The Power of Accountability in Positive Change

Think of a time in your life when someone you respected—a mentor, coach, teacher, or parent figure—addressed a problematic behavior of yours with compassion and care. Perhaps they expressed empathy, asked thoughtful questions, and allowed you to come to your own conclusions about the consequences of your actions. If you expressed guilt or regret, they may have offered a safe space to explore how to make things right or change for the future.

Now recall a time when someone called you out in a way that immediately triggered shame or humiliation. Even if you agreed your behavior was problematic, their attack on your character and unwillingness to give you the benefit of the doubt may have shut down compassionate and respectful dialogue, and had you thinking more about yourself than anyone you may have harmed.

Can you feel the difference in your body? The first scenario is an example of someone holding you accountable with compassion. The second is an example of someone attempting to belittle or judge you into change. Which produced growth? (PS, if both did, you have skills!!)

Empathy, Guilt, and Remorse: Pathways to Growth

When someone both empathizes and holds you accountable, you might feel guilt (“I did something wrong”) and remorse (“I harmed someone and want to atone for this”). Research suggests that guilt, when experienced in a supportive context, can motivate reparative actions and foster personal growth (Tangney, Stuewig, & Mashek, 2007). Guilt has been shown to contribute to individuals recovering from addiction, righting wrongs, and healing disconnections (Brown, 2021).

Even when someone offers empathic accountability, we might feel shame. And yet, if we can take in their empathy, and offer self-compassion in the midst of our harmful behavior, we are more likely to be motivated for change, and avoid repeating past mistakes (Germer & Neff, 2013). Related to this, self-compassion linked to greater empathic concern, altruism, perspective taking, and forgiveness (ibid).

Shame and Empathy are Incompatible

Belittling and putting down someone rarely drives positive change. If the person internalizes the message, “I am bad,” they will feel shame. Shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (Brown, 2021, p. 247). Shame draws our focus inward and overrides our ability to empathize with others or recognize the harm we may have caused. While momentary shame can sometimes prompt us to stop harmful behavior in the moment (and perhaps later reflect on it), prolonged shame is correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and unethical or narcissistic behavior (Brown, 2021, p. 261; Kim, Thibodeau, & Jorgensen, 2011).

Humiliation and the Roots of Cruelty

“All the cruel and brutal things, even genocide, start with the humiliation of one individual.” —Kofi Annan

Humiliating someone does not produce positive change. If you belittle and put down someone, and they don’t feel they deserve it, they may experience humiliation—the painful feeling of being unjustly degraded or devalued (Brown, 2021, p. 263). Research has linked humiliation to increased risk of aggression and violence, particularly in contexts such as bullying and social exclusion (Torres & Bergner, 2010). In studies of school shooters, individuals who were bullied or spurned often became violent when humiliation was a prominent feeling (Brown, 2021, p. 265). Humiliation has been linked to radicalization vulnerability; humiliation prompts a desire for revenge or dignity restoration, leading to susceptibility to extremist ideologies (Abbas, et al, 2025). Radical groups can exploit feelings of humiliation in their recruitment tactics, offering a path to significance, dignity, redemption, and empowerment through violence (ibid).

When tempted to humiliate a bully, consider—are you further radicalizing them?

Accountability as a Tool for Positive Change

Accountability, when done right, can be a powerful tool for fostering growth. It involves clearly communicating expectations, providing support and resources, and focusing on the behavior rather than the person (Brown, 2021).

• Start with compassion. Compassion includes recognizing harmful behavior, acknowledging the common humanity in the behavior, and fostering kindness.
• Focus on the behavior, not the person. Use “I” statements to express how the behavior impacts you, rather than attacking the person’s character.
• Express Anger Responsibly. Anger is understandable when confronting harm; express only what is needed to make. your point. Communicate anger respectfully, and be careful not to show disgust or contempt. This is a fellow human being after all!
• Ask questions and reflect to foster empathy. Open-ended questions about intentions and perspective encourages self-reflection and discovery. Exploring someone’s perspective communicates empathy and helps them recognize their own errors (Germer & Neff, 2013).
• Set clear boundaries if the person is not willing to address wrong. If someone refuses to respond to accountability, find space. After all, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Prentis Hemphill
• Offer support and resources. Accountability isn’t about punishment; it’s about helping the person make better choices. Rather than "calling out“ someone, "calling in" someone means providing guidance, tools, and encouragement for making amends and changing patterns (Brown, 2021).
• Model accountability yourself. This starts with self-compassion. When we give ourselves compassion, we acknowledge our harmful actions, recognize our humanity, and give ourselves permission to make necessary repair. When we offer this to ourselves, we show others we can take responsibility for our actions and can handle feedback.

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By approaching accountability with empathy, respect, and a focus on growth, we can create environments where people feel supported in making positive changes.

Reflect

• Think of a time when you needed to hold someone accountable. How did you approach the situation, and what was the outcome?
• How can you practice self-compassion when you make mistakes, and how might this influence the way you hold others accountable?

Mindfulness Exercise: Think of someone you would like to hold accountable for harmful behavior. Imagine approaching them. Consider your tone, body language, and words. What curiosity could you bring to the situation? Are there aspects of their behavior or perspective that are understandable? Do you imagine they might need validation, reassurance, comfort, guidance, protection, or provision? What can you offer to guide amends or repair?