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Relationships
Feeling Unseen?
There's help for male couples.
Posted March 21, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Most couples advice comes from a heteronormative perspective.
- Having a gay perspective is more succinct and helpful.
- Having the option of addressing your sexuality is important.
- Part of a couple's success is having internal exploration.
If you’re part of a male couple, you’ve probably noticed there isn’t a whole lot of material out there that pertains specifically to you. I’ve been working with gay couples, and gay men in general, for over 40 years—and when it comes to working with male couples, it’s not about reinventing the wheel, it’s about creating it for the first time!
My clients have often asked me for resources that pertain to their lives and unique issues, and it has always amazed me to see how few there are out there. I’ve sometimes managed to find something that might be useful to a particular couple, but I’m usually adapting something to their situation.
There's no blueprint
Male couplehood comes without a training manual, and most of us grew up in heteronormative households, so we didn’t even get to see what “being a couple” looks like in action. This lack of experience and role models is compounded by the internalized shame carried by most gay men. There’s a tremendous challenge in growing up while hiding feelings of love and sexuality—and knowing those feelings are unacceptable (and even dangerous) in the larger culture. Gay men face disapproval, or worse, if those emotions are visible.
So, no wonder they keep them hidden! The couples that make it to my office—and I recognize that getting here is no small thing—are the couples willing to find the truth, to take on admittedly difficult work in order to make their life together more connected and more satisfying.
Most boys, no matter their orientation, are not taught how to express any emotion other than anger; so many young men are angry. Since they’ve never been given the tools to communicate, they don’t. Gay men hold themselves tightly when they’re out in the world—which is why my first book, and this column, are titled Unwrapped: that’s the process I’m seeing in therapy. Unwrapping these tightly wrapped men so they can get in touch with themselves, rewrite their internal stories, and learn to thrive in the world.
And what happens to men individually happens doubly to men in a same-sex relationship.
There’s a specific challenge for men around being vulnerably expressive with one another. Being independent and strong comes so much more easily to us than acknowledging what might be viewed as “softer” emotions; our culture supports strength in men and belittles deep internal vulnerability or insecurity. But communication isn’t going to happen if we can’t let our guard down with our partners and allow them to come close to us.
At the start of each therapy session, whether I’m turning on a video call or opening my office door, I still find myself surprised by the serious demeanor of male couples, especially at the beginning. They are holding themselves in, uncertain about the process, and concerned about allowing themselves to get hurt. I then return to my metaphor of unwrapping them, of giving them space and opportunity to loosen up, lower their defenses, and allow each other in.
So that’s what we work on. Becoming vulnerable. Allowing your partner in. Listening to him making himself vulnerable to you. Hearing his fears as well as his strengths.
Taking care of ourselves
After doing this work for decades, I finally decided that if there wasn’t any literature out there that was helpful for male couples, then it was up to me to create it. So I’ve written a workbook for male couples to help them think about some of their unique issues—exploring sexuality, handling finances, choosing friends, navigating the scene, dealing with families of origin—and all of it within the context of being in a committed relationship. I’m excited about providing a forum both in my clinical work and through the workbook to identify and address stumbling blocks that get in the way of the teamwork necessary to make couples therapy work.
It's called Opening Up: A Communication Workbook for Male Couples, and will be available later this spring from Pamet Publications. Each chapter includes tips, questions to share, and a guided meditation to embody the material in a different way. I hope you’ll consider using it.
In the meantime, improving communication with your partner can start right now. Take time to explore why you feel the way you do in your relationship; emphasize positive communication skills; and know that even as you are working toward a healthy relationship, you’re going to emerge healthier as individuals as well.
Little by little, acceptance of male couples is moving forward. Marriage equality is now the norm in the United States and in many places across the world. Gay couples can live in the suburbs, they can have and adopt children, and so as the world has become much more accepting, there are now more opportunities for couples to do their work and grow.
We also need to be aware of the current political climate in America, and it’s more important than ever to identify the support and resources we need—clinicians, literature, groups, friends, organizations—to grow in self-acceptance and caring for one another.
Because we all matter.
