Why We're So Judgmental

Judgments are knee-jerk, negative opinions of others, which are based on limited information. Being judgmental, or over-utilizing judgments, is horrible for people with chronic anxiety. On the one hand, it helps you feel superior. And, on the other, it contributes to chronically feeling unsafe because you believe people are awful. Unfortunately, perfectionism and cynicism tend to go hand in hand.

The perfectionist know-it-all believes they're the rational one. They don't perceive their defenses as defenses; to them, their perceptions are reality. So, self-oriented perfectionists, those who hold themselves up to extremely high standards, are usually also other-oriented perfectionists, treating others the same way. Anyone falling short of those standards is then criticized as being stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, and/or incompetent. Judgments keep the perfectionist safe but for reasons unbeknownst to them.

On the surface, the perfectionist believes that being judgmental is akin to being discerning and analytical. They may believe that judgments keep dangerous others away, making sure they aren't manipulated or even inadvertently harmed. (While it's true that prudence is an evolved trait, the context matters. And perfectionists rarely examine the evidence for danger, the avoidance of which only makes sense some of the time.) Perfectionists will often say things like, "Even if they don't intend to harm me, they will because they don't know what they're doing.... But I do."

This way of thinking forms the foundation of isolation and subsequent chronic loneliness. The perfectionist feels justified in thinking, "Better safe than sorry." Yet, beneath the surface lies another set of needs, kept hidden from oneself. These needs are the true foundation of judgmental thinking. We discover them by cutting through the biases. Is it true that others don't hold themselves to high standards? Are they lazy for needing time off? Do they always make bad choices? Objectively, these things are only true some of the time and they're also true for us, even if we don't admit it. When we develop empathy for others, we learn about their struggles; even the manipulative ones often believe that better alternatives don't exist, regardless of whether their decisions are justifiable.

And empathy allows us to see ourselves in others, eliciting memories of similar choices in similar moments. However, that sense of weakness can scare us; perfectionists demand perfection for a sense of security, again from themselves and others. So, we can easily resume engaging in self-protection. In treatment, we ask our patients, after they've resolved to at least take seriously the possibility of their interpretations being partially wrong, what do you suppose are the emotional payoffs of your way of thinking? Irrational beliefs have significant emotional benefits; like the more rational ones, they exist to serve us. (We may, for instance, believe in magic because it provides an existential sense of comfort.) And the cynicism strongly associated with perfectionism has many.

Perfectionists use cynicism to deflect blame. So, they may hold another fully responsible for the breakdown of their relationship. If I'm an angel, then you've mistreated me. Anger, rather than a guide pointing to a dysfunction, is always taken to mean that one was wronged. This is an example of what's known as 'emotional reasoning', which is circular: "I know what the facts are based on my emotions and my emotions always represent the facts." Yet, anger, while often at least partially justifiable, may also be a mask, which can explain its intensity, particularly when it's projected. Anger, fear, and sadness about the state of the world can deflect from a sense of one's own inadequacies.

In couples therapy, patients who relentlessly shame and belittle may come to discover how much pressure they place on themselves to "fix" their partner, with the underlying feeling of being unlovable because they can't. "If he really loved me, he'd treat me better. Why don't I deserve it?" Here, one's belief about the other's badness veils an underlying tendency to personalize and thus shame oneself. The pattern of deflecting blame hides the tendency to take too much responsibility for another's behavior, to, essentially (no pun intended), blame one's essence, or core unlovability, for their actions.

Partners will often unconsciously blame themselves for the failure of a dysfunctional relationship while simultaneously believing they did nothing wrong. Judgments, broadly speaking, help us emotionally protect ourselves. Yet, as noted above, they also sustain our fears. To challenge our judgmental mindset, we have to acknowledge our fear of being perceived as weak, which stems, in part, from hierarchal thinking.

When we're always competing, we need constant reminders of why we're better. In addition to supposedly protecting us from the world, judgments help us see the parts of ourselves that we don't like in others instead. They let us know that we're progressing well. And they act as mood regulators, picking us back up when we're down. Yet, we pay a significant price for them. The person reading this is challenged to find another way to feel proud and good about themselves. If they do, they'll become better able to enjoy the company of others, without believing socializing is a complete waste of time; reduce their paranoia about others' motives; and, to me this is the biggest benefit, will likely come to believe that others actually like and care for them, since they're not so awful anymore.

Perfectionism Essential Reads

Should You Be the Perfect Patient?

How Perfectionism Is Created In Relationships

Carl Jung noted, "Thinking is difficult; that's why most people judge." Moreover, thinking can be scary. Yet, judgments, when they become one's main coping mechanism, make our worlds even scarier. Fundamentally, we have to choose: Do we continue to be terrified cynics or do we begin to acknowledge our flaws? The latter is much more meaningful.