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Key points
- Many go-to parenting strategies won't work with an adult child who's struggling with addiction.
- For their own mental health, parents need to set healthy boundaries and get professional support for their family through groups like AA or NA.
- Making adjustments to the parent-adult child relationship and keeping the lines of communication open are key to overcoming addiction.
Let me start by saying I sympathize with you. If you’re a parent in this situation, it’s really tough. It isn’t fair. And it may be hard to believe it’s going to turn out well—though in most cases, it does!
One of the toughest parts of being the parent of an adult with substance use disorder (SUD)? A lot of the things you always did before as a mom or dad—your trusted, go-to parenting strategies—don’t work now. And in some cases, the best strategy now is almost going to be the opposite of what it was before.
My advice: Throw out the old parenting toolbox, get a new one, and consider refilling it with some of these tools.
7 ways to help you stay sane
1. Remember that you are not the answer.
As soon as you can, get your head around the idea that you can’t charge in, take control, and save your child. Resist the urge to try and make everything all better because you can’t. No parent can. Only your child can do that for herself.
This is not a case of your daughter falling on the soccer field and getting a cut on her knee. This isn’t you putting a Band-Aid on her while drying her tears. Try to switch out of that I-can-fix-it mindset, or you’ll go nuts.
2. Set boundaries that are about you and what you need to stay stable, healthy, and intact.
Yes, these boundaries involve your child; of course, they do. But at their core, they are by, for, and about you.
3. Consider this boundary number one: “You, my child who I will always love, cannot use drugs or alcohol in my house.”
In addiction treatment, I hear a lot from parents that they would rather have their child use drugs or alcohol at home where it’s safer. Nope, that is not OK. Home needs to remain a safe, steady, drug-free place—for your sake as much as your child.
4. Consider this boundary number two: “If you cannot abide by boundary number one, you will need to find another place to live.”
Yes, this is a very difficult demand to make because it cuts against the grain of being a parent who is protecting your child. Nevertheless, it is important. I suggest setting a reasonable timeline, asking for buy-in on it (in writing if possible), and remaining calm but firm in seeing it through.
5. Go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon Family Group meeting—or any other family support meeting that works for you.
These can be amazing and incredibly supportive. Google it; there’s probably one nearby. And if not, a lot of them these days are being held virtually.
These meetings are all about finding support. You share, listen, and learn. And you realize how many other parents there are out there dealing with the same awfulness as you. Maybe best of all, at family support meetings, you are never judged, and you are never shamed. Leaving these meetings, it can feel like the weight of the world has lifted from your shoulders. At least for a while.
6. Maintain a healthy distance.
This one is so key, and it dovetails nicely with the above-mentioned “set your own boundaries” advice. This may sound harsh, but your child is not actually your child when she is in active addiction. Her brain and personality have been hijacked by drugs or alcohol. So try to keep her at arm’s length. Don’t let her take you for daily rides on the rollercoaster that is active addiction.
7. Be wary of being manipulated.
Harsh again, I know, but people in active addiction tend to be master manipulators. And yes, they sometimes lie. They will often say and do anything to keep doing what they’re doing, which is getting high. So try to keep your emotional distance, and don’t get sucked into the games. Love your child as always, but love him from a distance.
6 ways to help your child get better
1. Help yourself first.
This one gets back to all the sanity advice above! Allowing yourself to go to pieces because of your child’s addiction is not going to help anyone. Look after yourself. That’s job one.
2. Keep the lines of communication open.
This is a tough one at times when you would actually prefer to “excommunicate” your child! But when he is ready to ask for help, it’s important to be there and be reachable and to not have cut him out of the communication loop.
3. Try not to scold or lecture.
It never works! It gets you worked up, angry, resentful, and frustrated—but it doesn’t help your child.
4. Consider adjusting your relationship with your child so it’s more of a partnership, though not a friendship.
He doesn’t need you to be his buddy, but it’s important that he knows you’re willing to work with him and be on his side.
5. Try not to judge.
Addiction is a brain disease that you can recover from, not a moral failing. Judging is only going to make her feel morally weak and of bad character. She is neither of those things.
6. Steer clear of anger.
Again, being on the receiving end of this emotion won’t do anything for your child except wind him up, too. You’re never going to anger your child into sobriety. And meanwhile, feeling anger is exhausting, and at times self-destructive. When you feel anger starting to well up, redirect your mind by going for a walk or run. Change your location. Listen to music you love. Talk to a friend or family member who will let you vent a little. And remember, this too will pass.
To conclude, I’d like to mention some great advice that comes out of the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon Family Group playbook: Remember the 3 Cs. That is, regarding your child’s addiction, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Wise words indeed. Take comfort in them always. And keep the faith that things are going to get better.
