Male Caregivers Show What Real Strong Men Are Made Of

What does it mean to be a man? If you listen to the crowing of certain public figures, you might conclude that feminism had never happened and that “all” men are as stuck in the same retrograde spirit-killing patriarchal masculinity as themselves. You would certainly never know that more than 20 million men in America have evolved beyond the need to dominate women and suppress their emotions by stepping up to provide care for loved ones—including spouses, elderly parents, children with special needs, friends, and neighbors.

The fact is that millions of men in this country have risen to the challenges of caregiving. The most common reasons they give are simply that “someone has to do it” and, in their personal value systems, caring is part of what defines being a good husband, son, father, friend, and neighbor. Yet caregiving isn’t usually associated with males. Even after feminism shook up gender roles and helped to redefine the possibilities for women, the assumption persists that caregiving is a “woman’s job” and that women possess unique caregiving abilities that men do not. Male caregivers, both “informal” or “family” (unpaid) caregivers and professionals such as nurses, also report facing stigma by others who can’t process the idea of caregiving as a gender-neutral part of being human in relationship with other humans.

Besides grappling with the social expectations of traditional gender norms—men “should be” stoic and totally self-reliant, or that vulnerability equals “weakness”—male caregivers may struggle to find peers who relate to their challenges. Those who are full-time employees have to try balancing their caregiving responsibilities with workplace policies that don’t support caregiving by, for example, offering paternity leave for new fathers. Hanging over them is the pressure to be “the rock” for another in their time of need. Needless to say, these pressures can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout.

To be an effective caregiver, a man must be resilient. This means practicing healthy behaviors to cope with the stressful situations that often arise in caregiving. Male caregivers—like all caregivers—must know their limits and personal boundaries, and stand up for them as necessary. They also must learn to practice self-care and self-compassion, possibly bringing in respite relief or carving out personal time in agreed-upon timeframes.

When I was the live-in caregiver for my late mom, I regularly gave myself “me time” when I would get away from home to go kayaking, work out at the gym, or visit friends. Caregiving can be extremely stressful at times, particularly when there are medical emergencies that require alertness and a cool head. The dependence of your loved one can feel frightening, even overwhelming. The need to put aside your own fear and sadness, to stay “strong” so you don’t contribute to your loved one’s own fear and sadness, can lead to some very emotional private moments. During the scary weeks that turned out to be Mom’s last ones, I would kayak out to my favorite spot on Long Island Sound—where I had first hiked as a boy—to be alone and cry. To say they were tough times is a real understatement.

Fortunately there are things men, and anyone who is a caregiver, can do to build and support their resilience during times like those I experienced. First and foremost is to recognize that stress, frustration, sadness, and even anticipatory grief are natural emotions for caregivers. Suppressing these emotions can be harmful in the long run.

Most male caregivers report that they don’t have a regular support network and are basically doing the best they can, on their own. But there are online forums, support groups, and community organizations that can help reduce the sense of isolation that caregiving can bring. “We’re fighting what I call a ‘hero-fixes-it-alone’ culture,” says Kyle Woody, executive director of Minnesota-based Jack’s Caregiver Coalition, a 10-year-old support community for “anyone 18 and older who has cared for a loved one facing a health crisis.”

Jack’s notes that 78% of male caregivers report having no help from others—and 97% of the caregivers Jack’s has served report that the coalition has increased their confidence as caregivers. Woody says Jack’s helps support new caregivers by connecting them with others who are “further down the road” in their caregiving experience. Volunteer “coaches” and a support group-like “caregiver clutch” help them to know they aren’t alone. “At the end of the day, we’re just connecting caregivers with more experience to caregivers with less,” Woody says. “And when you do that, magic happens.”

Besides connecting with others who understand what it’s like to be a caregiver, practicing self-care is more important than ever while caring for others. Getting regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, and setting aside personal time can help caregivers recharge and maintain their own well-being. Just as an airline flight attendant instructs adults to make sure their own face mask is securely fastened before helping a child put on their mask, you have to care for yourself to be able to care for your loved one.

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It’s also important to seek professional help—from a psychotherapist, for example—when caregiving takes too big a toll on your own sense of well-being. I was fortunate to have begun seeing a therapist several months before the most intense period of my caregiving time. Therapy provided an outlet for me to express the most intense emotions that built up inside me during that very hard time—emotions I have since come to know are common for caregivers: financial worry from not being able to focus on work, intense sorrow from seeing my beloved mom suffer, and ultimately the bereavement of losing the person I loved most in this world.

My personal experience of caregiving ranks among my life’s greatest challenges. But it’s also a source of immense pride and satisfaction as I think back on the tender, precious moments and conversations I had with Mom in between her medical emergencies. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Caregiving demonstrated for me that I have been able to live out the values I long professed that were now put to a big test, the beliefs I profess to hold—such as “honor thy father and mother." Caregiving made very clear to me the qualities, the virtues, of a real man—certainly the kind of man I wish to be: including courage, dependability, duty, honor, loyalty, responsibility, protecting and standing up on behalf of my loved one.

We will need more caregivers of both sexes and all genders as our population ages in large numbers together. Caregiving isn’t easy. But it’s a part of life—and of love. Male caregivers play an important role in the well-being of our loved ones. We can offer role models of positive masculinity for men and boys during this time of so-called masculinity “crisis.” And we prove the lie that men must be toxic to be masculine. We also make it clear that American society as a whole will benefit by reframing caregiving as a gender-neutral part of being human—and natural to being a man.