3 Ways to Increase Intimacy When You Need It Most

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Emotional intimacy is a cornerstone for healthy and connected relationships and is related to our overall happiness and emotional health. While there are several common types of intimacy, such as physical² and intellectual, emotional intimacy is one of the most important forms because it can help foster vulnerability.

While all forms of intimacy require a willingness to be open and authentic with your partner, emotional intimacy allows you to understand each other on a deeper level, which can cultivate other forms of intimacy. For example, having a more secure emotional connection with your partner can help lessen feelings of loneliness and neglect when paired with physical affection.²

However, if you have a history of painful or traumatic interactions in your past that have left you feeling shame, guilt, anxiety, or sadness, then your ability to express vulnerability to your partner can be negatively impacted, also affecting the quality of emotional intimacy between you. For example, negative feelings about yourself can manifest as unhealthy behavior patterns (i.e., “survival mode”) in your relationships that reinforce negative self-beliefs and inauthentic relationships.¹ If you grew up experiencing trauma, how you approach your romantic relationships may be affected due to feelings you may hold about your self-worth or fears you may have surrounding relationships.

However, people who are able to overcome their past relational trauma(s) and limiting beliefs often experience deeper emotional intimacy with their partner, irrespective of their attachment style.¹

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy includes:

• You both practice active and non-judgmental listening
• High levels of empathy between you and your partner
• You both enjoy spending quality time together
• You and your partner respect each other’s needs and time
• There is honesty and trust with each other
• You feel comfortable asking for help or meeting each other’s needs
• You and your partner communicate freely and openly together
• Your relationship feels safe, predictable, and reliable
• You respect each other’s boundaries and personal space
• Having the ‘tough’ talks while holding space for each other

How to Increase Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy and vulnerability are both necessary for creating a strong and healthy connection between partners. When both you and your partner can be vulnerable with each other, it helps foster emotional intimacy that goes beyond superficial interactions. Here are three ways to cultivate emotional intimacy.

1. Quality Time Without Distractions. Spending time together without distractions (phones, tablets, television, etc.) allows you and your partner to be fully present with each other. When there are fewer distractions, this allows for more space to create deeper and more authentic conversations that allow for vulnerability. When there is focused attention and quality time without distractions, this helps both partners feel seen, heard, and valued, which can make it easier to share more vulnerable emotions.

2. Redefine What Intimacy Means. Redefining emotional intimacy is about sharing each of your feelings, and allowing both you and your partner to be yourselves. When you choose to redefine what emotional intimacy means in the context of your relationship, it may mean creating a definition of intimacy that is specific to both of your needs. When you and your partner embrace intimacy as a deeper emotional bond, it can open the door to a more authentic and supportive relationship. Creating a broader and more personal definition of intimacy fosters a richer, more connected relationship that encourages vulnerability.

3. Reframe Vulnerability as Strength. When vulnerability is reframed as a strength instead of a weakness, it can help you and your partner see being open and honest with each other as an opportunity for connection. This openness can foster a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, as well as build a more authentic relationship between you. When couples learn to view vulnerability in a positive light, it can also make it easier to navigate relationship challenges with compassion and support.

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