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When I coach parents, I often find myself helping them strategize how to help their adult sons and daughters become more independent. This can mean their becoming fully self-sustaining. Or, it may mean achieving whatever optimal level of self-sufficiency is realistically attainable for them. For those adult children living at home, gains in independence are represented by taking responsibility to pitch in and help out around the house.
Given that most of my parent coaching is by phone or online, I have worked with a wide sample of parents with adult children across the U.S. and in foreign countries as well. The situations faced the parents I help include some adult children with mental illness or addictions. Others may be struggling with managing their lives and are living in situations where parents are subsidizing their rents or other living costs. Still, others may be financially solid but emotionally fragile. Yet, no matter what the circumstances, adult children will feel best about themselves when they are feeling productive---and less dependent!
Are You Enabling Your Adult Child?
Enabling, is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility. An enabler rushes in and removes the consequence, giving the adult child no reason or opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. When you enable your adult child you are compromising and eroding their independence.
It is crucial for you to be thoughtful about how to assist your adult child without enabling them. Adult children who remain overly dependent on their parents often are allowed to get into this situation because their parents enable them, as discussed above. Perhaps this relationship dynamic stems from parents who want to feel needed.
How Can I Help My Adult Child Without Enabling?
Do you create an enabling dynamic for your adult child? If, for example, your son is living at home and you are doing his daily living tasks such as laundry or cleaning up for him, how will he learn to do this for himself? If your adult daughter is living in an apartment that you are subsidizing, yet she is frivolously buying clothes, jewelry, and cosmetics instead of paying rent, what are you teaching her about financial independence when you jump in to their rescue?
If your adult child has skin in the game--meaning, they are meeting their daily needs and trying to advance towards or maintain independence, then helping the out logistically (perhaps with moving from one place to another, or having them live at home while saving up to go back to school, or while going back to school) is fine. Or helping them financially on your own terms rather than through them manipulating you can feel really good as a parent.
The best way to be supportive without falling into enabling is to have skillful, non-adversarial conversations. This promotes calm interactions and productive problem-solving, which are what I believe to be the two most crucial skills for all of us!
Below are two suggestions from some time-tested methods that have to help you encourage your adult child while remaining free from the enabling trap.
1) Be Calm, Firm and Non-Controlling
It is crucial not to be pressuring and adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. Parents tell me that my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (2nd Ed), while initially written for parents of children age four to eighteen. is highly applicable to helping them bypass their own and their adult child's emotional reactivity. This is likely because of the power struggle dynamics of adult children (often but not always due to their emotional maturity--and we certainly have our share of lapses of it as anxious parents, as well!).
The calm, firm, non-controlling approach promotes parents to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. The bottom line is that being calm, firm, and non-controlling in your tone and demeanor as you express your expectations will resonate a lot more than being pressuring and forceful with hollow threats that only lead to fruitless power struggles.
Check out the two sample parent soundbites below:
Sample soundbite: Joe, I get it that you feel discouraged, but I know you'll feel better about yourself if you keep looking for a job."
Sample sound bite: Laurie, I hear that you feel you can't talk to me because I don't listen. Please hear that I'm going to keep working at it. That said, even though we see some things differently, please help me find some common ground so we can move on from this impasse."
2) Be On The Ready to Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries with your adult child is a healthy thing to do. So, whether you’ve got a 21 year old son leaving dishes all over the place, or a 25 year old daughter who just can’t keep a job, or a 35 year old son who keeps asking for money while falsely claiming he will pay you back, adult children who behave irresponsibly can be highly stressful. I have heard many sad stories of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents.
For sure, it can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children that have become overly dependent. These parents often feel drained and emotionally depleted. They want their child to be happy on their own, yet they live in fear of not doing enough to help their child get there. This is by no means an easy situation.
Develop a response that you can offer in the event that you are caught off guard. Agree that you won’t give an answer for certain time period whether it be the next morning or at least for 24 hours. For example, the next time you get an urgent call that says, “I need money,” respond by saying, “I’ll have to talk it over with your father (or, if you are single, “I’ll have to think it over”) and we’ll get back to you tomorrow.” This will allow you time to consider it and give you a chance to think and talk about it beforehand. It will also show that you are remaining steady in your course while presenting a united front.
Here is another soundbite to help you set healthy boundaries:
Sample soundbite: “I am here to listen and I'm willing to help you by doing this (fill in the blank ____ ) . I also think you will feel better about yourself if take the lead on contacting your credit card to address these late charges.”
In Conclusion
Remember that we are all learning and growing. You are still learning your role in being a parent of an adult child or perhaps more than one of them. Remember that they are learning and growing as well and that the human brain does not fully mature till age twenty-five or so (or sometimes longer). That said, the best way to get your adult child to do their part is to do your part in keeping your cool, being empathetic, and setting healthy boundaries.
For more about Dr. Jeff, please click here.
