Doing This Can Derail Your Relationship

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You're in the kitchen pouring yourself a glass of water after a long day. Your partner enters and excitedly exclaims that she was just chosen to lead an incredibly important initiative at work. She's beaming from ear to ear. You’re mentally calculating your to-do list and half hear what she’s telling you. You manage to mutter a quick and monotone, “that’s nice, honey” and exit the room. She chases after you and asks if you were even listening. She seems upset which baffles you since you responded to her.

Has that ever happened to you?

If you’re like us and countless couples throughout the world, it likely has. And probably many more times than you’d care to admit.

In today’s increasingly fast-paced world, we are all juggling so much: work, family, household responsibilities and the list goes on. And on. As a result, we may end up inadvertently ignoring our partner on a regular basis, or not giving them the attention and support they deserve. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own world that we don’t even seem to notice them and acknowledge what they are saying. We may even walk away from them in mid-sentence. We still love them, of course. It’s just that we are so busy with our own stuff that we can’t always respond to them when they approach us, we tell ourselves.

Are you turning towards or away from your partner?

According to esteemed marital researcher John Gottman, in the happiest of couples both individuals make bids for one another’s attention on a daily basis. And they respond to one another as well when their attention is sought.

Despite what popular culture might like us to believe, they mindfully create and savor ongoing experiences together by noticing and appreciating small magical moments of connection rather than waiting around for momentous occasions (think that big trip to Paris!) to celebrate.

Over time, these small moments add up and help build a stronger and more satisfying connection.

For better or for worse…

While we all know the importance of being there for our loved ones during tough times, many of us tend to let the good things slip right by. This tendency can damage our relationship since research suggests how we respond to our partner during good times, rather than bad times, may be even more important for relational success. And according to one study, good things are said to happen three times more than bad things. So if we don’t notice these good things, we are missing out on many opportunities to connect throughout the day.

How do you respond to your partner’s good news?

If you’re like many couples, you may often unintentionally respond with a quick “that’s nice, honey,” like in the example above, and then go back to reading the paper or whatever you were doing.

While this may seem like an innocuous response, research by Shelly Gable at The University of California has found that it is not. In fact, responding in a passive way to our partner when they share good news may be just as damaging to our relationship as directly disparaging their good news with a retort like “Are you kidding me? What were you thinking? Do you know how much more time that new project will take from your already crazy schedule?”

Celebrate your partner's good news in an active and constructive way.

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Respond actively and constructively to strengthen relational well-being

According to Gable, the best way to help celebrate your partner’s good news is in an active and constructive way: Show that you’re engaged in what she is saying by sharing her excitement and supporting her with positive comments and questions.

Instead of the trite, "that's nice, honey," in the example above trying responding with something like: "Wow! I'm so happy for you! You must be thrilled! I know how hard you worked! How did you feel when you first heard the news?"

While you might have some legitimate concerns about what she’s telling you now is not the time to express them in detail. No one likes a kill-joy. Save any concerns for a later time after you’ve had the chance to listen and celebrate your partner’s good news.

So the next time your partner approaches you with some good news take it as an invitation to strengthen your relationship. Stop what you are doing. Put down the newspaper or your i-phone. Pay attention to her by looking at her, and listening intently. Show your interest and enthusiasm in what she is saying with your body language and words. Lean in to her. Ask questions and affirm what she is saying. Ask how she felt when she received the good news.

In sum, respond in a way that makes her feel cared for, loved and understood. You'll strengthen your connection in the moment and down the road.