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Adolescence
Parenting Adolescents and the Challenge of Being a Good Boss
Exercising authority with their teenager can be an unwelcome part of parenting.
Posted November 11, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Compared to children, an independence-minded adolescent increasingly tolerates parental bossing less.
- Come their child’s adolescence, on both sides of the relationship, parental authority can feel hard to bear.
- Enrolling the teenager in a discussion of parental concerns can create a collaboration when problem-solving.
“I don’t like your bossing me around!”
“Well, sometimes I don’t like being your boss!”
Such a frustrated interchange is less likely to occur in childhood than in adolescence. Why?
It’s not that parents boss their teenager more the older she or he grows, but, compared to children, an independence-minded adolescent increasingly tolerates parental bossing less. And this is as it should be, since one developmental goal of adolescence is achieving a functional independence. Now, for good and ill, the young person finally becomes their own boss, just as parents finally let go of their governing authority.
Bossing is unappreciated
Because the teenager sometimes finds parental bossing irritating, oppressive, invasive, and even unjust, she or he is not likely to respond with appreciation for these loyal efforts. In anger, the young person can blame their parents for “pulling rank” or “being on a power trip.” For parents, bossing is part of their thankless responsibility.
However, they can place it in perspective. They can explain: “Please know that when we refuse to give permission, we are not acting against you. We are acting against what you want for what we believe is in your best interests. We are always on your side.”
Come their child’s adolescence, on both sides of the relationship, parental authority can feel hard to bear.
Two kinds of parental authority
It’s well to keep in mind two kinds of authority that parents possess. There is directive authority that dictates and enforces the terms for what must and must not be done. At times, the teenager can object to the exercise of this. However, there is also contributive authority where they further what the young person wants, which can be valued very much. “With what my parents have to give, they help me in all kinds of ways.” So, parental bosses aren’t “all bad” in adolescent eyes, just some of the time.
In addition, teenagers are different. At one extreme can be the authority-compliant young person who seeks to please and likes to do what they are told; at the other extreme is the authority-resistant young person who fiercely follows an individual path. Both kinds of children can sometimes be found in the same family: “It’s mostly agreement from our older and constant argument from our younger.”
Why parents boss
Unpopular as it can be, acting as “boss” comes with the territory of being a parent in multiple ways. Consider five: Parents usually assume some structural, supervisory, accountable, supportive, and knowledgeable authority with their teenager until the young person leaves their care.
- Structure: They create a family system of rules and restraints that directs the learning and practicing of responsible behavior.
- Supervision: They oversee what is going on in the teenager’s life to patrol safe and wise decision-making and to follow through on requests they make.
- Accountability: They hold the teenager to account for choices made and consequences that follow so responsibility from both wise and unwise decisions can be learned.
- Support: They provide basic assistance and caring communication the young person can rely on when in emotional and physical need.
- Knowledge: They use longer life and more worldly experience to inform the young person about issues that she or he may not yet understand.
Boss decisions can be hard to make
Being a parent “boss” can mean encountering some agonizing questions:
“Should I permit or deny?”
“Should I trust of distrust?”
“Should I attend or ignore?”
“Should I hold on or let go?”
“Should I speak up or shut up?”
“Should I keep secret or tell others?”
“Should I hope it gets better or try to get help?”
In some cases, these are “turning point” moments, how the parent-boss handles the problem or opportunity can affect the course of their adolescent’s life.
This is why tough parental choices are usually worth talking about with the teenager. Enrolling her or him in a discussion of parental concerns can create a collaboration when problem-solving a complicated decision. Just because the parent has the final authority doesn’t mean they have to go it alone, doesn’t mean the teenager cannot contribute their say, and doesn’t mean the young person cannot come up with ideas worth considering.
Finally, consider this.
A question and a promise
It’s a question that’s worth parents asking themselves: “Am I the kind of boss I would like to work for?” Sometimes a little self-examination by parents can alter behaviors that get in authority’s way: “Instead of yelling and telling, I might do better by explaining and asking.”
Then there’s a promise parents can make about the exercise of their authority: “I will be firm where I have to, will be flexible where I can, will explain what I want and why I want it, and will always give a full listen to whatever you have to say, as long as you speak in a respectful way.”
