Should You Tell Someone About Your Trauma?

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Many years ago, a clinical supervisor told me, "There are only two types of secrets that people keep—secrets about sex or money." Why do we struggle to share our painful experiences? Breaking the code of silence may be easier if you know how self-disclosure helps.

Irvin D. Yalom, M.D., once commented, "One of the hardest parts of therapy is revealing ourselves to another person. It's also one of the most healing." We are hurt in the context of relationships, and it is within relationships that we find healing.

The Impact of Trauma

Many people experience traumatic events. By some estimates, 70 percent of adults report at least one trauma event in their lifetime, with 5.6 percent of those individuals going on to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

An increasing number of medical systems are using the adverse childhood experiences survey as a part of some medical appointments. Having used the ACE survey for several years in my work within a chronic pain rehabilitation program, many patients would comment, "I have never talked about this before. No one has ever asked me."

What struck me about these individuals who had never disclosed their history of trauma was the guilt, shame, and negative self-concepts that stayed the course of time in these people's minds. In addition, their painful emotions were as fresh today as when they first arose. Most have not learned to shift their traumatic memories to be simply bad memories—memories that have little power to stir up distress.

Principles to Consider

Here are four principles to remember if you are considering talking about your painful past, possibly for the first time.

1. You can bring others into a lonely, confusing story. One of the most painful aspects of trauma is the isolation in which trauma occurs and the isolation that often remains as a result. Very likely, there were no witnesses to what you experienced, leaving you with a feeling of unreality about what happened. Bringing others into your personal story can help end that isolation.
2. Talking can help you change the narrative surrounding the traumatic event. When our thoughts are heard silently in our minds, they seem convincing. But when we say our thoughts to others, we can see the flaws and faulty reasoning more easily. A key principle of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) is that our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world keep us stuck, not the events themselves. Albert Ellis, Ph.D., stated, "Poor conditions in the past and present affect us, but they don't disturb us. Our present beliefs create our current disturbance." We often do not recognize how flawed our logic is about our trauma events. To challenge a person's reasoning, I suggest the following exercise: "Imagine you're talking to an 8-year-old who just experienced their mother walk out of the family and disappear forever. Would you suggest that if the child had only kept their grades up, cleaned their room more often, and been a better person, bad things would not have happened to them?" Our thinking does not sound very helpful when we put it to that test.
3. Talking about your past can lead to post-traumatic growth. You are what you hide. When we attempt to push away past trauma experiences and the shame, powerlessness, isolation, guilt, and confusion that goes with it, we create the perfect conditions for all those elements to shape and distort how we see ourselves, others, and the world. The more we try to control unwanted experiences, the more they control us. Talking can help you shift your relationship with painful memories. Trauma should never be central to your life or identity—it is just one story among many. You get to write how the story continues regardless of where it began.
4. Talking can help those you care about most. Your friends, partner, relatives, and children will all benefit from your work processing your past pain. You might have a dark past and do not want others to be bothered by your story, or maybe you had negative experiences sharing your story with people who do not understand. But that reality does not need to stop you from letting others encourage you as you recover. The risk of protecting yourself by not sharing includes the harm that comes from the walls you create that limit what people know and block how much they care. I have seen many people experience tremendous growth when they realize that their painful stories can be powerful tools to help others who are hurting.

Talking about your painful past comes with risks and rewards. There is no single principle that all people who have experienced trauma can follow and expect positive results when it comes to self-disclosure. There is good evidence that talking with others with the same lived experience might be a place to start. Regardless of your next step, know that you are not defined by your past but by the direction you are heading.

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