is that it is nearly impossible to reconstruct real-life romantic interactions between partners in a research setting. While some researchers have used speed dating designs to study this topic in a way that more closely mirrors real life, much of the existing literature relies on hypothetical scenarios. It's therefore possible that the findings may not perfectly map onto what happens in everyday life because the stakes are lower in a hypothetical scenario.

So, Is Playing Hard-to-Get an Effective Strategy?

While playing hard-to-get may have positive effects in certain situations, it’s clear that this strategy is not always effective and, in some cases, it may even be counterproductive. In a world where clear communication and transparency are increasingly valued, being too elusive or evasive may have the potential to backfire and push potential partners away.

Based on the current state of the science, it seems that striking a balance between conveying your interest while maintaining a slight sense of mystery may indeed help in sowing the seeds of romantic connection, but it's a wise bet to avoid pushing it too far.