Why You Keep Falling for the "Wrong" Person

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We’ve all been there: Things start exciting—texts that make your heart race, chemistry that feels electric, and conversations that flow effortlessly. But then, without warning, something shifts. The spark fizzles, they pull away, or suddenly you feel the ick. Cue that sinking feeling: Why do I keep attracting the same type of person?

Maybe you even tell yourself, "This time will be different." Yet here you are again, stuck between passionate-but-anxiety-inducing or stable-but-boring relationships. You’re always torn between excitement and peace, and somehow both seem just out of reach. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. As a human sexuality professor, I hear these stories not only from my students but also from friends of all ages. It’s a pattern that seems universal—and endlessly frustrating.

The Power of Familiarity

The idea that "familiarity breeds liking" is a well-established principle of human behavior. From an evolutionary perspective, familiarity can provide a sense of safety. When something feels familiar, it can trigger the brain to predict outcomes with more accuracy, and predictability often invites feelings of comfort. In the context of relationships, however, this can be a double-edged sword.

For someone who grew up with inconsistent or emotionally distant caregivers, a partner who offers a similarly "hot and cold" connection will unconsciously feel familiar—and thus, comfortable. This type of relationship may mimic what the person experienced growing up, and because it's known, it feels less threatening, even if it's ultimately unsatisfying or painful.

In romantic relationships, this dynamic often presents itself as an initial, intense emotional connection—that spark we feel when meeting someone new. This can feel exciting and intoxicating, but it's important to recognize that this intensity isn’t necessarily a sign of a long-lasting, healthy love. More often, it signals an old, unresolved relationship pattern being triggered.

Many people unconsciously hope that by recreating these old dynamics in a new romantic relationship, they can achieve a different, healthier outcome. It’s as if there's an internal wish: “This time, it will be different,” or “I’ll make them love me, or at least stay this time.” It’s a cycle driven by the hope of healing old emotional wounds—yet more often than not, the outcome remains the same.

The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

Another explanation for why some people continually find themselves in these unhealthy patterns relates to what's known as the anxious-avoidant trap. This concept highlights a common dynamic between individuals with anxious attachment styles and those with avoidant attachment styles.

People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness and security in relationships, fearing rejection or abandonment. They may become preoccupied with the relationship, seeking reassurance and engaging in behaviors that try to maintain closeness. When they feel uncertain or disconnected, they may push harder for intimacy.

In contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to prioritize independence and may feel overwhelmed or suffocated by too much closeness. They often avoid emotional vulnerability and can be reluctant to commit.

Secure attachment style, in contrast, is characterized by a healthy, balanced approach to relationships. Individuals with this style feel comfortable with intimacy and can express their needs and emotions openly. They typically trust others and are reliable themselves, fostering strong, positive connections.

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Swinging With Attachment Styles

When an avoidant partner begins to feel pressured or crowded, they may withdraw emotionally, leaving the anxious partner feeling rejected and anxious, which in turn drives them to pursue even more. This dynamic can create a frustrating cycle where one partner's need for closeness triggers the other’s need for space, and vice versa. In some cases, avoidant partners may even start with an intense courtship—sometimes referred to as love bombing—in which they shower an anxiously attached partner with attention, affection, and grand gestures, only to pull away later, leaving their partner confused and heartbroken.

Breaking the Cycle: Understanding Your Attachment Style

If you find yourself stuck in this repetitive cycle of falling for the same type of person—someone who’s emotionally distant, unavailable, or simply “wrong” for you—it may be time to reflect on your attachment style and the dynamics you’re unconsciously attracted to. By doing so, you can start to untangle old patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may need to work on building self-soothing skills—such as being open with your partner about how you feel, learning to trust their reassurance, and reminding yourself that the anxious thoughts in your head aren’t always accurate representations of what’s happening—and fostering a sense of self-worth independent of your partner’s actions. You may also need to practice recognizing when someone’s behavior is triggering your attachment insecurities versus when it reflects their actual feelings. For those with avoidant tendencies, focusing on emotional vulnerability and practicing more open communication can help build healthier connections.

Visualize the Partner You Want

Once you have a clearer sense of your attachment style, one powerful tool to help break the cycle is to visualize the type of partner you're looking for. Rather than focusing on the intensity or familiarity of a relationship, think about the qualities you want in a partner and how they would make you feel.

For example, you might decide you’re looking for someone warm, funny, intelligent, and kind. What would it feel like to be with someone who brings calm and stability into your life rather than anxiety and drama? Imagine the day-to-day interactions with that person, how they’d treat you, and how they’d make you feel supported and secure. By focusing on these specific qualities, you’ll start to recognize when the right person comes into your life instead of simply chasing after people who are triggering old wounds.