Setting Boundaries With Your Gaslighting Parents

I recently wrote a Psychology Today post entitled "Stopping The Pain From Your Gaslighting Parents." That post was about using empathy and a powerful visualization (Picture an "L" on their forehead for "limited") as tools to switch yourself from being an offended adult child to you feeling empowered. This current post takes it one step further by providing strategies for setting boundaries with your gaslighting parents.

What Gaslighting Parents Sound Like

In my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I discuss how gaslighting parents make negative comments, minimize their children's feelings, and invalidate what their children think and feel. These negative actions create a fertile breeding ground for anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors, and personality disorders.

Below are soundbites of what my clients share with me that represent their gaslighting parents in action:

• That never even happened. What are you talking about?
• Don't you think you're exaggerating things about feeling abandoned by me?
• You just can't accept that I'm not this perfect parent. How about you stop and think of all I have done for you?

• You have always been quite self-absorbed.
• I can tell you that even your siblings struggle to make sense of how oblivious you are to the needs of others.
• I tried everything to make your life easier, but you wouldn't let me help you.

The above examples may not be what you specifically hear. Keep in mind, though, that gaslighting follows more of a negative, insensitive mindset versus a specific script. Let's now look more closely at the impact of parental gaslighting.

Sarah and Dan: Two Examples of Pain From Parental Gaslighting

When Sarah, age thirty-nine, sat down with me for our counseling session, she looked very drained and upset. She said, "Dr. Jeff, for the past week, I've been struggling to try to deal with anxiety and panic attacks that began when I had contact with my mother last weekend. She does this gaslighting stuff and it seems no matter how much I try to ignore it, it still hurts so much,"

Dan, age forty-five, had a similar story to Sarah's. He shared, "My mom is the queen of gaslighting and antagonizing, as well as not respecting boundaries or other people's belongings. She is a narcissist. Just that smartass look on her face, ugh! She'd watch me be upset growing up while telling me I was being too sensitive."

As Sarah and Dan illustrate, gaslighting parents are those who undermine their child’s sense of reality and emotional stability. Toxic, gaslighting parents often deny or dispute their children's experiences.

Let's now take a look at how you can set boundaries to stop the madness of your gaslighting parents.

Setting Boundaries With Your Gaslighting Parents

Setting boundaries with your parents can be a challenging but important step in attempting to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship with them. Here are some tips that may help set boundaries with your parents:

1. Communicate your boundaries clearly: It's important to be clear and direct when communicating your boundaries to your parents. Make sure that your boundaries are expressed in a respectful and non-confrontational way. For example, Sarah mentioned above, decided for the next holiday season that her visiting mother would sleep at an area motel instead of her home.
2. Know your limits: It's important to be aware of what you are comfortable with in your relationship with your parents. This will help you support boundaries that are realistic and that you can stick to. Dan, for example, told both his parents that he would no longer discuss politics with them because the topic became a source of their hurtful comments.
3. Don't be afraid to say no: It's okay to say no to your parents if you feel that their requests or expectations are unreasonable or if they are not respecting your boundaries.
4. Seek support: If you are having difficulty setting boundaries with your parents, consider seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend, or family member.
5. Practice self-care: Make sure to take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs and well-being. This can help you feel more confident and assertive in setting boundaries with your parents.
6. Take a break from your relationship with your parents: I recommend, wherever possible for people to work through conflicts. So, separating for some time from your parents is not a decision to be taken lightly. Your reading of this post suggests that you are not taking it lightly. Your parents may claim that they "did the best they could." Their claim doesn't mean that they did do their best. And, even if they did, doing their best doesn't mean that you wear a "kick me" sign while being emotionally wounded by them. You know how your relationship with your parents impacts your life, and if you need to take some time to stop contact with them, then that may be best for your emotional health.