Verified by 
Key points
- The rush to blame parents is often driven by the delusion that parents have total control over their children's behavior.
- Powerful wired-in tendencies can shape children's behaviors despite parents' best efforts.
- These wired-in tendencies can include learning struggles, developmental issues, addiction, and temperament.
Many mental health professionals quickly blame their parents whenever young people exhibit behavioral problems. Of course, no one can deny parents' profound effect on children, but is parenting all that influential? Is parenting truly the omnipotent determinator of a child’s future?
If parenting were genuinely all-powerful, children raised by the same parents would be carbon copies: same temperaments, personalities, and interests. But as we know, siblings with the same parents have vastly different characters.
Does parenting drive positive outcomes in children?
Over the past 25 years of working with parents and children, I’ve witnessed many children who received shoddy and incompetent parenting grow up to be outstanding adults. And children who had exceptional parents fare startlingly poorly in life.
The seeming randomness of some of the outcomes is always jarring to me. I often wonder, “How on Earth did that happen? For example:
- How did a heroin addict grow up to be a pediatric nurse and outstanding mother?
- How did an award-winning star student end up pursuing a life of crime?"
Why are parents so often blamed?
The rush to blame parents is often driven by the delusion that parents have total control over their children's behavior. Consequently, we turn a blind eye to the large part of child-rearing that is unpredictable. Blaming every parent for their child’s behaviors is like assuming every car accident is the driver's fault.
For parents to admit they don't have control over their children's futures is unnerving. For example, we feel shaken when bad things happen to good people. Since the randomness of life can be so frightening, many of us pretend we have total command over our future. Naturally, we don’t—especially when it comes to our children's future as well.
Nature and nurture
Nature and nurture play a dual hand in child development. To be clear:
- Nature: the wired-in qualities not determined by parenting, such as temperament and personality.
- Nurture: the family culture that parents create and how it impacts their child’s way of being in relationships.
When nature overpowers nurture
Nature often overpowers nurture, leaving parents shocked by their child’s behavior. These wired-in difficulties frequently fly under the radar of parenting and can be challenging to spot.
Wired-in challenges that have nothing to do with parenting
Let’s examine the profound influence of nature more closely. Remember that these powerful wired-in tendencies shape behaviors despite parents' best efforts.
1. Learning struggles. Not all children have the same learning styles. Neurodivergent children can have difficulties with focus and attention, auditory or visionary limitations, or slower processing skills. These differences can make learning painful and keep children in constant tension, fatigue, or irritability, leaving bewildered parents struggling to comfort or soothe them.
2. Developmental issues. Developmental milestones, such as walking and talking, are sometimes delayed or severely impaired. For example, problems with motor skills, communication or sensory issues resulting from cerebral palsy, autism spectrum disorder, or pervasive developmental delays require specialized schooling and other interventions to assist children and parents.
3. Addiction. Family histories of drugs and alcohol abuse can reach back generations. Because addiction is unpredictable and sometimes skips a generation, it is not uncommon for parents who don’t abuse substances to have a child who does. Such parents are shocked by their children’s addictive tendencies and often blame themselves for a condition that is clearly in the family's DNA.
4. Adoption issues. Many adopted children struggle mightily during adolescence when identity issues and powerful biological family tendencies emerge. Many adoptive parents of easygoing or agreeable children are bullied or in constant conflict with their kids during their teen years. They witness radical, inexplicable transformations in their children and levels of defiance that baffle them entirely. Sadly, they may blame themselves or feel reproached by others for their children's demeanor.
5. Temperament. Some babies sleep through the night, while others don’t. Some children eat everything on their plates, while others drive their parents crazy with pickiness. Temperament emerges very early in children and frequently feels incongruent with the parenting that they received.
I recall working with two very calm parents who had a child who "never stopped moving even in the womb." The mother said, "He skipped learning to walk and started running and climbing immediately." His temperament was wired in from the start and had little to do with the parenting he received.
6. Societal issues. Racial tensions exist in every culture. When a child experiences oppression or discrimination because of their ethnicity, it can significantly affect how they view themselves. Children who experience racism have suffered higher levels of depression and anxiety due to societal issues—not parenting.
7. Medical challenges. Every parent prays for a healthy baby. Sometimes medical issues emerge that create hardships, such as mobility limitations, diseases, or a compromised immunity system. For children facing medical conditions, life appears full of unfair restrictions. The intensity of their frustration and despair naturally affect their behavior. As a result, parents are likely to experience higher levels of tension and anxiety.
A new outlook on behavior problems
It's time to acknowledge that parenting has limitations and stop blaming parents for all children's problem behaviors. To judge good parents harshly is cruel and unnecessary. A deeper, more compassionate understanding of the complexity of childhood conditions is needed to avoid making struggling parents feel even worse about themselves or their kids.
Facebook image: White bear studio/Shutterstock
