3 Ways to Get More Respect from Your Adult Child

As a parent coach, the number one struggle I hear from parents is not feeling appreciated by their adult children. Building a respectful relationship with your adult child can be challenging, especially when old habits and family dynamics linger.

While you may hope your adult child will naturally show you respect, mutual respect must be cultivated. Here are three strategies to help you foster a more respectful relationship and strengthen your bond with your adult child.

1. Listen Before You Lecture

It’s easy to fall into the habit of offering advice or solutions, especially when you see your adult child struggling. However, unsolicited advice can come across as controlling or dismissive, making them feel unheard. On the other hand, listening shows you value their thoughts and experiences, laying the groundwork for mutual respect.

Example
When Jared, 28, mentioned to his mother, Linda, that he was considering a career change, she quickly began listing why it wasn’t a good idea. Jared felt his mother didn’t trust him to make sound decisions, and their conversation ended in frustration. The next time he brought up the topic, Linda listened without interjecting. As a result, Jared felt more respected, and he asked for her opinion afterward.

Tip
Next time your adult child shares something with you, refrain from offering a solution right away. Instead, reflect what you hear by saying, "It sounds like you're feeling..." or "I hear that you're thinking about..." As I explain in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, these phrases show you’re paying attention and invite your child to elaborate on their feelings and thoughts.

2. Set Boundaries with Compassion

Setting boundaries is essential for a healthy parent-child relationship, even in adulthood. But it’s important to approach this topic with kindness and clarity rather than making demands. Adult children will often push back if they feel their autonomy is being threatened, but they are more likely to respect boundaries if they see them as mutual guidelines rather than rules imposed on them.

Example
Nina, 55, constantly supported her daughter, Hailey, who struggled to keep up with rent payments. Nina felt taken advantage of and became resentful. Instead of continuing to offer money while feeling disrespected, she told Hailey, "I want to help you, but I also know you want to become more independent. Let's set a plan together where I help you budget, but after this month, I won't be able to cover your rent." By communicating her boundaries compassionately, Nina maintained her support while clarifying what she needed in return.

Tip
When establishing boundaries, explain your reasons calmly and avoid using guilt or ultimatums. Frame the boundaries regarding what you need for the relationship to remain strong. Consider saying, "I need us to find a balance where I feel appreciated too." This approach fosters respect and understanding.

3. Model the Behavior You Expect

Actions often speak louder than words. If you want your adult child to show respect, it’s important to model respectful behavior in your interactions. This doesn’t mean being overly permissive but demonstrating that you respect and treat their autonomy equally. Being mindful of how you speak, taking responsibility for your mistakes, and showing appreciation can go a long way.

Example
Edward, 63, realized he frequently interrupted his son, Felix, during conversations. When Felix pointed this out, Edward initially became defensive. But after reflecting on it, he apologized for not giving Felix the space to share his thoughts fully. This small act of taking ownership showed Felix that respect was a two-way street, and their interactions became more balanced.

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Tip
Respect is mutual. Acknowledge your missteps and be open to feedback. This humility can encourage your adult child to do the same and demonstrates that you are always learning and growing, even as a parent. Lead by example, and your child is more likely to reciprocate.

Strengthening respect in the parent-adult-child relationship requires conscious effort. You can build a foundation of mutual understanding and appreciation by listening more, setting clear boundaries, and modeling respectful behavior. It's never too late to improve the quality of your relationship, and the benefits will be felt by both you and your child.

Your Takeaway

Mutual respect must be cultivated to build a more respectful relationship with your adult child. You can start by listening without immediately offering advice, setting compassionate boundaries that promote independence, and modeling the respectful behavior you wish to see. These strategies can help strengthen your bond and create a healthier dynamic.

©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.