Conditional Self-Worth vs. Unconditional Self-Worth

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We exit the womb with a purity suggesting we are absolutely fine just the way we are. Unfortunately, our untainted status has a short shelf life. Authority figures respond to our behavior in a myriad of different ways, including shame, blame, and ridicule. Since our safety depends on their acceptance of us, we typically do our best to meet their expectations. Of course, they are not always pleased with us. Hence, the creation of fertile ground for our conditional self-worth is determined by those in power.

The Sisyphus Syndrome

Adulthood does not liberate us from someone else’s expectations that define our values. Bosses, mentors, colleagues, and spouses may very well have a say about how good we are. And of course, there’s our own expectations not being met, as we turn against ourselves. Even if we have some worldly success, we awake the following day, only to demonstrate our worthiness repeatedly. In one account, Sisyphus angers Zeus, who condemns him to roll a rock up a hill for eternity. In another version, he tricks the god to release him from the underworld, with the same condemnation resulting. Similar to Sisyphus, our worth constantly lies one more achievement away.

“I’m a Lot”

It’s only too easy to con ourselves into believing if we accomplish a lot or push the rock up the hill a lot, then we can say “we are a lot.” The following mantra captures the illusion of being a lot and allegedly escaping the legacy of Sisyphus. “I do a lot, I make a lot, I win a lot, I acquire a lot, therefore I am a lot.” I have worked with numerous people wondering why they don’t feel like “a lot” when they devotionally followed the above script. Unfortunately, no number of achievements brings us closer to embracing our essential goodness.

Grace and Unconditional Self-Love

To liberate ourselves from the Sisyphus Syndrome, we must let go of achieving as the measure of our essential worth. It’s about working less and welcoming more of ourselves. It is also about action. Love is not so much a feeling state but rather actual behavior. We don’t ultimately fall in love with ourselves. But we can learn to treat ourselves lovingly. Here are some of the ingredients of unconditional self-love.

*Humility. I do not suggest understanding humility as a virtue, which can make it too difficult to access. Let’s view humility as a welcome and a way to get right with ourselves. Here are several elements of humility.

1. A genuine acceptance of our limits, neither denying them nor generating an unrealistic number of them.
2. Engendering a belief in grace defined as unearned and yet deserving of kindness and loving support.
3. Gratitude for our innate gifts, talents, and skills that were given to us.
4. Accessing some measure of the archetype of the fool allows us to take ourselves less seriously and laugh kindly at ourselves.

Please don’t take these four steps too seriously. They are meant to be a lifelong apprenticeship. Choose to learn about one step and then go on to another.

*Self-kindness. The second step supporting unconditional self-love is a commitment to being kind to ourselves. We can do this by interrupting demeaning thoughts about ourselves and meeting our needs with a gentle spirit.

*Self-forgiveness. Our self-worth depends on our willingness to forgive ourselves, restoring a connection to our essential goodness. Impediments to forgiving ourselves include thinking that criticizing ourselves will make us better. Sometimes, there’s a need for penance, with the belief that suffering can restore our goodness. There can also be a measure of self-righteousness whereby we are supposed to be better than an ordinary fumbling human.

*Accepting love from a trusted person. The love we receive from another is not supposed to replace our love for ourselves. It’s meant to augment the love we offer ourselves.

The goal is not to try falling in love with ourselves, but to treat ourselves lovingly. Unconditional self-love is not something to achieve. Grace means you don’t earn the right to treat yourself lovingly, and you deserve it. It will take practice to move out of the framework of achievement. It means moving into a relational paradigm where you witness yourself deepening a relationship with yourself.